I'm gonna take a moment to tell you random little things about myself that not everyone knows. Those that do know these things find them odd and tend to laugh at me about them. I don't rightly care.
1. I eat M&M's by color and assemble each color group into a triangle, eating them one at a time, starting at the top. It bothers me when I can't eat them like that.
2. I love the smell of gasoline, bleach, freshly cut grass, and firewood.
3. I hate touchpads on laptops. I find them jumpy & skittery and though it's nothing life threatening, I detest using them.
4. Though I'm twenty-four and do like looking my age via my clothing, I love graphic t-shirts. Whether they display an image or a phrase, I love 'em. The feel, the look, everything about them. I could wear a knit sweater that's comfortable, but the moment I feel like I'm not doing anything "important" (aka, going out to do stuff), I change into a t-shirt.
5. It angers me when my cash isn't all facing the same direction. I will literally stop whatever I'm doing sometimes at work and organize the bills in my drawer. What way do I like them? Face up, with the top of the bill to the right. My mom always said I would make a great bank teller. I even fix bills in friend's wallets, simply 'cause it'll rub against my mind all day until I do something about it.
6. Whenever I find a penny on the ground, I don't pick it up. If it's face up, I leave it alone. If it's face down, I'll flip it over and then leave it behind. Some people are superstitious about stuff like that and think heads-up pennies are good luck. I'll take the bad luck for someone else if it means it'll make their day a little better.
7. I love seeing random acts of kindness. Those times when you act and you think no one is looking or listening and you do something simply out of the kindness of your heart. I love those moments. I think they should be reinforced and reiterated a thousand times. Because the small things matter, even if you don't think so.
8. Talking about myself has never been my strong suit. I'm far more comfortable sitting and listening to someone for hours - yes, hours - and never saying a single thing. I'm perfectly content with sitting back and listening to a great storyteller, even if they're only telling me about their day. Some people have this great gift for telling tales by adding sound effects, side commentary, and emphasizing things in just the right way that you're sucked into whatever they're saying. And when you think back on the conversation, you realize all they talked about was doing their laundry. I love those kinds of people. I think they're born storytellers, and I always want to record them, thinking that what I'm hearing isn't just some boring, run-of-the-mill tale, but a grand adventure.
9. My favorite number is 5, second only to the number 9. I don't know why I like those numbers, I just do. If I had to guess, it's because 5 is right in the middle of nearly everything (think of a number between 1 and 10 sort of stuff), and 9, though a high-roller, isn't nearly as obnoxious as 10, which thinks itself so important as to require a second digit. 9, I think, is a number perfectly content with itself and 5 is a-okay with being stuck in the middle.
10. I've always wanted to fly. And I don't mean Superman fly - that's the boring way to go about it. I mean with feathered wings. For as long as I can remember, I've always had this strong desire to take off and fly away. To feel the air glide through the soft feathers of my wings, to dart through a cloud, to skim a still lake and run my hand across the water. To escape the monotony of life and become something extraordinary. Whenever I see a beautiful sunset, I almost immediately think, "I need a camera and I need wings, pronto." To rise above - literally - and see the world in a whole new way. I think that's why I gave Jen wings. 'Cause if I couldn't have them, well, then I needed to write about someone who did.
For those interested, Camp Nano is coming back in April. Anyone gonna join me? I'm gonna use it as an excuse to really kick things into gear with Zero Point and hammer out at least three more stories from that.
Adventure well, brave warriors.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: THIS. On repeat. I seriously lol every time this comes on the radio now.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Stunted
Ever feel like you just stepped backwards? And I don't mean by like, one step. I mean more like eight years.
I guess the word "oppressed" is right, even though it sounds so horribly wrong. Never have I ever wanted to feel that a word so strong as that should describe how I feel about home. I guess I want to be an adult. I want to grow up and move on and move out. I'm sick of feeling stuck and trapped.
So how do I change that? The problem is, I like the people I work with. I don't want to get a new job because I'd miss hanging out with them. But, I know I can't stay where I am. Not financially. It sucks, I hate saying that, but I think it's what needs to be done. If I could make more money, then I could move out and get my own place and, for once, I could feel like I wasn't a child anymore.
It drives me mad that I don't have my own place. Most days it doesn't bother me, but then there are days like today, where I just kind of want to scream and run away and never come back until I have my own place and can look my parents in the eyes and say, "I'm fine. I've got this. You don't need to see me as twelve anymore."
Maybe that's what it'll take.
Random angry post tonight. Shouldn't be, seeing as the rest of my day was a great adventure. Well, here's hoping that you have a grand adventure tonight. Or tomorrow. Whenever it is for you.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap
I guess the word "oppressed" is right, even though it sounds so horribly wrong. Never have I ever wanted to feel that a word so strong as that should describe how I feel about home. I guess I want to be an adult. I want to grow up and move on and move out. I'm sick of feeling stuck and trapped.
So how do I change that? The problem is, I like the people I work with. I don't want to get a new job because I'd miss hanging out with them. But, I know I can't stay where I am. Not financially. It sucks, I hate saying that, but I think it's what needs to be done. If I could make more money, then I could move out and get my own place and, for once, I could feel like I wasn't a child anymore.
It drives me mad that I don't have my own place. Most days it doesn't bother me, but then there are days like today, where I just kind of want to scream and run away and never come back until I have my own place and can look my parents in the eyes and say, "I'm fine. I've got this. You don't need to see me as twelve anymore."
Maybe that's what it'll take.
Random angry post tonight. Shouldn't be, seeing as the rest of my day was a great adventure. Well, here's hoping that you have a grand adventure tonight. Or tomorrow. Whenever it is for you.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Some Things Shouldn't Come That Small
A few days ago, I watched the movie Courageous with my family.
From here, I'll say beware - for spoilers will tread here. If you haven't seen the movie and want to, I wouldn't recommend reading any further. If you've already seen the movie or simply don't care, then onward we go!
As I sat, watching the events of a child's death unfold on the screen, we got to the funeral scene. The camera panned across the small casket. It hit me in that moment that caskets shouldn't come that small.
Some small things are cute. Small pastries, small stuffed animals, small animals, small kitchen playsets, small gloves, small hats, small computers. The list could go on and on and on. Those things are adorable. You wind up gawking at them saying, "Oh my gosh! It's so cute! I want one!"
Caskets, hospital beds, breathing apparatuses, canes, casts...these things should never have to be small enough to facilitate a child.
Y'know, I'm not a huge fan of kids. My sisters can attest to that. Originally I had hoped that being around my nephew and my niece for a few months would have helped me gain a new appreciation for kids. All it did for me was make me have that much greater of an aversion to them.
That doesn't mean that seeing kids suffer doesn't rip me in two.
Kids are supposed to run amuck, playing games and making up stories. They're supposed to be creating and building, always smiling and never without hope and joy. Yet in this broken world, we sometimes have to witness the sheer brokenness of humanity by seeing it play out in a child's life. It makes me want to cry sometimes when I see a kid that should have no ambitions, fighting for their life. How heart-breaking.
Crazy as it seems though, these kids seem to be so optimistic. You constantly hear about these brave little children struggling against the hardest things imaginable. Thank God for that great representation of hope. I can't heal them, but I can surely pray for them, and for those that watch over them.
Personally, I look forward to when all that pain is gone.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Mirror Mirror" by Jeff Williams feat. Casey Lee Williams
From here, I'll say beware - for spoilers will tread here. If you haven't seen the movie and want to, I wouldn't recommend reading any further. If you've already seen the movie or simply don't care, then onward we go!
As I sat, watching the events of a child's death unfold on the screen, we got to the funeral scene. The camera panned across the small casket. It hit me in that moment that caskets shouldn't come that small.
Some small things are cute. Small pastries, small stuffed animals, small animals, small kitchen playsets, small gloves, small hats, small computers. The list could go on and on and on. Those things are adorable. You wind up gawking at them saying, "Oh my gosh! It's so cute! I want one!"
Caskets, hospital beds, breathing apparatuses, canes, casts...these things should never have to be small enough to facilitate a child.
Y'know, I'm not a huge fan of kids. My sisters can attest to that. Originally I had hoped that being around my nephew and my niece for a few months would have helped me gain a new appreciation for kids. All it did for me was make me have that much greater of an aversion to them.
That doesn't mean that seeing kids suffer doesn't rip me in two.
