A few days ago, I watched the movie Courageous with my family.
From here, I'll say beware - for spoilers will tread here. If you haven't seen the movie and want to, I wouldn't recommend reading any further. If you've already seen the movie or simply don't care, then onward we go!
As I sat, watching the events of a child's death unfold on the screen, we got to the funeral scene. The camera panned across the small casket. It hit me in that moment that caskets shouldn't come that small.
Some small things are cute. Small pastries, small stuffed animals, small animals, small kitchen playsets, small gloves, small hats, small computers. The list could go on and on and on. Those things are adorable. You wind up gawking at them saying, "Oh my gosh! It's so cute! I want one!"
Caskets, hospital beds, breathing apparatuses, canes, casts...these things should never have to be small enough to facilitate a child.
Y'know, I'm not a huge fan of kids. My sisters can attest to that. Originally I had hoped that being around my nephew and my niece for a few months would have helped me gain a new appreciation for kids. All it did for me was make me have that much greater of an aversion to them.
That doesn't mean that seeing kids suffer doesn't rip me in two.
Kids are supposed to run amuck, playing games and making up stories. They're supposed to be creating and building, always smiling and never without hope and joy. Yet in this broken world, we sometimes have to witness the sheer brokenness of humanity by seeing it play out in a child's life. It makes me want to cry sometimes when I see a kid that should have no ambitions, fighting for their life. How heart-breaking.
Crazy as it seems though, these kids seem to be so optimistic. You constantly hear about these brave little children struggling against the hardest things imaginable. Thank God for that great representation of hope. I can't heal them, but I can surely pray for them, and for those that watch over them.
Personally, I look forward to when all that pain is gone.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Mirror Mirror" by Jeff Williams feat. Casey Lee Williams
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Friday, November 2, 2012
Outside the Comfort Zone
So today I was checking my emails (because I have like, four), and discovered I've been accepted to register for a writer's conference in New York City. It's a pretty hardcore one. It's basically four days of me sitting in front of editors and pitching my book.
When I applied for the registration (that's how selective this is: I had to apply to be allowed to register), I didn't expect to make the cut. For one reason or another, I thought I wouldn't be good enough. Either my age or inexperience or whatever was going to limit me in the mind of whomever was choosing the participants this year.
I'm freaked out of my mind! Because I didn't expect to make the cut, I didn't prepare at all. I have about a month, but still. This is the kind of nervousness that chews at my insides and makes me quiver when no one's looking. This isn't where you go to get praise or to get a pat on the back. This sort of conference is where you go and have editors of high end houses sit down and say, "Why should I back your book?"
Now I'm busy mapping out my money and seeing if I can spare $600 for the four day excursion. It's in mid December too, so getting the time off of work will be...tricky. I'll probably have to sacrifice a lot to get the time off, especially since I need a huge chunk of Christmas off 'cause my family's going to Florida.
I have a lot of praying to do to determine if this is the right step to take. I have a few days to figure this out and determine if I can swing the conference. A part of me really wants to do this. The scared child part of me wants to run away screaming.
But I guess this is how it is. I need to have confidence in my book and in my characters. Being published through an actual house (HOLY WOW), would be amazing. I mean...who knows what might happen.
Sometimes, I feel like my life is the one scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Indy needs to step into the unknown (literally), before he can find the Holy Grail. This is one of those times where I have no clue if there's a rock ledge to stand on, but I guess I'll step out anyway.
The beauty is, even if I fall, God will catch me. That's always a comfort. Kinda makes me wonder why I shouldn't just take the step. Can't lose anything, right?
Happy adventuring everyone!
Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Ascencia" by Jo Blankenburg
P.S. - You would think I had been searching for the Holy Grail this afternoon. All I wanted was my Chocolate Mocha coffee made by Gevalia. And every store I went to that had power carried every other variety they made, but not mine! I had to settle on something that cost like, four dollars more than I was expecting to spend. This Godiva Chocolate Truffle had better be worth it.
When I applied for the registration (that's how selective this is: I had to apply to be allowed to register), I didn't expect to make the cut. For one reason or another, I thought I wouldn't be good enough. Either my age or inexperience or whatever was going to limit me in the mind of whomever was choosing the participants this year.
I'm freaked out of my mind! Because I didn't expect to make the cut, I didn't prepare at all. I have about a month, but still. This is the kind of nervousness that chews at my insides and makes me quiver when no one's looking. This isn't where you go to get praise or to get a pat on the back. This sort of conference is where you go and have editors of high end houses sit down and say, "Why should I back your book?"
Now I'm busy mapping out my money and seeing if I can spare $600 for the four day excursion. It's in mid December too, so getting the time off of work will be...tricky. I'll probably have to sacrifice a lot to get the time off, especially since I need a huge chunk of Christmas off 'cause my family's going to Florida.
I have a lot of praying to do to determine if this is the right step to take. I have a few days to figure this out and determine if I can swing the conference. A part of me really wants to do this. The scared child part of me wants to run away screaming.
But I guess this is how it is. I need to have confidence in my book and in my characters. Being published through an actual house (HOLY WOW), would be amazing. I mean...who knows what might happen.
Sometimes, I feel like my life is the one scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Indy needs to step into the unknown (literally), before he can find the Holy Grail. This is one of those times where I have no clue if there's a rock ledge to stand on, but I guess I'll step out anyway.
