Okay, so. Life. Yeah, about that. So, I've been at Houghton approximately two months. Give or take a week. And, as weird as it sounds, I feel like I've known the people that have come to inhabit my life in these past two months a whole lot longer than the said time frame. I feel as though I've known them for...years. Or my whole life. It feels bizarre to think of it that way, but I do.
What brings it out? I dunno. I just live here.
But what's attracting me more is the fact that I'm actually growing. Not just mentally or physically, but spiritually. I haven't felt this...alive...in years. I look around a room and I feel God. Last night/this morning Kara and I were in the mood for a late night walk and wound up down by the track field. And God was gracious enough to turn out the lights so I could look up at the stars and have my breath taken away.
A sense of peace - real peace - filled me and I just said, to no one in particular, "Oh God, can I fly up there some day?" Kara answered my rhetorical question, but I don't remember what she said. All I remember is laughing and letting tears fill my eyes at the pure beauty of the night sky. I very well may have seen the stars like that before, but I don't remember it. I could see stars - millions of them - and multiple constellations. It was cold, and the air was chilling to breathe, but I felt so awake and completely in that God spot.
I didn't see any shooting stars, but I felt God. And that's what I needed. I needed to feel him alive in me and not just words on a page.
I've decided that I'm going to have to live somewhere like here - not necessarily here in Houghton or in New York - but somewhere where, on any given clear night, I can walk out onto my porch and look up, and see the stars. I get lost in them, and find in myself the peace of my soul I need. And I'm so thankful for that half hour of wandering around the track dwelling in God's grace and His peace.
I know I haven't reached the peak of my spiritual being yet, because I feel Him often - more than I knew possible - but I don't feel Him all the time. And until I learn that, I can't be the effective tool for the world He wants me to be. I'll get there, I know I will, and I'm content to travel along that path with Him as my guide.
And my future? I'm content, almost happy, at the ability to say, "Here ya go!" and hand it over to Him. In fact, just today, I was feeling His spirit compel me to open up to one of my floormates about my dreams - some of which I've never told anyone about. And it felt good to say, out loud, the things of my heart. Even if they're trivial. It was awesome to hear myself say what I had longed to say for years. I couldn't help but smile as I was speaking, because I could say it, and I knew she was listening.
What a feeling! It's so foreign to me, to speak and be heard. I've felt through so much of my life as though I speak and no one hears me, but all this time I've discovered that He's always been listening and waiting to let me be heard by other people at the right moments.
*Sigh* I could keep going, but for now, I am getting ready to commit to sleep. And I need to go scrub a drawing of a zombie platapus off my arm.
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