Sometimes I Want to Punch Past Me

I don't talk well.

Unless I'm super comfortable with someone, I just don't communicate my opinions, beliefs and views very well. I can communicate - don't get me wrong. I'm stellar at telling people the facts about things. But the moment I need to stand up for myself, my beliefs, my thoughts, my actions, whatever, I flounder and sputter and for some reason, my mind goes absolutely blank.

This is a primary reason why I'm perfectly content listening and not talking. Especially to good talkers. People that are excellent at always conveying how they think, feel or whatever captivate me. It's as though I think that by listening to them constantly I'll somehow learn how to do what they do. But regardless of it all, I somehow lose all semblance of intelligence during these situations of deep conversations about, well, anything.

My mind sort of goes white and the slew of thoughts I always have fade into obscurity when I try to recall capable opinions. I find myself saying "um", "uh" and "well", a lot. Conviction is not something I'm good at speaking with. It's in my arsenal - I know it is. I can do it when I'm with someone I'm comfortable with. I have spoken on a number of occasions with friends & family members with such conviction that I've made them rethink their views on things.

But most times, I just wind up faltering. Inevitably, I hate past me for being so incoherent. Why couldn't I have just said this instead of that? Why did I keep trying? What was my goal in saying that? Seriously, that was the best I could come up with? Why am I having better answers to so-and-so's questions now then I did when we were actually talking?

This frustration causes not only a great deal of stress on my life, but it also makes me feel really regretful. I know that I haven't done the person I was talking to justice at all and I wind up feeling inadequate. I know I'm intelligent (sometimes). But when these situations arise, I find myself feeling like a frightened child that doesn't know right from wrong or up from down. What's two plus two? I feel like I can't even answer that question when I'm put in these situations.

Then whomever I'm talking to thinks I get mad at them, when I just get mad at myself. 'Cause I can't talk well.

How do you prepare yourself at all times to be ready for these sorts of things, regardless of who you're talking to or where? Is it possible to become more steadfast in that ability? Or are some people just unable to do what I find so incredibly awesome - speak with conviction about everything you believe in. Why can't that just be in my skill set?

...

Wow, this was a whole lot more ranty than I had intended.

In other news, Camp Nano was completed by the skin of my teeth and I'm not happy with any of it, but I got another 50k words written. That means something, right?

Hope your adventures have been less harrowing than my own! I kind of want to redo this past week.

Currently Listening to: "A Thousand Years" The Piano Guys cover