The beauty is, even if I fall, God will catch me. That's always a comfort. Kinda makes me wonder why I shouldn't just take the step. Can't lose anything, right?
Happy adventuring everyone!
Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Ascencia" by Jo Blankenburg
P.S. - You would think I had been searching for the Holy Grail this afternoon. All I wanted was my Chocolate Mocha coffee made by Gevalia. And every store I went to that had power carried every other variety they made, but not mine! I had to settle on something that cost like, four dollars more than I was expecting to spend. This Godiva Chocolate Truffle had better be worth it.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The End of the World!
Or so many in the northeast seem to think.
I live in eastern Pennsylvania (in case you don't know), so that means that Hurricane Sandy is moving right on through where I call home. Every state office is closed, the government has declared a state of emergency, and even the mall closed. I, however, don't know if I'm working tomorrow yet or not. Even though I seriously doubt I'm gonna have someone coming in "needing" to get some copies made in the middle of a hurricane.
Although, if it comes down to me braving the elements and one of my coworkers, I'm gonna volunteer. I was saying to my parents as we watched the weather report, "I know this might sound reckless and stupid, but I'd much rather that I risk my life just to watch the store than one of my coworkers."
Yeah, there will probably be power outages. Yeah, there's gonna be flooding and I'm sure a good bit of devastation My brother's already on call for catastrophe claims work and my dad's getting himself ready for a boatload of claims to hit his computer sometime next week when this all blows over. Yes, I'm sure there will be casualties and there will be problems that arise in many, many people's lives.
However, I don't view this as the end of the world. Even if I'm without power and the water shuts off and we have to move by candlelight and my cell phone dies, it won't be the world caving in on itself. Yes, it'll be uncomfortable and might even drive me slightly bonkers. But I will still be converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Honestly, I just hope people use their brains. Don't go driving around to run errands. Stay inside, stay safe. Use your head and keep yourself informed. Prepare, but don't freak out. When an evacuation is ordered, leave. Keep yourself alive. Things can be replaced - people can't.
And that's why tonight I said to my parents, "I know where I'm going when I die. And I know where many of my coworkers are going if they were to die tomorrow. So I'd much rather be the one that bites the bullet if I know it'll buy them a few more years to see the light and hear the News."
Hey, if the power goes out, it gives everyone an excuse to finally work on that story they've always wanted to write. Or better yet, plan it out so they can join me in NaNoWriMo :)
Stay safe everyone. And happy adventuring.
Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen
I live in eastern Pennsylvania (in case you don't know), so that means that Hurricane Sandy is moving right on through where I call home. Every state office is closed, the government has declared a state of emergency, and even the mall closed. I, however, don't know if I'm working tomorrow yet or not. Even though I seriously doubt I'm gonna have someone coming in "needing" to get some copies made in the middle of a hurricane.
Although, if it comes down to me braving the elements and one of my coworkers, I'm gonna volunteer. I was saying to my parents as we watched the weather report, "I know this might sound reckless and stupid, but I'd much rather that I risk my life just to watch the store than one of my coworkers."
Yeah, there will probably be power outages. Yeah, there's gonna be flooding and I'm sure a good bit of devastation My brother's already on call for catastrophe claims work and my dad's getting himself ready for a boatload of claims to hit his computer sometime next week when this all blows over. Yes, I'm sure there will be casualties and there will be problems that arise in many, many people's lives.
However, I don't view this as the end of the world. Even if I'm without power and the water shuts off and we have to move by candlelight and my cell phone dies, it won't be the world caving in on itself. Yes, it'll be uncomfortable and might even drive me slightly bonkers. But I will still be converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Honestly, I just hope people use their brains. Don't go driving around to run errands. Stay inside, stay safe. Use your head and keep yourself informed. Prepare, but don't freak out. When an evacuation is ordered, leave. Keep yourself alive. Things can be replaced - people can't.
And that's why tonight I said to my parents, "I know where I'm going when I die. And I know where many of my coworkers are going if they were to die tomorrow. So I'd much rather be the one that bites the bullet if I know it'll buy them a few more years to see the light and hear the News."
Hey, if the power goes out, it gives everyone an excuse to finally work on that story they've always wanted to write. Or better yet, plan it out so they can join me in NaNoWriMo :)
Stay safe everyone. And happy adventuring.
Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen
Friday, July 27, 2012
Sometimes I Say Things I Don't Think Come From Me
It's a long title, but fitting.
I've been having a lot of conversations like the one I'm currently having with a friend. We're both struggling with the uncertainties of life and growing up. Finding our paths in life and where we're meant to be. The answers elude us and we're left with shrugs and blank stares at the sky as we ask, "Okay, now what?"
As I was talking with her, I realized there wasn't anything I could really say to bring her comfort. So I told her the only word I knew that might help, which was to have faith.
To me, faith always requires some level of blindness. Some level of complete trust in something unseen.
In the midst of talking with her about this, I said, "It's when we're blind that we begin to see."
At first I thought, "That's stupid. Why would you even say that?" Then I thought about it. To me, it resounded around my head for a few seconds and then settled into my heart. It was true. It was something that I didn't really believe when I wrote it, but when I read it again, I realized it was something I needed to hear.
Become blind so then you can see.
Currently Writing: Arthur outline
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Finale" from the DragonHeart Score
I've been having a lot of conversations like the one I'm currently having with a friend. We're both struggling with the uncertainties of life and growing up. Finding our paths in life and where we're meant to be. The answers elude us and we're left with shrugs and blank stares at the sky as we ask, "Okay, now what?"