Kids are supposed to run amuck, playing games and making up stories. They're supposed to be creating and building, always smiling and never without hope and joy. Yet in this broken world, we sometimes have to witness the sheer brokenness of humanity by seeing it play out in a child's life. It makes me want to cry sometimes when I see a kid that should have no ambitions, fighting for their life. How heart-breaking.
Crazy as it seems though, these kids seem to be so optimistic. You constantly hear about these brave little children struggling against the hardest things imaginable. Thank God for that great representation of hope. I can't heal them, but I can surely pray for them, and for those that watch over them.
Personally, I look forward to when all that pain is gone.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Mirror Mirror" by Jeff Williams feat. Casey Lee Williams
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Cabin Fever
In the span of two days, I wound up getting an intense case of claustrophobia in regards to my house. I don't know why, exactly. Just that I wanted out. I craved an adventure and for some reason, I wished to do so alone. Coupled with that was this sudden urge to not sleep.
Sometimes I get this strange desire to pull an all nighter, work until morning, watch the sunrise while I have some coffee, ease into the day, and then just barrel on through with whatever else needs to get done. Normally, I ignore this. Because it's crazy. It's bizarre. Normal people don't do that.
Recently, I decided that "normal" never applied to me and that I simply don't care what other people think of me or what I do with my time. So, following that mantra, I decided to stay up all night. It wasn't until around 5:30 that I realized my mom would be getting up and would undoubtedly question why I was awake. Thankfully, she didn't press the issue and let my randomness be.
Now, I really shouldn't call it an all nighter. I did nap for about two hours. (Aside, I'm smelling toast. I hope my brother is making something, otherwise, insanity literally is only moments away.) Anyway, now that I'm almost to my regular bedtime, I sit back and look at the day. I was incredibly productive. I had eleven things I wanted to accomplish. One of them was wishful thinking (building a custom bookcase). The only other thing I didn't get done was vacuuming, and that's 'cause I only just finished excavating my floor about an hour ago.
You've gotta blow up a room before you can clean & organize it.
Strange how I can function so well with so little sleep. I imagine that when I wake up tomorrow (later today?), I'll feel it and curse myself. At the moment though, I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that for once, I followed a brash and instinctual decision. I did a lot of nonprofit stuff and a ton of agent narrowing-down between the hours of one and five-thirty. Around six I began to get myself ready to go watch the sunrise.
All in all. It was a good day. I encourage you to do something random and unusual today. You never know what'll happen until you try something new. Make every day a new adventure.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Red Like Roses" by Jeff Williams feat. Casey Lee Williams
Sometimes I get this strange desire to pull an all nighter, work until morning, watch the sunrise while I have some coffee, ease into the day, and then just barrel on through with whatever else needs to get done. Normally, I ignore this. Because it's crazy. It's bizarre. Normal people don't do that.
Recently, I decided that "normal" never applied to me and that I simply don't care what other people think of me or what I do with my time. So, following that mantra, I decided to stay up all night. It wasn't until around 5:30 that I realized my mom would be getting up and would undoubtedly question why I was awake. Thankfully, she didn't press the issue and let my randomness be.
Now, I really shouldn't call it an all nighter. I did nap for about two hours. (Aside, I'm smelling toast. I hope my brother is making something, otherwise, insanity literally is only moments away.) Anyway, now that I'm almost to my regular bedtime, I sit back and look at the day. I was incredibly productive. I had eleven things I wanted to accomplish. One of them was wishful thinking (building a custom bookcase). The only other thing I didn't get done was vacuuming, and that's 'cause I only just finished excavating my floor about an hour ago.
You've gotta blow up a room before you can clean & organize it.
Strange how I can function so well with so little sleep. I imagine that when I wake up tomorrow (later today?), I'll feel it and curse myself. At the moment though, I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that for once, I followed a brash and instinctual decision. I did a lot of nonprofit stuff and a ton of agent narrowing-down between the hours of one and five-thirty. Around six I began to get myself ready to go watch the sunrise.
All in all. It was a good day. I encourage you to do something random and unusual today. You never know what'll happen until you try something new. Make every day a new adventure.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Red Like Roses" by Jeff Williams feat. Casey Lee Williams
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Never Have I Ever
Tonight I had an interesting conversation with a coworker. Although most days I have interesting/strange conversations with my coworkers. So I guess that isn't news.
Somehow, we got onto the topic of alcohol and how I've never been drunk. A look of bewilderment on my coworker's face, he says, "You never got drunk in all your time at college? How does that happen?" I told him that I imagine that if I played "Never Have I Ever", anyone I played with would find my life incredibly boring. There's a lot I haven't done. He just stared at me with this half-smile as if to say, "I don't believe you."
I guess this'll be a fun fact post. 'Cause there are lots of things I haven't done.
I've never been drunk. I don't know what weed smells like. I've never smoked a cigarette or cigar. I've never been to a party where there was underage drinking. I've never seen porn (although a lot of Hollywood stuff is pushing that limit). I've never stayed out all night. I've never gone over 85 in any car I've ever driven (my dad's Sky included). I've never heard a gun fired in real life. I've never been in a life-threatening situation brought on by another person (aka, assaulted). I've never threatened or thought of running away from home. I'm sure there are many more things I haven't done.
Here are some things I have done.
I stole once when I was a kid (I don't remember what, I just remember stuffing something into my pocket and continually looking around all nervous-like. I was probably like, six). I cheated on a quiz one time in elementary school. I lied about a few of my classes when I transferred to Houghton (classes I should have passed and, because of laziness, failed). I've looked people in the eye and told them I loved them when all I wanted to do was punch them square in the face. I've rubbed my financial stability in the face of people struggling to get by. I've lied to my family about so many things I've forgotten them all. I'm materialistic when it comes to technology (legit). I can be a hypocrite if I'm not careful. I have anger issues. And many, many more things.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with being "sheltered". Yeah, my life is pretty dull. For now. Give me some time. I've still got a few more books to write and quite a few to get published. One day my life will be a little more epic. Until then, I'm just gonna be a twenty-something working in retail, trying to make a difference in the people that inhabit this world.
Happy adventuring everyone. Go make today a great one, regardless of whether it's within a "sheltered" sense or not. It's your adventure after all. Make it one worth telling.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "All the Kings Horses" by Two Steps From Hell
P.S. - Today one of my coworkers climbed into an empty box and had a fellow coworker push him across the store. Just in case you ever think that retail is boring.
Somehow, we got onto the topic of alcohol and how I've never been drunk. A look of bewilderment on my coworker's face, he says, "You never got drunk in all your time at college? How does that happen?" I told him that I imagine that if I played "Never Have I Ever", anyone I played with would find my life incredibly boring. There's a lot I haven't done. He just stared at me with this half-smile as if to say, "I don't believe you."
I guess this'll be a fun fact post. 'Cause there are lots of things I haven't done.
I've never been drunk. I don't know what weed smells like. I've never smoked a cigarette or cigar. I've never been to a party where there was underage drinking. I've never seen porn (although a lot of Hollywood stuff is pushing that limit). I've never stayed out all night. I've never gone over 85 in any car I've ever driven (my dad's Sky included). I've never heard a gun fired in real life. I've never been in a life-threatening situation brought on by another person (aka, assaulted). I've never threatened or thought of running away from home. I'm sure there are many more things I haven't done.
Here are some things I have done.
I stole once when I was a kid (I don't remember what, I just remember stuffing something into my pocket and continually looking around all nervous-like. I was probably like, six). I cheated on a quiz one time in elementary school. I lied about a few of my classes when I transferred to Houghton (classes I should have passed and, because of laziness, failed). I've looked people in the eye and told them I loved them when all I wanted to do was punch them square in the face. I've rubbed my financial stability in the face of people struggling to get by. I've lied to my family about so many things I've forgotten them all. I'm materialistic when it comes to technology (legit). I can be a hypocrite if I'm not careful. I have anger issues. And many, many more things.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with being "sheltered". Yeah, my life is pretty dull. For now. Give me some time. I've still got a few more books to write and quite a few to get published. One day my life will be a little more epic. Until then, I'm just gonna be a twenty-something working in retail, trying to make a difference in the people that inhabit this world.
Happy adventuring everyone. Go make today a great one, regardless of whether it's within a "sheltered" sense or not. It's your adventure after all. Make it one worth telling.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "All the Kings Horses" by Two Steps From Hell
P.S. - Today one of my coworkers climbed into an empty box and had a fellow coworker push him across the store. Just in case you ever think that retail is boring.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Valentine's Day
This is a "holiday" I never liked. Not because I've never had a valentine with whom to share the day, but because of the absurdity behind it. The fact that our society literally takes a day and highlights the importance of having a significant other doesn't make sense to me. Why is it so important? Sure, I wouldn't mind having someone to share my story with - and I theirs - but it doesn't define me.
