Light Up The Darkness

I've been thinking things over and over and over this week. Boston. Texas. Accidents. Attacks. Natural disasters. The world collapsing around us. It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to digest.

I'm not good at digesting these things. These situations are the times where I want to fix everything. I want to protect those who need protection and shield the eyes of the innocent. I want to cry with the mourning and defend the helpless. Despite myself, I want to seek retribution, I want to punch those responsible for the pain and suffering and haul them off to their jail cell.

Instead, I sit at home and try not to dwell on what's happened. Because I simply can't comprehend what's occurred. My mind freezes and my words get tangled up.

Thankfully, I don't need to remain frozen and I can begin to formulate words again. In spite of all the pain and suffering and unnecessary evil in the world, there's something that can be done. Actually, there's lots of somethings that can be done. Here's a small list of those things: laughter, joy, selflessness, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, redemption, patience, understanding, sacrifice.

There's still goodness in the world. Regardless of the darkness, light always breaks through. Have you ever noticed how darkness can't pierce the light? I'm serious - it can't. It's physically impossible for darkness to break through lightness. The light, however, can shatter the dark.

Here's another thing: when it's pitch black and you can's see a thing, ever notice how even the faintest of light - like a flickering candle - can brighten the entire place you're standing in?

Go into the darkest places and illuminate everything.

Be the light.

Pictures in my Head

I think if someone were to sit in my brain for even one hour as I listened to music, they would lock me up in a nice padded cell. That doesn't even take my facial expressions as I'm writing into account.

Not only am I prone to quite literally talking to myself as I write (it's how I do dialogue. I can't just imagine something in my head - I have to hear it spoken. It's how I like to make sure the wording is natural. aka, would someone actually say this?), but I glare, frown, grit my teeth at and roll my eyes at my computer screen when I write. Without really thinking it through, I wind up acting out the actions of the person I'm writing about.

There was this one time in my senior seminar class when I realized I was doing this very thing. In a classroom. Filled with other students. Other students that could see me. Now, they were all writers. In theory, they understand the stupidity of what I'm doing. That fact didn't stop me from looking around with wide eyes and then hunching closer to my computer, trying to hide. Just in case anyone noticed.

As though this isn't a big enough worry. I know I'm quite prone to fully engulfing my mind into a character or scene - especially when I'm: 1) alone, 2) listening to music and 3) in my car. So I'm sure there are times when someone drives past me on the highway and glances over to see me screaming or crying or laughing at absolutely nothing. At least, to them it's absolutely nothing. To me, it might be the death of a character and I'm mourning them.

To the outside observer though, I'm just plain nuts.

Sometimes I want to walk up to someone after I've wandered off to imaginary land and ask them, "What were you just thinking about me as I stared off into space?" I get this sense that they'll ask, "What? I didn't even notice that you had done anything different." Because that's just how my life works.

I'm going slightly batty. I want feedback on my query so I can just send it out and start trying to find an agent. But the people I've asked for feedback from haven't gotten back to me. Frowny face. In all honesty, I've got this knotted feeling in my gut about it all. I'm beginning to feel the same way I did five years ago after I had written the initial draft of Genesis; can I just fast forward to a few years from now when this is all over and pick up after the hard part?

The hard part is where the greatest growth happens. I have to keep telling myself that.

Happy adventuring my fellow warriors. Press on through whatever hurdles you find yourself facing. You're strong enough to endure the struggle.

Currently Writing: Zero Point One
Currently Listening to: "4am" by Kaskade

What Goes Unseen

Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk with friends about the things we struggle with. For years I've been embarrassed about the things that eat away at my mind and tempt my soul. The sins I suffer from most are ones people don't see - I have to tell them. In the past few months, I've come to the realization that yes, understanding that I sin and avoiding that temptation is a good thing, but hiding it in shame only proves that not only have I not come to terms with that struggle, but I haven't allowed myself to be forgiven of those sins.

So, I'm gonna tell you about it.

Hello, my name is Susan, and I suffer from the pretty severe temptation of lustful thoughts. This is to no fault of anyone but myself. These things aren't triggered because of anything anyone else does. In fact, it's all always my own stupid mind doing something, well, stupid. Since I'm a writer and have a myriad of characters running amuck in my brain, I utilize them to explore things I really shouldn't.

There's a specific reason why I have an antagonist that fights against the same thing. I know what it's like to have something haunt the mind over and over and over again. I'm incredibly visual and that only makes matters worse. It's a primary reason why I avoid certain movies and TV shows.

And no one knows this about me just by looking at me or interacting with me. At least, not to my knowledge.