As I was talking with her, I realized there wasn't anything I could really say to bring her comfort. So I told her the only word I knew that might help, which was to have faith.
To me, faith always requires some level of blindness. Some level of complete trust in something unseen.
In the midst of talking with her about this, I said, "It's when we're blind that we begin to see."
At first I thought, "That's stupid. Why would you even say that?" Then I thought about it. To me, it resounded around my head for a few seconds and then settled into my heart. It was true. It was something that I didn't really believe when I wrote it, but when I read it again, I realized it was something I needed to hear.
Become blind so then you can see.
Currently Writing: Arthur outline
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Finale" from the DragonHeart Score
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sinking
I think everyone reaches points like this throughout their lives.
I need more hours in the day. I need to not require sleep. I need to stop worrying. I need to relinquish control. I need to stop giving in to fear. I need to try harder. I need to try less. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. Or am I doing too much?
This crazy juxtaposition of emotions is what I'm falling into at the moment.
Not a single book has been sold in almost two weeks. That shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. It shouldn't bother me because I'm not in this for the money. If I was looking for money, I would have tried harder in school, networked better, and done about a million things differently. I'm in the publishing industry because I want to tell a story and I want the world to know that story. Money - eh, who cares. In the long run, it means little. I only want what I need to get by. I only want to have enough to eat, have a roof over my head that's preferably my own, and a dog. That's it.
I need to find an editor. I've been talking about this for nearly a year now. The problem I face is simple: I don't have enough time right now. Between wanting to read my Bible (and a book Niki and I picked up called "The Story"), working, trying to help around the house, seeing friends before they move to Timbuktu (figuratively), staying on top of new worship songs and VBS next week...
I need to not need sleep.
I haven't touched my Writer's Market Guide in almost a week, and it's grating against me. I feel like I'm not taking steps in the right direction.
Y'know, initially I was going to have my book up for sale on CreateSpace for a limited time. I was only going to keep it up for a month, let those that really wanted it buy it, and then take it down. It would save me time in worrying about it and I'd have what I wanted - a physical copy of my book. Then I thought that was stupid. Then everyone was so excited about it. Nearly everyone I talked to was saying how they wanted to get a copy.
*Shrug* Now what? Is this God blatantly putting up a block, telling me it's not yet time? Is this Him saying to stop - this isn't the avenue? Why can't I get neon lights? I never notice the subtle things. Ever. I need the foghorn.
Maybe that's my problem.
Currently Writing and/or Editing: Absolutely nothing. And I think I might go mad.
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "When the Stars Burn Down (Blessing And Honor)" by Phillips, Craig and Dean
I need more hours in the day. I need to not require sleep. I need to stop worrying. I need to relinquish control. I need to stop giving in to fear. I need to try harder. I need to try less. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. Or am I doing too much?
This crazy juxtaposition of emotions is what I'm falling into at the moment.
Not a single book has been sold in almost two weeks. That shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. It shouldn't bother me because I'm not in this for the money. If I was looking for money, I would have tried harder in school, networked better, and done about a million things differently. I'm in the publishing industry because I want to tell a story and I want the world to know that story. Money - eh, who cares. In the long run, it means little. I only want what I need to get by. I only want to have enough to eat, have a roof over my head that's preferably my own, and a dog. That's it.
I need to find an editor. I've been talking about this for nearly a year now. The problem I face is simple: I don't have enough time right now. Between wanting to read my Bible (and a book Niki and I picked up called "The Story"), working, trying to help around the house, seeing friends before they move to Timbuktu (figuratively), staying on top of new worship songs and VBS next week...
I need to not need sleep.
I haven't touched my Writer's Market Guide in almost a week, and it's grating against me. I feel like I'm not taking steps in the right direction.
Y'know, initially I was going to have my book up for sale on CreateSpace for a limited time. I was only going to keep it up for a month, let those that really wanted it buy it, and then take it down. It would save me time in worrying about it and I'd have what I wanted - a physical copy of my book. Then I thought that was stupid. Then everyone was so excited about it. Nearly everyone I talked to was saying how they wanted to get a copy.
*Shrug* Now what? Is this God blatantly putting up a block, telling me it's not yet time? Is this Him saying to stop - this isn't the avenue? Why can't I get neon lights? I never notice the subtle things. Ever. I need the foghorn.
Maybe that's my problem.
Currently Writing and/or Editing: Absolutely nothing. And I think I might go mad.
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "When the Stars Burn Down (Blessing And Honor)" by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Seasons
Right now I'm not at a job I necessarily am enthused about. Working in retail for the rest of my life doesn't sound like my ideal position, but I'm always trying to remind myself that I'm where I need to be for the moment. Every day I make as valid an attempt I can at asking God to show me why I'm where I am. To help me endure the rough days and to praise Him for the good ones.
Yesterday, two good things happened.
The first of which was, three of my customers asked me about my necklace. I have a crown of thorns necklace that I've had since the year the Passion of the Christ came out. When I was younger (and even now), I'd had cross necklaces, but they always felt empty to me. The world had lost the understanding, the weight behind what the cross meant. How it could be beautiful and awful at the same time. I liked them enough, but I wanted something different. Something people would ask about.