When Valentine's day rolls around, I don't start scrambling, hoping that I'll come across my soul mate within the allotted time. In fact, the day would go completely unnoticed - if people wouldn't harp on it.
One of my co-workers said to me today, "You need a boyfriend. It'll make you happier."
I don't remember what I said. I just remember that I walked away and rolled my eyes. Yes, because my happiness is exactly proportional to whether or not I have someone in my life I call my boyfriend, I thought. I wanted to tell my co-worker that I was fine without a boyfriend, because I have a Heavenly Father that loves me regardless of the stupid things that I do.
I have yet to meet a guy (or girl, for that matter), that through it all, dating, engagement and marriage, to love every facet of his/her girl/boyfriend-fiance-wife/husband. Inevitably, all those little things you used to find cute turn into the biggest annoyances the longer you spend together. Even the happiest couples I know fight and disagree. Everyone always seems to think they'll saunter into marriage and it'll always be roses and poppy fields. That you just go frolicking through life, hand-in-hand, without a care in the world.
This day doesn't bother me because I find myself alone. It bothers me because we've turned what could have been a day to celebrate relationships and instead flipped it on its head. Valentine's day has become this thing to exemplify how if you're important, if you're special, then you've got someone to share Valentine's day with. It kind of makes me sad when I see beautiful girls say things like, "I'm so happy I finally have someone to share Valentine's day with!"
...So? No offense deary, but you've gotta learn to be okay with who you are and who God sees you as before you can learn to properly love another person. At least, learn to love them in the right way. But that's just me. Little ol' me. I've never been in a relationship and I don't know if I'll ever get married. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way off base. Something tells me I'm not though.
Thankfully, there are places like Chick-fil-A that spent the day handing out flowers to their female customers, telling them, "Happy Valentine's day ma'am." Do you realize how refreshing that was? For a large company to look at the world and say, "Y'know, every woman is beautiful, whether she's got a guy in her life or not. Let's celebrate that instead of emphasizing how you've gotta have someone, or you're no one."
Like I said though, I may be wrong. I may be a hypocrite and whenever I am in relationship, I'll be all gung-ho for Valentine's day. I'd be surprised if that were the case though. I'm not really a flower's & chocolate kind of girl. But who knows. Maybe that'll change. Maybe my cynical heart still has some hope.
Well, here's hoping you had a wonderful day - whether you celebrated Valentine's day or not. And guess what? You're beautiful. Or handsome, if you happen to be a guy and you're reading this. In which case, I congratulate you for trudging through the muck of my blog writing! I always kind of thought my writing didn't appeal to guys.
Happy adventuring.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Transformation" by the Cinematic Orchestra
When Valentine's day rolls around, I don't start scrambling, hoping that I'll come across my soul mate within the allotted time. In fact, the day would go completely unnoticed - if people wouldn't harp on it.
One of my co-workers said to me today, "You need a boyfriend. It'll make you happier."
I don't remember what I said. I just remember that I walked away and rolled my eyes. Yes, because my happiness is exactly proportional to whether or not I have someone in my life I call my boyfriend, I thought. I wanted to tell my co-worker that I was fine without a boyfriend, because I have a Heavenly Father that loves me regardless of the stupid things that I do.
I have yet to meet a guy (or girl, for that matter), that through it all, dating, engagement and marriage, to love every facet of his/her girl/boyfriend-fiance-wife/husband. Inevitably, all those little things you used to find cute turn into the biggest annoyances the longer you spend together. Even the happiest couples I know fight and disagree. Everyone always seems to think they'll saunter into marriage and it'll always be roses and poppy fields. That you just go frolicking through life, hand-in-hand, without a care in the world.
This day doesn't bother me because I find myself alone. It bothers me because we've turned what could have been a day to celebrate relationships and instead flipped it on its head. Valentine's day has become this thing to exemplify how if you're important, if you're special, then you've got someone to share Valentine's day with. It kind of makes me sad when I see beautiful girls say things like, "I'm so happy I finally have someone to share Valentine's day with!"
...So? No offense deary, but you've gotta learn to be okay with who you are and who God sees you as before you can learn to properly love another person. At least, learn to love them in the right way. But that's just me. Little ol' me. I've never been in a relationship and I don't know if I'll ever get married. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm way off base. Something tells me I'm not though.
Thankfully, there are places like Chick-fil-A that spent the day handing out flowers to their female customers, telling them, "Happy Valentine's day ma'am." Do you realize how refreshing that was? For a large company to look at the world and say, "Y'know, every woman is beautiful, whether she's got a guy in her life or not. Let's celebrate that instead of emphasizing how you've gotta have someone, or you're no one."
Like I said though, I may be wrong. I may be a hypocrite and whenever I am in relationship, I'll be all gung-ho for Valentine's day. I'd be surprised if that were the case though. I'm not really a flower's & chocolate kind of girl. But who knows. Maybe that'll change. Maybe my cynical heart still has some hope.
Well, here's hoping you had a wonderful day - whether you celebrated Valentine's day or not. And guess what? You're beautiful. Or handsome, if you happen to be a guy and you're reading this. In which case, I congratulate you for trudging through the muck of my blog writing! I always kind of thought my writing didn't appeal to guys.
Happy adventuring.
Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Listening to: "Transformation" by the Cinematic Orchestra
Sunday, January 13, 2013
What Lies Ahead
I'm not very prone to looking really far into the future and laying plans out. When I do, I expect them to stay the same. Which is why I tend to freak out if those plans go awry.
As this first year out of school has progressed, I've been witnessing a growing concern - the future of America. Not that I think I have any control over our society as a whole, but I am concerned about where we're choosing to take this country. The fact that we've even begun to entertain the idea of a president having the power to determine how long he should be in charge of our country bothers me. George Washington set the precedent for a reason.
What bothers me more is that we're allowing immoral, corrupt, horribly sadistic people the power to run this country. And it's gone farther than that. It's beginning to reach into our lives and personal choices. We're looking at the beginning of the USSR in America and rather than learn from history, we're blatantly ignoring it.
I've already written a blog about the civil war I think our country is currently in. This concern bridges off of that a bit. I had originally meant that post to be what it was - the obvious problem of the word religion in today's society. But this is bigger than that. We, as a culture, have engaged ourselves in civil war. The artillery hasn't broken out yet, but goodness, it's evident in our speech. Because of that, we've got warring viewpoints.
Conservatives are seen as these ancient people that need to accept that the culture has 'changed to a better thing' to many liberals - that they need to stop being uptight, religious and become more accepting and tolerant. To many conservatives, liberals are immoral, selfish, greedy, lazy people that constantly ask for hand-outs and will turn on their own mother.
If we aren't careful and don't wake up, then we're going to be in a lot of trouble. And this isn't just for me. This is for the very thing America is supposed to be about. America is supposed to be the "home of the free" and the "land of the brave"; the land "under God". So where are you, free ones? Do you feel free? If you do, then you've allowed yourselves to think that freedom is sitting around, doing nothing. Freedom is never easy and it's always something to fight for.
One day, we're gonna wake up and see a very different America than that of the history books. When that day comes, where will you be standing, and with whom will you have put your allegiance? 'Cause at the end of the road there's only one Judge, and He's the Judge of Forever.
I know what freedom is. Do you?
As this first year out of school has progressed, I've been witnessing a growing concern - the future of America. Not that I think I have any control over our society as a whole, but I am concerned about where we're choosing to take this country. The fact that we've even begun to entertain the idea of a president having the power to determine how long he should be in charge of our country bothers me. George Washington set the precedent for a reason.
What bothers me more is that we're allowing immoral, corrupt, horribly sadistic people the power to run this country. And it's gone farther than that. It's beginning to reach into our lives and personal choices. We're looking at the beginning of the USSR in America and rather than learn from history, we're blatantly ignoring it.
I've already written a blog about the civil war I think our country is currently in. This concern bridges off of that a bit. I had originally meant that post to be what it was - the obvious problem of the word religion in today's society. But this is bigger than that. We, as a culture, have engaged ourselves in civil war. The artillery hasn't broken out yet, but goodness, it's evident in our speech. Because of that, we've got warring viewpoints.
Conservatives are seen as these ancient people that need to accept that the culture has 'changed to a better thing' to many liberals - that they need to stop being uptight, religious and become more accepting and tolerant. To many conservatives, liberals are immoral, selfish, greedy, lazy people that constantly ask for hand-outs and will turn on their own mother.
