Purpose

As it may have been noticed, for the past few posts, I haven't been adding my usual "Currently" tabs. Mostly because as of late, I haven't had anything change in those categories. My music constantly changes depending on the time of day, my mood, and all around randomness on my iPod. As for my reading and writing habits...

Those have been non-existent.

My writing being absent in my life is strange for me. I got so used to having ideas flowing freely from my mind, to my fingers, to the keyboard, to the screen, that I don't know what to do with myself when I have lethargy. Which is precisely what I've had these past few weeks. First I just chalked it up to no time - which was kind of true. I was rather busy at the end of December and for the first two weeks of January.

Now though, I face a week with no potential for excuses. And as I sat visiting a friend this past weekend, I tried to work through why I hadn't been able to jump back into the writing game. After last year's epic writing adventure, you'd think I could just fly through whatever else I wanted to write, right?

On many fronts, yeah, I should be capable of rewriting the thread of End Game to neater drafts. However, I stalled. I wanted to explore the histories of the world I had created to ensure that the end made sense with the real beginning. So I dabbled in the histories. Then I got confused and super depressed with the mountain that sat in front of me and I lost my gusto.

Anyway, I was super confused as to what the cause of my major lethargy was. Part of it was anxiety and another part of it was simply me being me. I tend to stand still when I reach a crossroads. Especially when both paths will take lots of time and attention. Juggling them both ends with both failing, so I have to choose one. I always struggle with what the "right" path is.

It wasn't until later in the evening that I watched a short video one of my coworkers shared with me. In it, Alan Watts posits the question of, "What would you do if money wasn't a problem?" Literally, as the question was being asked, I thought, "I'm already doing it."

I had to rewatch the video.

Because for the rest of the four minutes, I was having a private conversation with myself. I wasn't actually doing what I wanted - writing. I had been doing what I wanted, but then I stopped and I allowed myself to stay stopped. I allowed myself to sit at my computer and dawdle on YouTube for hours on end or talk with friends & family rather than attempt - even attempt - to write. Even after my friends and family went to bed, I would just sit on my computer, staring at Facebook, as though that would somehow answer my lethargy for me.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I knew what this week had to be about. It's always difficult for me to take the first steps. So here I am, taking the first steps.

This week, when the world tells me, "No," I'm responding, "Yes. Because God said so."

Take that world.

Currently Writing: Nothing. But tomorrow, I will be editing Genesis.
Currently Listening to: THIS.

The Title Eludes Me

It's gonna be one of those weeks.

One of my coworkers won't be in this week, due to his father relapsing hard core on his cancer. Things apparently aren't looking very good and so my coworker will be spending as much time with his family as possible, rather than at work. I feel really bad knowing that there is little I can do aside from pray.

I'm an awful person. Because at the same time, I know that this week is pretty much shot. Someone's gotta pick up his shifts. Those someones are myself and my fellow Copy Center Associate. If I wind up working all 7 days this week (which really isn't the end of the world), I'll be clocking in around 49 hours of work.

49 hours.

I haven't done a work week near 50 hours since the beginning of my second year at Staples. On one hand it's great - more money to put into my student loans. On the other hand, I kind of want to crawl into a hole and die. If I'm remembering correctly, weeks like this made me hate Staples. Simply because I couldn't get away.

Worse though, is the fact that I literally have no motivation. Here I am, sitting with at least two hours of prime writing time, and I can't dredge up the gusto to even skim through Unity. In spite of the fact that I was only just on vacation a week ago, I feel drained. How does this happen so quickly?

A large part of me wants to kick myself and say, "Stop it! Just get back on the bandwagon and move forward!" Another part of me wants to just say, "Screw it. I wrote 5 books and a novella in one year. Time to take a breather!"

The larger part of me doesn't want to take a breather. There's so much story to explore! There are so many avenues and characters and aspects of this world that have yet to fully be brought to light. I can't just sit idly by and do nothing. Especially when I obviously have the time.

I gotta crack my back, take a deep breath, grab my coffee mug and explore my imagination again. There's bound to be something buried in there that'll shock me back into the flame of story writing.

Happy adventuring everyone! I hope you're not as lethargic as I am.

Currently Writing: I should really, really, REALLY do Zero Point. Maybe I'll start that tonight.
Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Once Upon a December" from the Anastasia soundtrack