I've taken to wearing the necklace every day at work. Just something small (like my promise ring), that can set me apart and maybe, just maybe, help witness to others. I'm sure I fail on a regular basis. But I still try.
Then yesterday, those three customers asked what it was. It opened the doorway for short conversations with each of them. One was definitely a believer, while one was obviously not. The last person that asked me was a woman who was faxing the death certificate of her best friend and sister-in-law.
I can only hope that somehow my brief talks with each of them helped them in some way.
The other good thing that happened was: I got a job nibble. One of my customers (not only is the mom to a once-fellow associate), has to clients that are editors for magazines. One of them is interested in me. So last night I emailed off my resume to her. I'm excited to see what happens with it. Because working retail, while it's great to have a job right now, is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. There's far too much I want to accomplish outside of these cramped walls and massive windows.
So wish me luck. And prayer. Prayer is always a good thing in times like these.
Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen
Yesterday, two good things happened.
The first of which was, three of my customers asked me about my necklace. I have a crown of thorns necklace that I've had since the year the Passion of the Christ came out. When I was younger (and even now), I'd had cross necklaces, but they always felt empty to me. The world had lost the understanding, the weight behind what the cross meant. How it could be beautiful and awful at the same time. I liked them enough, but I wanted something different. Something people would ask about.
I've taken to wearing the necklace every day at work. Just something small (like my promise ring), that can set me apart and maybe, just maybe, help witness to others. I'm sure I fail on a regular basis. But I still try.
Then yesterday, those three customers asked what it was. It opened the doorway for short conversations with each of them. One was definitely a believer, while one was obviously not. The last person that asked me was a woman who was faxing the death certificate of her best friend and sister-in-law.
I can only hope that somehow my brief talks with each of them helped them in some way.
The other good thing that happened was: I got a job nibble. One of my customers (not only is the mom to a once-fellow associate), has to clients that are editors for magazines. One of them is interested in me. So last night I emailed off my resume to her. I'm excited to see what happens with it. Because working retail, while it's great to have a job right now, is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. There's far too much I want to accomplish outside of these cramped walls and massive windows.
So wish me luck. And prayer. Prayer is always a good thing in times like these.
Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Apologies
I've been taking my time in reading through Genesis via physical copy and have found many a mistake. So for those that have bought the book, I wish to extend my deepest of apologies. Not only have I probably put my worst foot forward, but I've wasted your time and well-earned money. You deserve better, as do my characters.
If you truly feel slighted, let me know. I will gladly purchase a new one for you and mail it to you. No one should be forced to keep something they don't like/can't use. And to be honest, I hope that my books keep you coming back to revisit the story. I know that they constantly beckon to me, but I've also written a story I knew I wanted to read.
News unrelated to my sorry excuse for a first publication:
Arthurian lore is eating at my brain. Reading The Once and Future King doesn't help matters. However, it still calls to my attention at nearly all hours. I can't wait till August so I can let my fingers fly across my keyboard in story-telling again. Exploring this story gets me excited. Many questions will be answered for me and even more will be posed, of this I'm sure.
With every road I travel down regarding my world, I find stories, characters and histories I find captivating. It's why I think I'm always searching down those roads. There's always more story to tell, if I really wanted there to be. Every world, I think, has the potential to grow into something harking of reality. It draws us in and can, if the author allows it, to enthrall and devour a reader's attention.
And that is my sincerest hope for you when you read my books. If I have not done this, well, then I have obviously forgotten something. Or perhaps something was lost. Regardless, it won't be recognized by a larger audience until I get a story that doesn't just grab me. Because boy, does it ever snatch my attention away. I was five minutes late from my lunch today at work because I was so caught up in a story I wrote.
As absurd as this is, I was giggling at my own writing - not because it was bad. But because I actually found it funny.
Lord willing, all will be as I strive for.
Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets
If you truly feel slighted, let me know. I will gladly purchase a new one for you and mail it to you. No one should be forced to keep something they don't like/can't use. And to be honest, I hope that my books keep you coming back to revisit the story. I know that they constantly beckon to me, but I've also written a story I knew I wanted to read.
News unrelated to my sorry excuse for a first publication:
Arthurian lore is eating at my brain. Reading The Once and Future King doesn't help matters. However, it still calls to my attention at nearly all hours. I can't wait till August so I can let my fingers fly across my keyboard in story-telling again. Exploring this story gets me excited. Many questions will be answered for me and even more will be posed, of this I'm sure.
With every road I travel down regarding my world, I find stories, characters and histories I find captivating. It's why I think I'm always searching down those roads. There's always more story to tell, if I really wanted there to be. Every world, I think, has the potential to grow into something harking of reality. It draws us in and can, if the author allows it, to enthrall and devour a reader's attention.
And that is my sincerest hope for you when you read my books. If I have not done this, well, then I have obviously forgotten something. Or perhaps something was lost. Regardless, it won't be recognized by a larger audience until I get a story that doesn't just grab me. Because boy, does it ever snatch my attention away. I was five minutes late from my lunch today at work because I was so caught up in a story I wrote.
As absurd as this is, I was giggling at my own writing - not because it was bad. But because I actually found it funny.
Lord willing, all will be as I strive for.
Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Waiting...
The other day I wished an unofficial cousin a happy birthday. She wound up replying that she was excited about my book. I then replied that I was excited to see where it was God was going to take it. Then I sat back and thought about things.