If we aren't careful and don't wake up, then we're going to be in a lot of trouble. And this isn't just for me. This is for the very thing America is supposed to be about. America is supposed to be the "home of the free" and the "land of the brave"; the land "under God". So where are you, free ones? Do you feel free? If you do, then you've allowed yourselves to think that freedom is sitting around, doing nothing. Freedom is never easy and it's always something to fight for.
One day, we're gonna wake up and see a very different America than that of the history books. When that day comes, where will you be standing, and with whom will you have put your allegiance? 'Cause at the end of the road there's only one Judge, and He's the Judge of Forever.
I know what freedom is. Do you?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Wrong or Right?
Y'know what baffles me? This isn't like a silly little thing. It literally confuses me until my brain starts to throb from non-understanding.
I'll explain myself with a story. Today our self-serve color machine decided to freeze. Legit. Out of nowhere it suddenly became non-responsive The menu would pop up, but beyond that, it would just sit there and beep at you. No error messages. No warning. Just random inefficiency.
So about an hour before I had the time to call our helpdesk, I had this customer ask for hep with it, 'cause you know, it wasn't working. I went over with a fellow coworker to help try to remedy the situation. When we discovered it wasn't responding to anything (even a hard shutdown and reboot), we offered to make the copies for the customer behind the counter.
Now, before I continue, let me explain this customer. He was an older, squat gentleman. If you saw him on the street, you'd think, "Aw, he looks like a nice old man. Probably very respectable and conservative." You'd never guess he was carrying around a book of nude women and planned to copy them in a very public place. Not kidding in the slightest.
As he tried to discretely hide the front cover (and failed miserably), he said in an abrupt sort of way, "No thanks." He tucked the book under his arm, facing the cover toward himself, and we apologized to him as he gruffly muttered something before he walked briskly out of the building.
Here's what confuses me.
If it's so okay for someone to be into porn or sex or any sort of sin, then why do we struggle so hard to hide it? I'm positing a question I really want an explanation for. So often we're told to be "tolerant" of others and their choices. To accept them and be gracious in understanding and respecting their actions. To allow that our culture has grown "freer" - or a worse description - "more accepting" to a growing (de)sensitizing culture. We're supposed to be okay with the fact that PG-13 rated movies show sex scenes while R rated films garner full on NC-17 material. We're supposed to be okay with homosexuality. We're supposed to be okay with abortion. Because "that's what our culture has matured to."
Then why do we hide it?
Why do we so shamelessly tuck something away that's supposed to be okay? That's supposed to be accepted? Why do we feel the need to not let others - strangers or otherwise - to know about our obsession? Why keep secrets if what we keep secret is viewed as a-okay?
Just going out on a limb here, but could it be because it's wrong?
I'll explain myself with a story. Today our self-serve color machine decided to freeze. Legit. Out of nowhere it suddenly became non-responsive The menu would pop up, but beyond that, it would just sit there and beep at you. No error messages. No warning. Just random inefficiency.
So about an hour before I had the time to call our helpdesk, I had this customer ask for hep with it, 'cause you know, it wasn't working. I went over with a fellow coworker to help try to remedy the situation. When we discovered it wasn't responding to anything (even a hard shutdown and reboot), we offered to make the copies for the customer behind the counter.
Now, before I continue, let me explain this customer. He was an older, squat gentleman. If you saw him on the street, you'd think, "Aw, he looks like a nice old man. Probably very respectable and conservative." You'd never guess he was carrying around a book of nude women and planned to copy them in a very public place. Not kidding in the slightest.
As he tried to discretely hide the front cover (and failed miserably), he said in an abrupt sort of way, "No thanks." He tucked the book under his arm, facing the cover toward himself, and we apologized to him as he gruffly muttered something before he walked briskly out of the building.
Here's what confuses me.
If it's so okay for someone to be into porn or sex or any sort of sin, then why do we struggle so hard to hide it? I'm positing a question I really want an explanation for. So often we're told to be "tolerant" of others and their choices. To accept them and be gracious in understanding and respecting their actions. To allow that our culture has grown "freer" - or a worse description - "more accepting" to a growing (de)sensitizing culture. We're supposed to be okay with the fact that PG-13 rated movies show sex scenes while R rated films garner full on NC-17 material. We're supposed to be okay with homosexuality. We're supposed to be okay with abortion. Because "that's what our culture has matured to."
Then why do we hide it?
Why do we so shamelessly tuck something away that's supposed to be okay? That's supposed to be accepted? Why do we feel the need to not let others - strangers or otherwise - to know about our obsession? Why keep secrets if what we keep secret is viewed as a-okay?
Just going out on a limb here, but could it be because it's wrong?
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Land of Me
So as Christmas nears, I find myself asking a question of my own character. What is this holiday about? As I hear customer after customer wish a "happy holidays", I want to return with a "Merry Christmas". Billboard after billboard and ad after ad are pushing the 'me-centric' mentality. Get what you want. It's all about the getting, not the giving.
I know I'm pretty alone on this, but my love language is gifts - tied with quality time. Anyway, because of this, giving stuff is one of my absolute favorite things to do. If it were up to me, I'd give away everything that I have to other people. I'm all about seeing faces light up at the prospect of something fun or new. I love seeing the reaction people have when unexpectedly, they're handed something they didn't expect.
Have you ever just given a homeless person dinner? Have you ever handed a twenty to someone you would never get it back from? How about those countless times you've been at a register and the cashier asks, "Would you like to donate to [insert charity here]"? What about when you've seen someone struggling, and rather than pity them, you helped them?
Y'know, Christmas used to be the time when everyone was nicer to their fellow man. People smiled more frequently, laughed more freely, and there was goodness in the air. It didn't have to be snowing to inspire wonder or awe in the hearts of everyone. Things didn't have to appear magical, because everyone was acting a little more like we should be.
And now what's it about? Me, me, me, me, me. What can I get? What did so-and-so get for me? I sure hope whats-their-name got me x because I really want it.
Maybe this is why it hasn't felt like Christmas yet this year. Maybe it's because we've lost the meaning of Christmas. Worst part is, the meaning is at the beginning of the word. How are we this blind?
Sometimes, I really wish I could be heard. If only for the hope that behind my words there might be truth, and that in that truth, there might be some freedom.
Merry Christmas everyone. And happy adventuring this Christmas season.
Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Misty Mountains" from The Hobbit
P.S. - The Hobbit? Yeah. Definitely disappointed.
I know I'm pretty alone on this, but my love language is gifts - tied with quality time. Anyway, because of this, giving stuff is one of my absolute favorite things to do. If it were up to me, I'd give away everything that I have to other people. I'm all about seeing faces light up at the prospect of something fun or new. I love seeing the reaction people have when unexpectedly, they're handed something they didn't expect.
Have you ever just given a homeless person dinner? Have you ever handed a twenty to someone you would never get it back from? How about those countless times you've been at a register and the cashier asks, "Would you like to donate to [insert charity here]"? What about when you've seen someone struggling, and rather than pity them, you helped them?
Y'know, Christmas used to be the time when everyone was nicer to their fellow man. People smiled more frequently, laughed more freely, and there was goodness in the air. It didn't have to be snowing to inspire wonder or awe in the hearts of everyone. Things didn't have to appear magical, because everyone was acting a little more like we should be.
And now what's it about? Me, me, me, me, me. What can I get? What did so-and-so get for me? I sure hope whats-their-name got me x because I really want it.
Maybe this is why it hasn't felt like Christmas yet this year. Maybe it's because we've lost the meaning of Christmas. Worst part is, the meaning is at the beginning of the word. How are we this blind?
Sometimes, I really wish I could be heard. If only for the hope that behind my words there might be truth, and that in that truth, there might be some freedom.
Merry Christmas everyone. And happy adventuring this Christmas season.
Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Misty Mountains" from The Hobbit
P.S. - The Hobbit? Yeah. Definitely disappointed.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Up Next
Tonight was quiet at work. It was a nice change of pace after the past six days of non-stop running every moment I've been there. In the long lulls of nothing going on, I started mulling over what I was going to write next.
Naturally, this next writing adventure won't happen until after the new year. December is normally too busy, and this year I've got boatloads going on that I wasn't anticipating originally. I decided to start thinking about the offshoot stories I planned to eventually write, called The Human-Born Chronicles. I already wrote one (what was supposed to be my only piece for senior sem), but I'd really like the opportunity to write the other five remaining ones.
