Why am I Doing This?

I really don't know.

Just sort of musing out loud here. Nothing really meant to inspire. Although that'd be my luck to have it be the one post I never intend for anyone to read is the one that actually gets me some attention on this blog.

When I started this blog I did it just to be...loud. I don't know.I think I thought I would be lucky and lots of people would read it and I'd be one of those people that someone would go, "Wow! That's so cool! I want to do something like that!" Instead, I'm off in some dusty corner of the internet where I'm fairly certain no one reads anything.

My page views are practically in the negatives. I have one follower and she doesn't use her blog anymore. Ever.

So then why do I still try? Why don't I just delete this blog? Why do I keep updating? What am I hoping to accomplish? The answers to all of these are simply this: I have no idea.

I think I keep hoping for something miraculous to happen and I'll be noticed. Sadly though, it appears as though I tend to fade into the background everywhere I go. Whether reality, story, or even on the internet. I'm someone that seems to get forgotten.I get dusted into a corner and I'm that one pile of dust that you forget after a whole day of cleaning. It isn't till three months later that you realize you've got this pile in the corner and you're frustrated it's still there. But you ultimately do nothing about it.

This isn't meant to be anything like I'm seeking attention. Then again, everyone says that. I just wanted to think aloud. And the best way I do that at all hours is to write. My journal is packed into a box for Easter break and I have no desire to unpack everything just to find one small book only to put it all back again. That and...I can't remember which box it's in. So yeah, here I am, musing on the lost corner of the internet.

Anyway. I think I keep writing on this because I'm hopeful. I don't really know what for exactly. It might be the hope that when I'm published one day maybe my fans will find this blog and actually enjoy what's here. Or maybe it'll be like everything else. I'll just stay here. A dormant candle, flickering forever but never bursting forth like the fireworks.

And for some reason, this tiny candle aspires to be a firework. But I'm not even a trick candle. I just sit there and burn steadily. I can't do anything else. My skills are too limited. So how does something with no skills to become a firework turn into one?

*Shrugs* I dunno. This is life. It's an adventure and no one said it would be easy. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I can and keep trying. In theory one day all the attempts will amount to something actually reaching fulfillment.

Currently Writing: Unseen
Currently Reading: On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner
Currently Listening to: "Rainbow Connection" by The Muppets