I've been waiting my whole life to see where God will take this story.
That might be a gross exaggeration.
Regardless, I've been waiting a long time to see where it is God will take the story I've written. At first, when I hit submit on CreateSpace's website and nearly was pinching my eyes shut in terror, I was more scared than anything. But as the days have passed and as I've grown accustomed to my coworkers and friends asking how things are going and many people telling me how proud they are of me, I'm not so scared anymore. It's hovering somewhere out there, but I choose not to acknowledge it.
Now, I'm simply excited. I have no clue where this is headed. I don't know to what end this all will bring me. Only that I've done it. Only that I have faith that this will somehow be a doorway for my future. And if it turns out that this is actually a brick wall, well, then we'll start over. Try something different.
Life is a grand adventure. If we allow it to be.
I'm currently bombarding my room with noise and book-related stuff (poems my friend wrote, artwork, Nanowrimo awards, etc.). Every now and then, I really like when I'm the only person in the house. Later tonight I'm gonna try my hand at drawing concept art again. I'm on a kick with that.
Eventually I need to get back to reading The Once and Future King. August will eventually arrive and as I've mentioned before, I don't feel like just glossing over my next book.
Happy writing everyone!
Currently Editing: Genesis (via physical copy! It'll be a fun copy when I'm done with it.)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "God's Not Dead (Like a Lion)" by Newsboys
P.S. - There's now a Kindle edition of book 1! Link is on the right for those who want to read digitally.
I've been waiting my whole life to see where God will take this story.
That might be a gross exaggeration.
Regardless, I've been waiting a long time to see where it is God will take the story I've written. At first, when I hit submit on CreateSpace's website and nearly was pinching my eyes shut in terror, I was more scared than anything. But as the days have passed and as I've grown accustomed to my coworkers and friends asking how things are going and many people telling me how proud they are of me, I'm not so scared anymore. It's hovering somewhere out there, but I choose not to acknowledge it.
Now, I'm simply excited. I have no clue where this is headed. I don't know to what end this all will bring me. Only that I've done it. Only that I have faith that this will somehow be a doorway for my future. And if it turns out that this is actually a brick wall, well, then we'll start over. Try something different.
Life is a grand adventure. If we allow it to be.
I'm currently bombarding my room with noise and book-related stuff (poems my friend wrote, artwork, Nanowrimo awards, etc.). Every now and then, I really like when I'm the only person in the house. Later tonight I'm gonna try my hand at drawing concept art again. I'm on a kick with that.
Eventually I need to get back to reading The Once and Future King. August will eventually arrive and as I've mentioned before, I don't feel like just glossing over my next book.
Happy writing everyone!
Currently Editing: Genesis (via physical copy! It'll be a fun copy when I'm done with it.)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "God's Not Dead (Like a Lion)" by Newsboys
P.S. - There's now a Kindle edition of book 1! Link is on the right for those who want to read digitally.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Foolish Fool
Y'know what I don't do well? Not sin.
Seriously. I am so horrible at keeping myself from sinning. Okay, I guess not horrible. But I am pretty dang screwed up. I can't stop myself sometimes. I know it's wrong and I'll even be thinking as I'm sinning, "This is wrong", but I'm stupid and I don't stop. What does that say about me? I know this kills my heavenly Father to watch me do this. I know I'm incredibly ashamed of it afterward. I'm ashamed of it as I'm doing it.
It's as simple as a lie. I know I'm lying. I know I'm not being honest and I hate myself for doing it. And yet I still do! How absolutely...absurd.
What kind of creature looks at wrong things, says, "That's bad," knows that it just makes us feel awful afterward, and still, despite that knowledge, goes for it? How masochistic are we as humans that we don't know how to just say no?
Awful thoughts enter our minds as we're driving down the road and the person in front of us is driving ten miles under the speed limit. Anger floods our bones at the most inane of situations. Violence screams in our marrow. We tear one another down. We ridicule and defame. As though that'll somehow make us feel better.
We lie. We cheat. We steal. At the end of it all, we know full well it's wrong. We know it's not going to help anything. In fact, we'll regret it later. Yet we still do it. Curse our human nature.
The craziest thing is though that God is still willing to take us.
Why would he want to call me His child? What have I possibly done to deserve being called His daughter? Nothing. But He still does.
What great, unfathomable love.
Seriously. I am so horrible at keeping myself from sinning. Okay, I guess not horrible. But I am pretty dang screwed up. I can't stop myself sometimes. I know it's wrong and I'll even be thinking as I'm sinning, "This is wrong", but I'm stupid and I don't stop. What does that say about me? I know this kills my heavenly Father to watch me do this. I know I'm incredibly ashamed of it afterward. I'm ashamed of it as I'm doing it.
It's as simple as a lie. I know I'm lying. I know I'm not being honest and I hate myself for doing it. And yet I still do! How absolutely...absurd.
What kind of creature looks at wrong things, says, "That's bad," knows that it just makes us feel awful afterward, and still, despite that knowledge, goes for it? How masochistic are we as humans that we don't know how to just say no?
Awful thoughts enter our minds as we're driving down the road and the person in front of us is driving ten miles under the speed limit. Anger floods our bones at the most inane of situations. Violence screams in our marrow. We tear one another down. We ridicule and defame. As though that'll somehow make us feel better.
We lie. We cheat. We steal. At the end of it all, we know full well it's wrong. We know it's not going to help anything. In fact, we'll regret it later. Yet we still do it. Curse our human nature.
