Battle Writing, Part II

So I'm onto the major battle of my fourth book (woohoo!). Once again, I find myself having made my life difficult. Sometimes I wonder if I've done all of this solely because I want to make myself work harder than might be necessary. Then at other times I assume that I'm actually smart and this is merely something random that happens along the way.

Anyway, so I'm working on, really, the only battle of the fourth book. It might be only one battle, but it'll encompass at least four chapters (possibly more upon revision). So I'm writing it and I'm discovering things along the way, which I'm always open to. Especially because my ability to understand the time of events has always been so clumped that pretty well everything from book 2 on I just said, "And then stuff happens!" So I'm glad for the chance to actually get it all figured out. Or at least, kind of figured out. But a part of me doesn't want to finish this battle.

Have you ever been afraid of the dark?

I mean, most kids are afraid of darkness at some point. Then one day we grow up and say, "Monsters aren't real," and get over our 'irrational' fear of the dark and nighttime. That's great. I'm not afraid of the dark to a degree. If I haven't seen a scary movie trailer or been dabbling in sin recently, then darkness is pretty much harmless to me.

Now how about the darkness within yourself?

I'm terrified of that. Absolutely terrified. I know once the battle is over, I'm going to have to delve into the darker sides of my brain to write the scenes necessary for the story. I know this is coming. I even have a playlist on my iPod all ready to go. I don't want to listen to the music though. I don't want to write those scenes. I don't want to get into my antagonist's head right now. Sometimes he's fun to write, but I know he won't be fun to write in these upcoming scenes.

For me, personally, he poses such a temptation to just say, "Well, I have to write it for the character," and easily can then find myself slipping into the temptation to sin. And my biggest stumbling block is my own mind. It's no one else's doing but my own when I stumble and fall into sin, because the biggest sins I struggle with are those dealing almost entirely with the mind.

Heh, and here I thought writing would be a good thing.

So I'm afraid of the darkness within my own being. The darkness within my own mind. But I know I need to get past that and get to the end of the book. I can't just sit back and say, "I'm not ready to do that yet," forever. Eventually I need to write it. At least, I need to if I ever want to finish this series. Which, naturally I do.

Such a strange conundrum this is. Maybe when I get to that point in the story, if I pray hard enough and be sincere enough, this won't be as detrimental to me as I fear it will be. At least, that's my hope.

For those who are interested, here's a picture of what all I have open on my computer for this battle scene:

Currently writing: Unseen
Currently Reading: On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner
Currently Listening to: "503" from the Angels and Demons soundtrack

The Continued Adventures...