So, after I finish Arthur (which will definitely be happening!), I'm gonna start tearing into at least some of the HBCs (my affectionate nickname).
Yeah. I really want to beat my nearly 600,000 word total from last year.
Currently Writing: Nothing at the moment. Give me a few weeks.
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)" by Chris Tomlin
Naturally, this next writing adventure won't happen until after the new year. December is normally too busy, and this year I've got boatloads going on that I wasn't anticipating originally. I decided to start thinking about the offshoot stories I planned to eventually write, called The Human-Born Chronicles. I already wrote one (what was supposed to be my only piece for senior sem), but I'd really like the opportunity to write the other five remaining ones.
So, after I finish Arthur (which will definitely be happening!), I'm gonna start tearing into at least some of the HBCs (my affectionate nickname).
Yeah. I really want to beat my nearly 600,000 word total from last year.
Currently Writing: Nothing at the moment. Give me a few weeks.
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)" by Chris Tomlin
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Time
The past two days of work have been draining. Not simply because I've stayed almost an hour over my scheduled time both days, but also it's been crazy busy. It also doesn't help that yesterday I cut a near perfect circle into my thumb by trying to use our grommet thingy (that's a perfectly acceptable descriptive word). Do you know how often you use your thumb? Pretty much for everything. Writing, reading, using your phone/iPod, eating, picking things up. The list goes on and on. However, it did give me a great excuse to buy fancy band-aids.
Now, for the purpose of this post.
Y'know what's a crazy conception? Time. We talk about it every day. How it crawls, how it flies. How it cheats us, robs us, lies to us, gives us an extra hour, takes away an hour, adds up. The many things that 'time' does can grow to infinity.
Well, personally, I think time is useless.
Sure, it helps us organize our lives. You know what it also does? It drives us mad. Everything is done by a clock. How fast can you get something done? How quickly can you get from point a to point b? How swiftly can you perform a task before the time runs out? Runs out for what? What, exactly, are we chasing? What do we gain from constantly checking our watches, our phones, our computer clocks?
Now there are logical things people will combat for time's necessity. It helps us mark the sunrise, the sunset. The end of one day as it bleeds into another. When to do something, when to eat, when to sleep. When to work, when to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Who, exactly, set these standards of when the right 'time' is to get these things done? For the most part, we eat when we're hungry. We sleep when we're tried. We move when we're antsy. We breathe when our body says to. Time, this great villain of our lives, doesn't hold us as fast as we seem to think it does.
So why do we let it?
I'm asked why I love the country. Because there isn't as much of a mad dash for a clock to always be glanced at. The world moves and the wind rolls and there's a peaceful movement. A natural movement. I never feel frazzled or rushed when I'm in the middle of nowhere, lying on my back, gazing at the stars. Why is that?
Because for a few moments, I let time be forgotten, and I appreciate the beauty of true infinity.
Currently Writing: Genesis pitch
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "We Three Kings" by Steven Curtis Chapman
Now, for the purpose of this post.
Y'know what's a crazy conception? Time. We talk about it every day. How it crawls, how it flies. How it cheats us, robs us, lies to us, gives us an extra hour, takes away an hour, adds up. The many things that 'time' does can grow to infinity.
Well, personally, I think time is useless.
Sure, it helps us organize our lives. You know what it also does? It drives us mad. Everything is done by a clock. How fast can you get something done? How quickly can you get from point a to point b? How swiftly can you perform a task before the time runs out? Runs out for what? What, exactly, are we chasing? What do we gain from constantly checking our watches, our phones, our computer clocks?
Now there are logical things people will combat for time's necessity. It helps us mark the sunrise, the sunset. The end of one day as it bleeds into another. When to do something, when to eat, when to sleep. When to work, when to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Who, exactly, set these standards of when the right 'time' is to get these things done? For the most part, we eat when we're hungry. We sleep when we're tried. We move when we're antsy. We breathe when our body says to. Time, this great villain of our lives, doesn't hold us as fast as we seem to think it does.
So why do we let it?
I'm asked why I love the country. Because there isn't as much of a mad dash for a clock to always be glanced at. The world moves and the wind rolls and there's a peaceful movement. A natural movement. I never feel frazzled or rushed when I'm in the middle of nowhere, lying on my back, gazing at the stars. Why is that?
Because for a few moments, I let time be forgotten, and I appreciate the beauty of true infinity.
Currently Writing: Genesis pitch
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "We Three Kings" by Steven Curtis Chapman
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Things I Learn
"Maybe you don't need the whole world to love you. Maybe all you need is...is one person." - Kermit the Frog.
Not even kidding. Ever since I first saw the newest Muppets movie, that quote has been among one of my favorites. It's such an honest thought. But it's one I think we forget.
Today at work, one of my coworkers decided to (once again), tell me how he thought every woman that was coming in the door was hot, "And not jailbait" he added. I hate hearing guys talk like that. Basically constantly scoping every woman out to see if she looks good enough in their eyes. It bothers me because it immediately makes me wonder what others think of me: my biggest downfall.
Then later in the evening, when it was quiet and I had nothing to do but think as I cleaned up and closed the Copy Center for the night, the thought popped into my head. It doesn't matter if every guy thinks I'm beautiful. I don't need to be beautiful to the whole world. I just need to be beautiful to one person.
Naturally that led to the Muppets quote mentioned above sounding in my head in Kermit's ever so noticeable voice.
Anyway, all of this to say: everyone out there who struggles with how others view them. Don't. I know, it's a hard bill to meet. It's like saying don't be afraid of spiders to someone who's terrified of them. But seriously, there's someone out there who thinks you're the most beautiful thing on the planet. You just might not have met them yet.
Sometimes customers ask me if I'm married. I tell them this: "I'm married to whomever my future husband is." And I'm waiting for the day I meet him and he tells me I'm beautiful. Because I'll know that that's what I've been waiting to hear for years from him and him alone.
This random tidbit from the life of Susan Markloff is brought to you by "Peanuts" by Charles Schultz. 'Cause it was the first thing in my room that my eyes set on.
Have a happy day in whatever you do.
Currently Writing: Arthur
Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: The Japanese Digimon intro. Not even kidding. It's hard core stuck in my head.
PS - I once got an A on a racquetball paper because I referenced Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tragedy, Joy, and a Little Hope
Holy wow. What a week. And I haven't even reached the week mark yet.
On Thursday night I saw The Dark Knight Rises at midnight showing. The following day I found out about the shooting in Colorado. Not only was I shocked into silence, but it sort of rocked me upon seeing the movie on Friday with some friends. All I can do is pray for both the victims and the man who thought this was a good idea. I simply cannot fathom someone doing something like that. It doesn't compute to me.
The crazy thing is, this sort of insanity jars people into inspiring hope and goodness. For a day, we act kinder. We see the world beyond our sphere. We might even pray and not condemn the God who gives us breath. For about a day, we remember this awful thing, offer up our condolences via social media, and hope nothing like that happens again.
Then the second day comes.
As if waking from a stupor, we go back to how we really are. Tragedy doesn't truly shock our core anymore. It's just part of the world. However, if one celebrity dies through their own stupidity (or through natural causes), it's like the world swallowed salvation. For days we'll get media coverage. People will play their songs, watch their movies, read their books, etc. till we're sick of them. Facebook pours with how horrible it is that that one person is gone.
But a man comes in and kills many, injures more, and it's only worthy of one day? Only worthy of one moment's thought? How have we gotten to this point? Are we that desensitized? Or is it simply that we cannot imagine multiple deaths? Is it that the higher the toll is, the harder it is to believe or what? I don't understand.
But enough of this musing and doom and gloom.
This week is VBS (Vacation Bible School), at my church. We do an evening one, so I'm working morning shifts and then shooting home to eat then I'm off to church till about 9 in the evening. It's a great experience and uplifting to see young kids learning verses, singing songs of praise, and getting excited as the hour arrives to start. I can't help but smile at some of these kids and their enthusiasm.
And because of how sleep-deprived I'm becoming from this past weekend/week, I am boldly going into the realm of coffee. I'm a bit afraid, but I find it'll be necessary tomorrow with my 4:45 wake up call. So tonight I went to experiment at Wawa to ensure whatever I get tomorrow morning won't make me gag.
Niki and I were standing there, talking about what I might try. I've never done this. How expensive is one cup? What's hot, and what's cold? Can I mix flavors? How big of a cup should I get? How tired am I? Do I really want something hot when it's 96 degrees outside?