The craziest thing is though that God is still willing to take us.
Why would he want to call me His child? What have I possibly done to deserve being called His daughter? Nothing. But He still does.
What great, unfathomable love.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Graduation
"As we go on, we remember, all the things we, did together..."
I really don't like that song. In fact, I don't know anyone who likes that song. But my friend Amy kept singing it as graduation approached last year and now, I find it popping into my head from time to time.
While visiting Corning this weekend with my parents, I attempted to explain to them how I feel about graduation. I'm not necessarily worried about the future because, well, as perfectly cliche as it sounds, God's got it all figured out. He'll land me where I need to be, so long as I keep searching for where that landing site is. So I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about money or having a job or even whether or not my books get published. That'll all come in their due times.
The thing that bums me out about graduation is that I'll be back home, in Sellersville, away from everyone I've gotten the opportunity to meet and know in my three years at Houghton. I'll be six hours away from a majority of my friends, while a few of them will require plane rides to even appear that short. I like to think that in Heaven, there aren't long trips to see friends, that we're always awarded the opportunity to see one another. At least, that's what I would like.
My friend Kara stopped in for a bit tonight, dropping off my roommate Janelle, before she turned around and drove back to Buffalo. In the process of hanging out with us for an hour, she reminded me why I enjoyed having her as a friend so very much, and why I'll miss seeing her even on a semi-monthly basis. She was excited about my fourth book and clutched it to herself when I handed her the draft. She then began to exclaim about how much she wanted her day off to come so she could read it.
When I'm down or feel like the worst writer ever, she's there to remind me that I have talent (however minimal it may be in my own eyes). She's one of the few people I feel really believes in me and encourages me along the way, and I'm incredibly blessed to have her as a friend.
Yesterday I was texting my friend Dana for the better part of an hour, and I was telling her that I'm worried about disappointing my heavenly father. Even though I really want to pursue publishing soon, I'm terrified about taking that step, solely because somewhere in my brain I ask, "Is this really what God wants me to be doing? What if I'm wrong?". Dana then texted me, "That fear can either help you stay on His path or keep you from fulfilling His true dreams for you. Something that I like to remember is that God is the one who put my truest dreams in my heart to begin with :)"
See? I have friends that push me forward even when my stupid feet get cemented to the ground.
And after May 12...they'll be at minimum, six hours away. Six hours. With gas being over four dollars a gallon, it'll cost me over fifty dollars to fill up my tank. Fifty bucks in one shot. Boom, gone. I'm nearly broke, which means I'm mooching off the love and grace of my parents until I find a job or help my dad with work to earn money.
Growing up is a rotten thing sometimes. I just keep hoping that things will go the way they're supposed to that soon I'll end up where God needs me to be. Wherever that is. So long as I'm doing what He wants, surprisingly enough, I don't care where I am or what I'm doing.
Three years ago I would have punched myself in the face for that comment. Or it would have been sarcastic. Today, I believe it with all my heart.
Currently Editing: Alaster
Currently Writing: Revelation
Currently Reading: Eldest by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: The DragonHeart Soundtrack (really just the main theme)
I really don't like that song. In fact, I don't know anyone who likes that song. But my friend Amy kept singing it as graduation approached last year and now, I find it popping into my head from time to time.
While visiting Corning this weekend with my parents, I attempted to explain to them how I feel about graduation. I'm not necessarily worried about the future because, well, as perfectly cliche as it sounds, God's got it all figured out. He'll land me where I need to be, so long as I keep searching for where that landing site is. So I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about money or having a job or even whether or not my books get published. That'll all come in their due times.
The thing that bums me out about graduation is that I'll be back home, in Sellersville, away from everyone I've gotten the opportunity to meet and know in my three years at Houghton. I'll be six hours away from a majority of my friends, while a few of them will require plane rides to even appear that short. I like to think that in Heaven, there aren't long trips to see friends, that we're always awarded the opportunity to see one another. At least, that's what I would like.
My friend Kara stopped in for a bit tonight, dropping off my roommate Janelle, before she turned around and drove back to Buffalo. In the process of hanging out with us for an hour, she reminded me why I enjoyed having her as a friend so very much, and why I'll miss seeing her even on a semi-monthly basis. She was excited about my fourth book and clutched it to herself when I handed her the draft. She then began to exclaim about how much she wanted her day off to come so she could read it.
When I'm down or feel like the worst writer ever, she's there to remind me that I have talent (however minimal it may be in my own eyes). She's one of the few people I feel really believes in me and encourages me along the way, and I'm incredibly blessed to have her as a friend.
Yesterday I was texting my friend Dana for the better part of an hour, and I was telling her that I'm worried about disappointing my heavenly father. Even though I really want to pursue publishing soon, I'm terrified about taking that step, solely because somewhere in my brain I ask, "Is this really what God wants me to be doing? What if I'm wrong?". Dana then texted me, "That fear can either help you stay on His path or keep you from fulfilling His true dreams for you. Something that I like to remember is that God is the one who put my truest dreams in my heart to begin with :)"
See? I have friends that push me forward even when my stupid feet get cemented to the ground.
And after May 12...they'll be at minimum, six hours away. Six hours. With gas being over four dollars a gallon, it'll cost me over fifty dollars to fill up my tank. Fifty bucks in one shot. Boom, gone. I'm nearly broke, which means I'm mooching off the love and grace of my parents until I find a job or help my dad with work to earn money.
