So, I spoke to my parents tonight, and the conversation was good. I laughed with them, and I made them laugh, which is good to know that I'm still capable of doing such things. They're glad to know that I'm enjoying school so much and glad to know that Houghton was a good fit, as they thought it would be.
My mom leaves for a few minutes and I'm talking with my dad, which is cool. I'm happy to talk with my dad. But then, I'm sitting there talking, and I mention that my friend already has a boyfriend. About two minutes later, I completely regretted saying anything.
It's bad enough that I don't have a boyfriend. It's bad enough that I'm 21 and haven't experienced half the things I would like to say I've experienced. It's bad enough that I'm terrified of trusting anyone with my heart that I can't even look at guys because I'm afraid that they'll just turn around a laugh that a girl like me was looking at a guy like him.
And then my dad starts talking about it. He begins by trying to sound encouraging, wondering if I'd found any guys I was interested in and if so, what I was doing about it. I told him that I hadn't, and that I really wasn't looking. I'm trying - really trying - to just let that be God's thing. Because I failed so miserably last time, and it's obvious He's the only one who will help me find 'that guy', if there even is one for me.
And then it turned into something where it's my fault. My father, for all his loving ignorance, says, "You know, it is okay for the girl to ask the guy in today's society."
My heart just about broke.
That's all well and good father, but that's not me. Okay? It never has been. I want a guy that will be willing to take that chance. I know it's a vast long shot. That anyone would think that it's worth taking a chance on me. I'm the most average person on the planet. I'm not pretty enough to be popular, but I'm not ugly enough to be ignored. Instead, I just float around, wondering if anyone will ever think about the average looking girl alone the corner.
It's bad enough that my next door floormates all either have romantic interests on campus, or a boyfriend, and my room mate has a romantic interest. My other friends from across the hall all have boyfriends or husbands, or blatantly express a disinterest in men at the moment.
And meanwhile, I'm still sitting here. I can't do this! I can't just walk on up to someone I don't even know and be like, "Hi, wanna go date me?" First off, it screams rejection, and second, why would anyone even remotely attractive want to look at me, let alone date me? I'm screwed up to the core, and I'm so insecure that I don't even know what I'm good at. I second guess every action I make and bury myself in fantasy to escape the reality I hate.
I need a Tyron right now. I just need someone to tell me it's okay and wrap me in their arms and just hold me until it's over. I envy my main character. I want to be her, that's why I can't help but write about her.
That tightness in the chest. It's been growing ever since the last of the girls on the floor told me about the boy she's now attracted to. It shoves me out of the club that everyone on the inside knows the language and the feeling and can sit there and giggle about how they feel, which makes me want to scream in envy. Why can't I be that lucky? To just go for a walk and stumble upon someone that's nice and sincere and cute?
Do I have the bravery to post this? Do I dare to see if anyone reads it, let alone comments? Do I?
Of course I do. Because no one will read it.
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