Then this one man offered help. He pointed out the prices, joked with me about how to get my hot coffee cold, and the like. I went up to pay for my $1.35 coffee and he was two people in front of me. He's paying for his and points toward me and says to the cashier, "And for her too."
I smiled.
That never happens to me! I'm the person that hears about others doing that sort of thing - random strangers paying a bill, offering a hand, etc. It brought this bit of hope into my heart. A random act of kindness. Can we achieve that? What if we all just took a moment, an action, a smile, and gave it to someone else? What if we all decided to buy the next person in line a coffee?
How much greater could this world be?
I pray a special blessing for that one man. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I think he deserves a good dose of God's blessing. Because that one action made my tiring, headache induced day a whole lot better.
Currently Writing: Nothing. Just jotting down ideas for the next story (which starts next week!!)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Awakening" by Chris Tomlin
P.S. - This was my 100th post. Just FYI.
On Thursday night I saw The Dark Knight Rises at midnight showing. The following day I found out about the shooting in Colorado. Not only was I shocked into silence, but it sort of rocked me upon seeing the movie on Friday with some friends. All I can do is pray for both the victims and the man who thought this was a good idea. I simply cannot fathom someone doing something like that. It doesn't compute to me.
The crazy thing is, this sort of insanity jars people into inspiring hope and goodness. For a day, we act kinder. We see the world beyond our sphere. We might even pray and not condemn the God who gives us breath. For about a day, we remember this awful thing, offer up our condolences via social media, and hope nothing like that happens again.
Then the second day comes.
As if waking from a stupor, we go back to how we really are. Tragedy doesn't truly shock our core anymore. It's just part of the world. However, if one celebrity dies through their own stupidity (or through natural causes), it's like the world swallowed salvation. For days we'll get media coverage. People will play their songs, watch their movies, read their books, etc. till we're sick of them. Facebook pours with how horrible it is that that one person is gone.
But a man comes in and kills many, injures more, and it's only worthy of one day? Only worthy of one moment's thought? How have we gotten to this point? Are we that desensitized? Or is it simply that we cannot imagine multiple deaths? Is it that the higher the toll is, the harder it is to believe or what? I don't understand.
But enough of this musing and doom and gloom.
This week is VBS (Vacation Bible School), at my church. We do an evening one, so I'm working morning shifts and then shooting home to eat then I'm off to church till about 9 in the evening. It's a great experience and uplifting to see young kids learning verses, singing songs of praise, and getting excited as the hour arrives to start. I can't help but smile at some of these kids and their enthusiasm.
And because of how sleep-deprived I'm becoming from this past weekend/week, I am boldly going into the realm of coffee. I'm a bit afraid, but I find it'll be necessary tomorrow with my 4:45 wake up call. So tonight I went to experiment at Wawa to ensure whatever I get tomorrow morning won't make me gag.
Niki and I were standing there, talking about what I might try. I've never done this. How expensive is one cup? What's hot, and what's cold? Can I mix flavors? How big of a cup should I get? How tired am I? Do I really want something hot when it's 96 degrees outside?
Then this one man offered help. He pointed out the prices, joked with me about how to get my hot coffee cold, and the like. I went up to pay for my $1.35 coffee and he was two people in front of me. He's paying for his and points toward me and says to the cashier, "And for her too."
I smiled.
That never happens to me! I'm the person that hears about others doing that sort of thing - random strangers paying a bill, offering a hand, etc. It brought this bit of hope into my heart. A random act of kindness. Can we achieve that? What if we all just took a moment, an action, a smile, and gave it to someone else? What if we all decided to buy the next person in line a coffee?
How much greater could this world be?
I pray a special blessing for that one man. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I think he deserves a good dose of God's blessing. Because that one action made my tiring, headache induced day a whole lot better.
Currently Writing: Nothing. Just jotting down ideas for the next story (which starts next week!!)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Awakening" by Chris Tomlin
P.S. - This was my 100th post. Just FYI.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sinking
I think everyone reaches points like this throughout their lives.
I need more hours in the day. I need to not require sleep. I need to stop worrying. I need to relinquish control. I need to stop giving in to fear. I need to try harder. I need to try less. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. Or am I doing too much?
This crazy juxtaposition of emotions is what I'm falling into at the moment.
Not a single book has been sold in almost two weeks. That shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. It shouldn't bother me because I'm not in this for the money. If I was looking for money, I would have tried harder in school, networked better, and done about a million things differently. I'm in the publishing industry because I want to tell a story and I want the world to know that story. Money - eh, who cares. In the long run, it means little. I only want what I need to get by. I only want to have enough to eat, have a roof over my head that's preferably my own, and a dog. That's it.
I need to find an editor. I've been talking about this for nearly a year now. The problem I face is simple: I don't have enough time right now. Between wanting to read my Bible (and a book Niki and I picked up called "The Story"), working, trying to help around the house, seeing friends before they move to Timbuktu (figuratively), staying on top of new worship songs and VBS next week...
I need to not need sleep.
I haven't touched my Writer's Market Guide in almost a week, and it's grating against me. I feel like I'm not taking steps in the right direction.
Y'know, initially I was going to have my book up for sale on CreateSpace for a limited time. I was only going to keep it up for a month, let those that really wanted it buy it, and then take it down. It would save me time in worrying about it and I'd have what I wanted - a physical copy of my book. Then I thought that was stupid. Then everyone was so excited about it. Nearly everyone I talked to was saying how they wanted to get a copy.
*Shrug* Now what? Is this God blatantly putting up a block, telling me it's not yet time? Is this Him saying to stop - this isn't the avenue? Why can't I get neon lights? I never notice the subtle things. Ever. I need the foghorn.
Maybe that's my problem.
Currently Writing and/or Editing: Absolutely nothing. And I think I might go mad.
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "When the Stars Burn Down (Blessing And Honor)" by Phillips, Craig and Dean
I need more hours in the day. I need to not require sleep. I need to stop worrying. I need to relinquish control. I need to stop giving in to fear. I need to try harder. I need to try less. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. Or am I doing too much?
This crazy juxtaposition of emotions is what I'm falling into at the moment.
Not a single book has been sold in almost two weeks. That shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. It shouldn't bother me because I'm not in this for the money. If I was looking for money, I would have tried harder in school, networked better, and done about a million things differently. I'm in the publishing industry because I want to tell a story and I want the world to know that story. Money - eh, who cares. In the long run, it means little. I only want what I need to get by. I only want to have enough to eat, have a roof over my head that's preferably my own, and a dog. That's it.
I need to find an editor. I've been talking about this for nearly a year now. The problem I face is simple: I don't have enough time right now. Between wanting to read my Bible (and a book Niki and I picked up called "The Story"), working, trying to help around the house, seeing friends before they move to Timbuktu (figuratively), staying on top of new worship songs and VBS next week...
I need to not need sleep.
I haven't touched my Writer's Market Guide in almost a week, and it's grating against me. I feel like I'm not taking steps in the right direction.
Y'know, initially I was going to have my book up for sale on CreateSpace for a limited time. I was only going to keep it up for a month, let those that really wanted it buy it, and then take it down. It would save me time in worrying about it and I'd have what I wanted - a physical copy of my book. Then I thought that was stupid. Then everyone was so excited about it. Nearly everyone I talked to was saying how they wanted to get a copy.
*Shrug* Now what? Is this God blatantly putting up a block, telling me it's not yet time? Is this Him saying to stop - this isn't the avenue? Why can't I get neon lights? I never notice the subtle things. Ever. I need the foghorn.
Maybe that's my problem.
Currently Writing and/or Editing: Absolutely nothing. And I think I might go mad.
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "When the Stars Burn Down (Blessing And Honor)" by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Monday, July 16, 2012
One of Those Silly Little Things
Writers of Fantasy and Science Fiction are bound to know what I'm talking about.
When we crazy writers decide to start writing a story about an ancient culture, new species, alien race, off-shoot Human culture, etc. we tend to come up with wacky names. Not only for our characters, but for the countries, roads, houses, mountains and the like. So, us being the semi-OCD people we are, we make our word processing software learn all of these names. Simply because the little red squiggly lines irritate us.
At least, I do this. For all I know, I'm completely alone on this front. Something tells me I'm not though.
Here's an example:
See what I mean? It's that one little thing that puts a hiccup into a computer transfer that most people don't need to worry about. Even very Human names, like Skylar and Alaster (which, by the way, are incorrect for Google Chrome too), come up as misspellings. Though they're used and, I think, fairly recognizable. At least Alaster is. Skylar is unique.