Growing up is a rotten thing sometimes. I just keep hoping that things will go the way they're supposed to that soon I'll end up where God needs me to be. Wherever that is. So long as I'm doing what He wants, surprisingly enough, I don't care where I am or what I'm doing.
Three years ago I would have punched myself in the face for that comment. Or it would have been sarcastic. Today, I believe it with all my heart.
Currently Editing: Alaster
Currently Writing: Revelation
Currently Reading: Eldest by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: The DragonHeart Soundtrack (really just the main theme)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Not Very Good at Math
So I finished my fourth book yesterday morning.
In the incredibly early morning hours, I chronicled the stories of my characters through their fourth book. I called it quits around 4:45 am because I felt spent. If I hadn't been crying for hours on end, I probably could have plugged away through all day yesterday. But, as I knew it would be, I was bawling my eyes out pretty well from 12:30 till I wrote the last sentence of the book.
Why you might ask? It's fairly simple really: I was writing sad things. Character deaths were popping up all around every corner and, as I write an ensemble cast, I write the impact that death has on everyone still alive. It's never a fun experience. As I mentioned in the previous post, killing characters is like killing a part of yourself. If anyone found it easy, I imagine they wouldn't be a very good writer because they wouldn't be able to relay the feelings of the characters to the audience.
I like to think that, in bawling my eyes out and feeling like someone just killed my puppy, I'm relating to my characters. Therefore by that, I am then relating the audience to the characters. Ultimately it will be determined when my friends and family members read the book. According to my friends, they've been impacted pretty hard by the previous character deaths, so I can only imagine how this one is going to play out.
Today, on the way to a hair appointment, I was telling my mom that I couldn't really fathom what was going on. Let me lay this out for those of you just joining in: Less than one year ago, one of my greatest friends texted me. About a week after she ranted about how much she (a non-fantasy reader), loved my first book, she sent me a poem based upon the first book.
To inspire someone is, I think, the ultimate goal of every author. With that knowledge that my friend felt led to write a poem about my book, I suddenly was fueled to write the second book. In under two months, I finished book 2 and rolled right on into the semester with a fire to write book 3. By the new year, I had finished book 3. From my brother's comments, I rewrote my first book, finishing by early February, all the while writing a novella for my senior seminar class.
And now, only a little over a month after finishing my novella, I finished book 4.
With only one book left to go in the overall story arch (because there's potential for 7 spin off novellas, 2 prequels and a plethora of stand-alone books based on the world), I have to wonder how this has happened. If you had told me a year ago that I was going to write three books, rewrite my first book and write a novella, all in less than a year, I would have punched you and cried that you were mean.
And yet, somehow, here I sit. Four books. Four books and one novella. How...? How did we get here? When did the tomorrow turn into the today? What a crazy phenomenon - the passing of time and the progression of a dream.
With accomplishment and approval at my back, I want to stride forward into the fifth (FIFTH! And it's the final one! Holy wow!), and complete the series. I want to get what's in my head out on paper. I want to see all five books stacked in a pile of paper and words and thoughts and story. Already knowing what the first three manuscripts looked like, a smile plays on my face. This crazy scenario I find myself in is surreal. It doesn't feel possible, and yet somehow, it is.
I like to think that God is blessing me with this. I haven't a clue where He's taking me, but I'm excited. A little nervous from time to time, but mostly, I'm excited. The writing life is an epic adventure of happiness if we allow it to be.
One more. Just go one more.
Smile people. Because the sunrise can be painted in your own world. Don't mind me as I go off and paint mine :)
Currently Writing (add-ons): Alaster
Currently Reading: Eldest by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "A Thousand Miles" the Boyce Avenue Cover
In the incredibly early morning hours, I chronicled the stories of my characters through their fourth book. I called it quits around 4:45 am because I felt spent. If I hadn't been crying for hours on end, I probably could have plugged away through all day yesterday. But, as I knew it would be, I was bawling my eyes out pretty well from 12:30 till I wrote the last sentence of the book.
Why you might ask? It's fairly simple really: I was writing sad things. Character deaths were popping up all around every corner and, as I write an ensemble cast, I write the impact that death has on everyone still alive. It's never a fun experience. As I mentioned in the previous post, killing characters is like killing a part of yourself. If anyone found it easy, I imagine they wouldn't be a very good writer because they wouldn't be able to relay the feelings of the characters to the audience.
I like to think that, in bawling my eyes out and feeling like someone just killed my puppy, I'm relating to my characters. Therefore by that, I am then relating the audience to the characters. Ultimately it will be determined when my friends and family members read the book. According to my friends, they've been impacted pretty hard by the previous character deaths, so I can only imagine how this one is going to play out.
Today, on the way to a hair appointment, I was telling my mom that I couldn't really fathom what was going on. Let me lay this out for those of you just joining in: Less than one year ago, one of my greatest friends texted me. About a week after she ranted about how much she (a non-fantasy reader), loved my first book, she sent me a poem based upon the first book.
To inspire someone is, I think, the ultimate goal of every author. With that knowledge that my friend felt led to write a poem about my book, I suddenly was fueled to write the second book. In under two months, I finished book 2 and rolled right on into the semester with a fire to write book 3. By the new year, I had finished book 3. From my brother's comments, I rewrote my first book, finishing by early February, all the while writing a novella for my senior seminar class.