Since this all happens in my head, there's no way anyone could possibly know what I go to battle against. This isn't something I always have to worry about. In fact, over the past couple years, I've become far better at keeping the thoughts completely and entirely at bay. Some days are significantly worse than others, as though I never made progress. But most days I go through my life with absolutely nothing attempting to rot my brain.

That's about it. I mean, I struggle with other things less significantly. Like envy (playing the comparison game!) and anger. Those two things pop up occasionally and normally attack me with a tidal wave. I never see it coming and I have to really fight to stay above water. Otherwise I drown into self-doubt (on the envy side), and absolute rage (on the anger side).

So that's a small glimpse into my personal struggles.

Hopefully this didn't completely deter you from reading any other posts. That wasn't my goal. My goal was to lead by example. I can't expect complete honesty from everyone around me unless I'm willing to be completely honest. So here I am, being completely honest.

Happy adventuring everyone. May your days always be epic.

Currently Writing: Zero Point One
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen

What a Way to Go

So in my last post, I briefly mentioned how I wanted to die. For those who missed it, here's the overview:

If I could have my way, I would want to die by sacrificing my life for someone else. Taking a bullet, pushing someone out of the way of a car/train/whatever, taking someone's place on a death march, whatever it may be. The goal would be to spare their life.

Not only have I thought this through rather deeply, but I've also decided that I would do this for anyone. At least, I would try to. I can't boast to any extreme what my actions may or may not be, seeing as I've never been in a situation similar to this, but I like to think that I would offer my life for anyone - even a stranger. That's my hope anyway.

I suppose this is bizarre.

I've never thought it was so odd to actually want to offer your life for someone else. I mean, seriously, if I could die on my own terms, I'd in all honesty want to die for someone I didn't even like. If that makes me sound crazy, then I guess I'm crazy. *Disclaimer, I actually think about this stuff. Like, on a regular basis.*

I think about my favorite characters, whether in movies or TV shows or books, and most of them share a similar trait: selflessness. Once again, I'm not trying to say that I think I'm selfless. In fact, I'm brutally aware of when I'm being the very opposite of that. But nonetheless, here's a few examples: Daniel Jackson from Stargate SG-1 (sacrificed himself for the lives of a bunch of people that didn't even like him very much), Gandalf (willingly let himself become fully separated and had no intention of returning to the Fellowship to spare their lives and fight the Balrog), Aslan (offers his life for Edmund - a traitor), and Captain America (most notably seen in the movie when he throws himself onto what he thinks is a live grenade in order to shelter everyone around him from the expected blast - without even blinking!).

Obviously, I've just shown the nerd in me.

Regardless of that fact, I still really admire this trait in each of these characters. I try to emulate selflessness and sacrifice in everything I do. Not because I want people to sit back and say, "Oh wow, she's so selfless." That's all fine and good, but I don't care what you think about me. I'm more concerned with where that thought goes. Preferably? I want your next thought to be, "I wonder why that is," or better yet, "I should ask her why she does that."

All of this to say, I want to die by saving someone. Maybe I'll donate my whole body to whomever needs it. 'Cause I sure won't be needing my body after I'm dead.

This was a strange post.

Adventure well everyone! It went from 50 degrees to 85 in the span of like, three days here in PA. My arms are jelly from so much archery.

Currently Writing: Zero Point One
Currently Listening to: "Language" by Porter Robinson

Sacrifice

Today was the first Sunday of the month. Communion. Another ten minute reminder of the pain, suffering and ultimate destruction of Jesus on the cross as he died for our sins. As I sat in church, thinking over that selfless sacrifice, I began to think on that word.

Sacrifice.

I think everyone knows what the word means. Most people equate it to something that's lost or given up in return for something else - normally something of value. In war, sacrifices are made to ensure victory. Parents make sacrifices (time, energy, money), for their kids. Friends make sacrifices for friends. The act of laying down one's own desires or dreams or goals and instead, allowing those to be set aside or even forgotten for the good of someone or something else.

I then began to think over something I plan to delve into a little deeper sometime, and that's how I want to die. Sounds morbid, but stay with me. In a perfect world (ironic?), I would want to die saving someone's life. I'd want to take a bullet for someone, or push someone out of the way of a careening truck, or take their place in a death march. I don't know how exactly, I just know I'd like to go that way.

I'll dig into that some other time. For now, I'll just leave it at that and say that's how I want to die - laying my life down so someone else can live.

I think that's something that people almost immediately think of when the word "sacrifice" is mentioned. When a teacher sacrifices their life for their students when a crazed murderer rampages a school. When a boyfriend or husband protects their girlfriend/wife from stray bullets in a similar situation (like the incident last summer at the Dark Knight Rises movie). It's called a sacrificial death.

Ever wonder where that deep, intimate, loving action came from?

Well, it's a part of this love story, and it starts like this: "In the beginning..."