This is just one thing Science Fiction and Fantasy writers get to do. We get the honor of massive red squiggly lines adorning our manuscripts when we open them on other computers. We get to see special characters (like mine for book three), turned into some other random font the computer thought best fit that missing font. We get to teach our computer about our world just like we do our audience.
It's kind of fun doing insane things.
Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Sleep" by Polyphony and Stephen Layton
^Random tidbit - this is my most listened to song on my iPod. Not even kidding. It's my absolute favorite.
When we crazy writers decide to start writing a story about an ancient culture, new species, alien race, off-shoot Human culture, etc. we tend to come up with wacky names. Not only for our characters, but for the countries, roads, houses, mountains and the like. So, us being the semi-OCD people we are, we make our word processing software learn all of these names. Simply because the little red squiggly lines irritate us.
At least, I do this. For all I know, I'm completely alone on this front. Something tells me I'm not though.
Here's an example:
All names copyright to me :)
See what I mean? It's that one little thing that puts a hiccup into a computer transfer that most people don't need to worry about. Even very Human names, like Skylar and Alaster (which, by the way, are incorrect for Google Chrome too), come up as misspellings. Though they're used and, I think, fairly recognizable. At least Alaster is. Skylar is unique.
This is just one thing Science Fiction and Fantasy writers get to do. We get the honor of massive red squiggly lines adorning our manuscripts when we open them on other computers. We get to see special characters (like mine for book three), turned into some other random font the computer thought best fit that missing font. We get to teach our computer about our world just like we do our audience.
It's kind of fun doing insane things.
Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Sleep" by Polyphony and Stephen Layton
^Random tidbit - this is my most listened to song on my iPod. Not even kidding. It's my absolute favorite.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Foolish Fool
Y'know what I don't do well? Not sin.
Seriously. I am so horrible at keeping myself from sinning. Okay, I guess not horrible. But I am pretty dang screwed up. I can't stop myself sometimes. I know it's wrong and I'll even be thinking as I'm sinning, "This is wrong", but I'm stupid and I don't stop. What does that say about me? I know this kills my heavenly Father to watch me do this. I know I'm incredibly ashamed of it afterward. I'm ashamed of it as I'm doing it.
It's as simple as a lie. I know I'm lying. I know I'm not being honest and I hate myself for doing it. And yet I still do! How absolutely...absurd.
What kind of creature looks at wrong things, says, "That's bad," knows that it just makes us feel awful afterward, and still, despite that knowledge, goes for it? How masochistic are we as humans that we don't know how to just say no?
Awful thoughts enter our minds as we're driving down the road and the person in front of us is driving ten miles under the speed limit. Anger floods our bones at the most inane of situations. Violence screams in our marrow. We tear one another down. We ridicule and defame. As though that'll somehow make us feel better.
We lie. We cheat. We steal. At the end of it all, we know full well it's wrong. We know it's not going to help anything. In fact, we'll regret it later. Yet we still do it. Curse our human nature.
The craziest thing is though that God is still willing to take us.
Why would he want to call me His child? What have I possibly done to deserve being called His daughter? Nothing. But He still does.
What great, unfathomable love.
Seriously. I am so horrible at keeping myself from sinning. Okay, I guess not horrible. But I am pretty dang screwed up. I can't stop myself sometimes. I know it's wrong and I'll even be thinking as I'm sinning, "This is wrong", but I'm stupid and I don't stop. What does that say about me? I know this kills my heavenly Father to watch me do this. I know I'm incredibly ashamed of it afterward. I'm ashamed of it as I'm doing it.
It's as simple as a lie. I know I'm lying. I know I'm not being honest and I hate myself for doing it. And yet I still do! How absolutely...absurd.
What kind of creature looks at wrong things, says, "That's bad," knows that it just makes us feel awful afterward, and still, despite that knowledge, goes for it? How masochistic are we as humans that we don't know how to just say no?
Awful thoughts enter our minds as we're driving down the road and the person in front of us is driving ten miles under the speed limit. Anger floods our bones at the most inane of situations. Violence screams in our marrow. We tear one another down. We ridicule and defame. As though that'll somehow make us feel better.
We lie. We cheat. We steal. At the end of it all, we know full well it's wrong. We know it's not going to help anything. In fact, we'll regret it later. Yet we still do it. Curse our human nature.
The craziest thing is though that God is still willing to take us.
Why would he want to call me His child? What have I possibly done to deserve being called His daughter? Nothing. But He still does.
What great, unfathomable love.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Aboutway Onglay Ostspay
I've been told that my posts are too long and deter people from reading them. So I'll just say this:
It's a new month and around 6 a.m. on the 1st of May, I finished the first draft of my fifth book.
Happy writing!
It's a new month and around 6 a.m. on the 1st of May, I finished the first draft of my fifth book.
Happy writing!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Rewards
So who wants to get me The Sims 3 plus Pets as a graduation present so I have something to do while I'm in Buffalo for a week waiting for a wedding? Please?
I keep telling myself that I won't ask for (or buy with the few dollars I have), The Sims 3 until I finish my fifth book. Mostly because it'll be a way to reward myself in a small way and then I won't feel bad playing it for hours and hours a day, rather than writing. That game sucks up so much of my life it isn't funny.
So tomorrow marks the beginning of the last week of my college career. There's that pesky Monday the 30th hanging out as the last day, but I count this as my last official week. I'm not going to want to do anything on Monday except be done. My finals will be fairly painless aside from a math one lurking in the distance, so that means that next week will be my packing and fun week while Senior week will be my frantic packing and freaking out week as I try to make sure I have everything of mine that needs to go home and everything that needs to go with me to Buffalo.
And then I'll sit around for a week, waiting for the 19th when one of my friends gets married.
If I make my deadline (which I sincerely hope I do), and finish my fifth book before graduation, then that'll mean that the week I'm in Buffalo I won't have anything pressing to do. At least, I don't think I will. I'm not putting it past myself to suddenly want to tackle the rewrite of my second book or a whole new book entirely in the prequel category of my world.
OH MY GOSH and The Sims 3 plus Pets just dropped to 25 dollars. I need money. Someone, please? Give me a job or pay me to do something? Ugh. This whole process of growing up is hard.
Meanwhile, in the life of me, I've been plugging away at my fifth book and it feels like it's moving along fairly well so far. I'm maybe a third of the way through the book so that's good timing and if I keep up this pace, I'll be able to have it done by graduation. That would be awesome.
In other news, my sister just finished her weekend of performances of The Miracle Worker, in which she played Ann Sullivan, the caretaker and teacher of Hellen Keller. It was a great show and good gracious my sister is a talented actress! It's a shame she doesn't see it herself. She was absolutely mind-blowingly amazing in her performance and had the audience going right along with her. It was really cool to see her be the lead in such a complex show where she has to effectively carry the cast throughout the whole play. She really got into the role and brought it to life, and I think she did Ann Sullivan justice.
Welp, I'm off to keep writing till about 3 am. One day I'll learn to sleep like a normal person.
Happy writing!
Currently Writing: Revelation
Currently Reading: Honestly, nothing. All of my free time is spent in writing. I'm still trudging through Eldest by Christopher Paolini whenever I can pry myself away from my computer.
Currently Listening to: "Unstoppable" by E.S. Posthumus
I keep telling myself that I won't ask for (or buy with the few dollars I have), The Sims 3 until I finish my fifth book. Mostly because it'll be a way to reward myself in a small way and then I won't feel bad playing it for hours and hours a day, rather than writing. That game sucks up so much of my life it isn't funny.
So tomorrow marks the beginning of the last week of my college career. There's that pesky Monday the 30th hanging out as the last day, but I count this as my last official week. I'm not going to want to do anything on Monday except be done. My finals will be fairly painless aside from a math one lurking in the distance, so that means that next week will be my packing and fun week while Senior week will be my frantic packing and freaking out week as I try to make sure I have everything of mine that needs to go home and everything that needs to go with me to Buffalo.
And then I'll sit around for a week, waiting for the 19th when one of my friends gets married.
If I make my deadline (which I sincerely hope I do), and finish my fifth book before graduation, then that'll mean that the week I'm in Buffalo I won't have anything pressing to do. At least, I don't think I will. I'm not putting it past myself to suddenly want to tackle the rewrite of my second book or a whole new book entirely in the prequel category of my world.
OH MY GOSH and The Sims 3 plus Pets just dropped to 25 dollars. I need money. Someone, please? Give me a job or pay me to do something? Ugh. This whole process of growing up is hard.