And now, only a little over a month after finishing my novella, I finished book 4.
With only one book left to go in the overall story arch (because there's potential for 7 spin off novellas, 2 prequels and a plethora of stand-alone books based on the world), I have to wonder how this has happened. If you had told me a year ago that I was going to write three books, rewrite my first book and write a novella, all in less than a year, I would have punched you and cried that you were mean.
And yet, somehow, here I sit. Four books. Four books and one novella. How...? How did we get here? When did the tomorrow turn into the today? What a crazy phenomenon - the passing of time and the progression of a dream.
With accomplishment and approval at my back, I want to stride forward into the fifth (FIFTH! And it's the final one! Holy wow!), and complete the series. I want to get what's in my head out on paper. I want to see all five books stacked in a pile of paper and words and thoughts and story. Already knowing what the first three manuscripts looked like, a smile plays on my face. This crazy scenario I find myself in is surreal. It doesn't feel possible, and yet somehow, it is.
I like to think that God is blessing me with this. I haven't a clue where He's taking me, but I'm excited. A little nervous from time to time, but mostly, I'm excited. The writing life is an epic adventure of happiness if we allow it to be.
One more. Just go one more.
Smile people. Because the sunrise can be painted in your own world. Don't mind me as I go off and paint mine :)
Currently Writing (add-ons): Alaster
Currently Reading: Eldest by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "A Thousand Miles" the Boyce Avenue Cover
Monday, March 12, 2012
Fighting Through the Rubble
Despite having my computer crash and having to use a loaner machine that's super irritating and having none of my documents readily available to me, I'm continuing on with writing my fourth book.
This will either be the death of me or it'll be wonderful and I'll get a lot done. Or, further still, it'll be something that God's trying to keep me from and I'll lose everything in one giant fell swoop. I'd like to think I listen better than that. But, as we all know, I'm far too prone to falling down.
So onward I trudge, hoping that the six chapters on my laptop will be preserved through the power of God and that only the motherboard crashed.
Let's do this.
This will either be the death of me or it'll be wonderful and I'll get a lot done. Or, further still, it'll be something that God's trying to keep me from and I'll lose everything in one giant fell swoop. I'd like to think I listen better than that. But, as we all know, I'm far too prone to falling down.
So onward I trudge, hoping that the six chapters on my laptop will be preserved through the power of God and that only the motherboard crashed.
Let's do this.
Lent
This is something I don't normally do, although I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it's a good option to follow. Giving something up for lent to focus on God's purposes and plans seems like a great idea. I mean, listening closer to His voice is always a good option, and why not follow something that encourages that behavior?
Without meaning to, I'm going to be somewhat participating in lent. See, on Saturday early afternoon, my laptop crashed. Probably the motherboard finally dying. Anyway, this caused for my weekend to look pretty much like this:
I walked around my flat aimlessly, watched lots of movies and TV shows, red a few chapters, and overall, did NOTHING.
I would love to give up my computer for lent. I would love to give up the constant stream of 'necessity' having a computer brings. However, in today's day and age, and especially in college, that is impossible. I've had professors emailing me all weekend and I only just got back to them this morning because my computer is shot. And you would think that removing a constant thread of work and glaring necessity from my life would make life easier.
It hasn't.
For two days I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't write properly because I wanted to look back at what I had written for my fourth book before I continued on. I couldn't get on and check my emails to see if any jobs had gotten back to me (none of them have, of course). I had none of the familiarity of my computer. It was gone, taken in an instant.
Am I that reliant on a piece of technology that when it's removed, I don't know how to live? It seems that way. That raises concerns for me. I shouldn't be so dependent upon a pile of plastic and pieces that culminates in a computer. And yet somehow I am.
I'm attempting to not let this bother me. However, I feel like an awful person for relying so heavily on my computer. I used to be someone who could go without it, and now somehow, I've reached a point where I feel as though I've gone bonkers without it!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been capable of writing recently. At least, that's what I assume has happened.
Without meaning to, I'm going to be somewhat participating in lent. See, on Saturday early afternoon, my laptop crashed. Probably the motherboard finally dying. Anyway, this caused for my weekend to look pretty much like this:
I walked around my flat aimlessly, watched lots of movies and TV shows, red a few chapters, and overall, did NOTHING.
I would love to give up my computer for lent. I would love to give up the constant stream of 'necessity' having a computer brings. However, in today's day and age, and especially in college, that is impossible. I've had professors emailing me all weekend and I only just got back to them this morning because my computer is shot. And you would think that removing a constant thread of work and glaring necessity from my life would make life easier.
It hasn't.
For two days I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't write properly because I wanted to look back at what I had written for my fourth book before I continued on. I couldn't get on and check my emails to see if any jobs had gotten back to me (none of them have, of course). I had none of the familiarity of my computer. It was gone, taken in an instant.
Am I that reliant on a piece of technology that when it's removed, I don't know how to live? It seems that way. That raises concerns for me. I shouldn't be so dependent upon a pile of plastic and pieces that culminates in a computer. And yet somehow I am.
I'm attempting to not let this bother me. However, I feel like an awful person for relying so heavily on my computer. I used to be someone who could go without it, and now somehow, I've reached a point where I feel as though I've gone bonkers without it!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been capable of writing recently. At least, that's what I assume has happened.
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