Of the writing life!
At least the writing life of a fantasy writer. I'm beginning to embark on the journey of my fourth book! Woohoo! Always a fun thing; starting on a new book. If I'm successful in writing this by the time I graduate, I'll have written 3 books in a year and rewritten my first one and written a novella! I like to think that's pretty dang good.
That's still to be determined of course. It's likely that everything I've written is in dire need of editing. In fact, that's incredibly likely. But enough about that. Editing is most of the work of the writer.
One of the most difficult things I've had to come to terms with is the unknown elements of a book. It's been a little while since I was planning out a book and didn't know mostly what was going on. My fourth book isn't the one I'm talking about. For the most part, my fourth book is pretty well figured out. Naturally, when I actually start writing it, that might not be the case.
I started a timeline to see where I was in my characters lives since the beginning of the series. It's an important thing to do. Since I'm not a fan of just sitting around forever for kicks and giggles, I tend to plow straight forward without looking back until I'm knee deep in water. But I realized that I was having a lot happen quickly. Which I like. I'm not complaining in the slightest, because it makes sense to me to have this all happen so quickly.
To an audience...well, I haven't gotten any bad reviews yet about the timing and pacing.
Anyway, I started writing into my fifth and final book of the series and hit a huge gap. What's going on in that book entirely? I don't really know. I know lots of stuff that will happen in the book. I know how the series is ending, I know how the last book is beginning. I know what's happening in it, I just don't know the order or the details to a minute level.
Then again, I never know the details to a minute level. In fact, I sort of BS my way through the whole thing and somehow come out with something coherent. I don't know how, I just seem to. It's times like these where I wonder if I actually know what I'm doing. What do I realize I'm getting myself into? Because this lake just keeps getting deeper.
I'm waiting as patiently as I can on timing for publishing my books. However, I'm having trouble. I can't seem to find an agent to back me (which is worrisome), and I don't dare to publish traditionally without an agent. Perhaps I'm not presenting the series in a good enough light. Maybe I'm not presenting myself in a good enough light. I don't know how to change that. Writing a query letter wasn't something Houghton offered in classes. I wish they did. If it were up to me, it would have been part of my senior seminar project; learn how to write a great query letter.
Instead I was taught how to write short stories a million times over. It was helpful, but now that I'm trying to do something with my books, I don't know what to do. And it seems just downright silly to buy a book about selling a book. It seems silly, but it probably isn't. The downside is, that requires money, which I don't have.
*Sigh* I keep trying to remain positive. Someday this will work out. It's just taking a little longer and is a little harder than I had thought. It'll all be okay. Just keep breathing and keep fighting. Eventually this will work out.
Currently Writing: Alaster
Currently Reading: The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: "This Man" by Jeremy Camp

Gosh This is Hard

You know, as a child I always thought writing was something old people did. No one could actually do it in today's world and anyone that did got lucky and never really had the chance to live off of their struggles. Then one day, I was told that wasn't the case. Then we had people like J.K. Rowling and Stephanie Meyer show up and I realized, hey, if they could do it, why not me?
And now at 23, I realize my child-self was right.
Publishing isn't just hard, it's like, super-impossible. I'm exaggerating of course. However a bit of me isn't. I've been searching for an agent to back my book series and perhaps help me get published. And you know what? As a new writer, NO ONE WANTS ME.
That's also a bit of an exaggeration. There are some people out there looking for new writers, and naturally I will be seeking them out with a video of me crying saying, "Please, please, please take me on! I promise I'm good!" But most agencies, both Christian and secular, don't want new writers.
I understand why. From a business standpoint, we're a major risk. All it takes is a little misplaced faith and BOOM, you're an agent or editor with a crappy book that no one wants to buy and a writer you've got to pay whining that it wasn't their fault.
But then what about those of us that are good? Now, I'm not saying I'm great. I'm not even comfortable saying that I'm good. But I've been told enough times by a wide variety of people that I am a talented writer that it seems a little silly to ignore them. Especially when among those people are friends who wouldn't really care if they hurt my feelings in the process of telling me the truth. Because to my friends, telling the truth and hurting someone is better than lying and snickering behind their back.
All of this to say that I might have to self-publish.
Now, that wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm aware of that fact. However, it really wasn't my first choice. I really would prefer to actually learn the publication process. But hey, for all I know that's the way I need to go.
For some reason though, that road seems so much harder. Self-publishing means doing all the work myself and me paying out before even a hint of revenue comes in. Granted, if it worked well, then all of the profit would come to me (at least most of it would, I think). However if it didn't work well, I'd be up the creek without a paddle.
It's a little discouraging really. I know that the traditional publication process can take up to a year and a half. By then the fantasy thing might be old news. It might not be, but all it would take would be some new fad to come along and suddenly everyone but die-hard fans would hate fantasy stuff. And where would that leave my novels? High and dry that's where.
So what do I do? Struggle along and hope I'm going in the right path? Or take a plunge and a leap of faith and self-publish?
Sometimes I wish for neon signs. And other times, I'm so incredibly glad I don't get them. This is one of the times I wish I got them.
Currently Editing: End Game: Genesis (Chapter 24)
Currently Writing: Alaster
Currently Reading: Eragon by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Alive" by Superchic[k]