Meanwhile, in the life of me, I've been plugging away at my fifth book and it feels like it's moving along fairly well so far. I'm maybe a third of the way through the book so that's good timing and if I keep up this pace, I'll be able to have it done by graduation. That would be awesome.
In other news, my sister just finished her weekend of performances of The Miracle Worker, in which she played Ann Sullivan, the caretaker and teacher of Hellen Keller. It was a great show and good gracious my sister is a talented actress! It's a shame she doesn't see it herself. She was absolutely mind-blowingly amazing in her performance and had the audience going right along with her. It was really cool to see her be the lead in such a complex show where she has to effectively carry the cast throughout the whole play. She really got into the role and brought it to life, and I think she did Ann Sullivan justice.
Welp, I'm off to keep writing till about 3 am. One day I'll learn to sleep like a normal person.
Happy writing!
Currently Writing: Revelation
Currently Reading: Honestly, nothing. All of my free time is spent in writing. I'm still trudging through Eldest by Christopher Paolini whenever I can pry myself away from my computer.
Currently Listening to: "Unstoppable" by E.S. Posthumus
Friday, March 30, 2012
Why am I Doing This?
I really don't know.
Just sort of musing out loud here. Nothing really meant to inspire. Although that'd be my luck to have it be the one post I never intend for anyone to read is the one that actually gets me some attention on this blog.
When I started this blog I did it just to be...loud. I don't know.I think I thought I would be lucky and lots of people would read it and I'd be one of those people that someone would go, "Wow! That's so cool! I want to do something like that!" Instead, I'm off in some dusty corner of the internet where I'm fairly certain no one reads anything.
My page views are practically in the negatives. I have one follower and she doesn't use her blog anymore. Ever.
So then why do I still try? Why don't I just delete this blog? Why do I keep updating? What am I hoping to accomplish? The answers to all of these are simply this: I have no idea.
I think I keep hoping for something miraculous to happen and I'll be noticed. Sadly though, it appears as though I tend to fade into the background everywhere I go. Whether reality, story, or even on the internet. I'm someone that seems to get forgotten.I get dusted into a corner and I'm that one pile of dust that you forget after a whole day of cleaning. It isn't till three months later that you realize you've got this pile in the corner and you're frustrated it's still there. But you ultimately do nothing about it.
This isn't meant to be anything like I'm seeking attention. Then again, everyone says that. I just wanted to think aloud. And the best way I do that at all hours is to write. My journal is packed into a box for Easter break and I have no desire to unpack everything just to find one small book only to put it all back again. That and...I can't remember which box it's in. So yeah, here I am, musing on the lost corner of the internet.
Anyway. I think I keep writing on this because I'm hopeful. I don't really know what for exactly. It might be the hope that when I'm published one day maybe my fans will find this blog and actually enjoy what's here. Or maybe it'll be like everything else. I'll just stay here. A dormant candle, flickering forever but never bursting forth like the fireworks.
And for some reason, this tiny candle aspires to be a firework. But I'm not even a trick candle. I just sit there and burn steadily. I can't do anything else. My skills are too limited. So how does something with no skills to become a firework turn into one?
*Shrugs* I dunno. This is life. It's an adventure and no one said it would be easy. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I can and keep trying. In theory one day all the attempts will amount to something actually reaching fulfillment.
Currently Writing: Unseen
Currently Reading: On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner
Currently Listening to: "Rainbow Connection" by The Muppets
Just sort of musing out loud here. Nothing really meant to inspire. Although that'd be my luck to have it be the one post I never intend for anyone to read is the one that actually gets me some attention on this blog.
When I started this blog I did it just to be...loud. I don't know.I think I thought I would be lucky and lots of people would read it and I'd be one of those people that someone would go, "Wow! That's so cool! I want to do something like that!" Instead, I'm off in some dusty corner of the internet where I'm fairly certain no one reads anything.
My page views are practically in the negatives. I have one follower and she doesn't use her blog anymore. Ever.
So then why do I still try? Why don't I just delete this blog? Why do I keep updating? What am I hoping to accomplish? The answers to all of these are simply this: I have no idea.
I think I keep hoping for something miraculous to happen and I'll be noticed. Sadly though, it appears as though I tend to fade into the background everywhere I go. Whether reality, story, or even on the internet. I'm someone that seems to get forgotten.I get dusted into a corner and I'm that one pile of dust that you forget after a whole day of cleaning. It isn't till three months later that you realize you've got this pile in the corner and you're frustrated it's still there. But you ultimately do nothing about it.
This isn't meant to be anything like I'm seeking attention. Then again, everyone says that. I just wanted to think aloud. And the best way I do that at all hours is to write. My journal is packed into a box for Easter break and I have no desire to unpack everything just to find one small book only to put it all back again. That and...I can't remember which box it's in. So yeah, here I am, musing on the lost corner of the internet.
Anyway. I think I keep writing on this because I'm hopeful. I don't really know what for exactly. It might be the hope that when I'm published one day maybe my fans will find this blog and actually enjoy what's here. Or maybe it'll be like everything else. I'll just stay here. A dormant candle, flickering forever but never bursting forth like the fireworks.
And for some reason, this tiny candle aspires to be a firework. But I'm not even a trick candle. I just sit there and burn steadily. I can't do anything else. My skills are too limited. So how does something with no skills to become a firework turn into one?
*Shrugs* I dunno. This is life. It's an adventure and no one said it would be easy. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I can and keep trying. In theory one day all the attempts will amount to something actually reaching fulfillment.
Currently Writing: Unseen
Currently Reading: On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner
Currently Listening to: "Rainbow Connection" by The Muppets
Monday, March 12, 2012
Lent
This is something I don't normally do, although I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it's a good option to follow. Giving something up for lent to focus on God's purposes and plans seems like a great idea. I mean, listening closer to His voice is always a good option, and why not follow something that encourages that behavior?
Without meaning to, I'm going to be somewhat participating in lent. See, on Saturday early afternoon, my laptop crashed. Probably the motherboard finally dying. Anyway, this caused for my weekend to look pretty much like this:
I walked around my flat aimlessly, watched lots of movies and TV shows, red a few chapters, and overall, did NOTHING.
I would love to give up my computer for lent. I would love to give up the constant stream of 'necessity' having a computer brings. However, in today's day and age, and especially in college, that is impossible. I've had professors emailing me all weekend and I only just got back to them this morning because my computer is shot. And you would think that removing a constant thread of work and glaring necessity from my life would make life easier.
It hasn't.
For two days I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't write properly because I wanted to look back at what I had written for my fourth book before I continued on. I couldn't get on and check my emails to see if any jobs had gotten back to me (none of them have, of course). I had none of the familiarity of my computer. It was gone, taken in an instant.
Am I that reliant on a piece of technology that when it's removed, I don't know how to live? It seems that way. That raises concerns for me. I shouldn't be so dependent upon a pile of plastic and pieces that culminates in a computer. And yet somehow I am.
I'm attempting to not let this bother me. However, I feel like an awful person for relying so heavily on my computer. I used to be someone who could go without it, and now somehow, I've reached a point where I feel as though I've gone bonkers without it!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been capable of writing recently. At least, that's what I assume has happened.
Without meaning to, I'm going to be somewhat participating in lent. See, on Saturday early afternoon, my laptop crashed. Probably the motherboard finally dying. Anyway, this caused for my weekend to look pretty much like this:
I walked around my flat aimlessly, watched lots of movies and TV shows, red a few chapters, and overall, did NOTHING.
I would love to give up my computer for lent. I would love to give up the constant stream of 'necessity' having a computer brings. However, in today's day and age, and especially in college, that is impossible. I've had professors emailing me all weekend and I only just got back to them this morning because my computer is shot. And you would think that removing a constant thread of work and glaring necessity from my life would make life easier.
It hasn't.
For two days I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't write properly because I wanted to look back at what I had written for my fourth book before I continued on. I couldn't get on and check my emails to see if any jobs had gotten back to me (none of them have, of course). I had none of the familiarity of my computer. It was gone, taken in an instant.
Am I that reliant on a piece of technology that when it's removed, I don't know how to live? It seems that way. That raises concerns for me. I shouldn't be so dependent upon a pile of plastic and pieces that culminates in a computer. And yet somehow I am.
I'm attempting to not let this bother me. However, I feel like an awful person for relying so heavily on my computer. I used to be someone who could go without it, and now somehow, I've reached a point where I feel as though I've gone bonkers without it!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been capable of writing recently. At least, that's what I assume has happened.
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