Pictures in my Head

I think if someone were to sit in my brain for even one hour as I listened to music, they would lock me up in a nice padded cell. That doesn't even take my facial expressions as I'm writing into account.

Not only am I prone to quite literally talking to myself as I write (it's how I do dialogue. I can't just imagine something in my head - I have to hear it spoken. It's how I like to make sure the wording is natural. aka, would someone actually say this?), but I glare, frown, grit my teeth at and roll my eyes at my computer screen when I write. Without really thinking it through, I wind up acting out the actions of the person I'm writing about.

There was this one time in my senior seminar class when I realized I was doing this very thing. In a classroom. Filled with other students. Other students that could see me. Now, they were all writers. In theory, they understand the stupidity of what I'm doing. That fact didn't stop me from looking around with wide eyes and then hunching closer to my computer, trying to hide. Just in case anyone noticed.

As though this isn't a big enough worry. I know I'm quite prone to fully engulfing my mind into a character or scene - especially when I'm: 1) alone, 2) listening to music and 3) in my car. So I'm sure there are times when someone drives past me on the highway and glances over to see me screaming or crying or laughing at absolutely nothing. At least, to them it's absolutely nothing. To me, it might be the death of a character and I'm mourning them.

To the outside observer though, I'm just plain nuts.

Sometimes I want to walk up to someone after I've wandered off to imaginary land and ask them, "What were you just thinking about me as I stared off into space?" I get this sense that they'll ask, "What? I didn't even notice that you had done anything different." Because that's just how my life works.

I'm going slightly batty. I want feedback on my query so I can just send it out and start trying to find an agent. But the people I've asked for feedback from haven't gotten back to me. Frowny face. In all honesty, I've got this knotted feeling in my gut about it all. I'm beginning to feel the same way I did five years ago after I had written the initial draft of Genesis; can I just fast forward to a few years from now when this is all over and pick up after the hard part?

The hard part is where the greatest growth happens. I have to keep telling myself that.

Happy adventuring my fellow warriors. Press on through whatever hurdles you find yourself facing. You're strong enough to endure the struggle.

Currently Writing: Zero Point One
Currently Listening to: "4am" by Kaskade