The Land of Me

So as Christmas nears, I find myself asking a question of my own character. What is this holiday about? As I hear customer after customer wish a "happy holidays", I want to return with a "Merry Christmas". Billboard after billboard and ad after ad are pushing the 'me-centric' mentality. Get what you want. It's all about the getting, not the giving.

I know I'm pretty alone on this, but my love language is gifts - tied with quality time. Anyway, because of this, giving stuff is one of my absolute favorite things to do. If it were up to me, I'd give away everything that I have to other people. I'm all about seeing faces light up at the prospect of something fun or new. I love seeing the reaction people have when unexpectedly, they're handed something they didn't expect.

Have you ever just given a homeless person dinner? Have you ever handed a twenty to someone you would never get it back from? How about those countless times you've been at a register and the cashier asks, "Would you like to donate to [insert charity here]"? What about when you've seen someone struggling, and rather than pity them, you helped them?

Y'know, Christmas used to be the time when everyone was nicer to their fellow man. People smiled more frequently, laughed more freely, and there was goodness in the air. It didn't have to be snowing to inspire wonder or awe in the hearts of everyone. Things didn't have to appear magical, because everyone was acting a little more like we should be.

And now what's it about? Me, me, me, me, me. What can I get? What did so-and-so get for me? I sure hope whats-their-name got me x because I really want it.

Maybe this is why it hasn't felt like Christmas yet this year. Maybe it's because we've lost the meaning of Christmas. Worst part is, the meaning is at the beginning of the word. How are we this blind?

Sometimes, I really wish I could be heard. If only for the hope that behind my words there might be truth, and that in that truth, there might be some freedom.

Merry Christmas everyone. And happy adventuring this Christmas season.

Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Misty Mountains" from The Hobbit

P.S. - The Hobbit? Yeah. Definitely disappointed.

Reality

Back to the grind.

Today was actually a rather entertaining return to the norm. Upon walking in the door at work, I was practically bombarded by coworkers enthusiastically asking how my weekend in New York went. With smiles and laughter, they offered such overwhelming good spirits that despite my indifference to how things went, I couldn't help but smile.

I've got an army of good friends at work that have encouraged me ten-fold by their reaction today. The fact that they engaged in what I had done and were actually interested in it made me feel...I dunno. Whole, I guess. I struggle with the fear of becoming forgotten. After a day like today, I realize that I wasn't forgotten during my four day hiatus from what I normally do.

Although, I have to wonder. Does everyone that hasn't written a novel think this of a writer: "I can't wait to tell everyone I know a famous author!"

Not even kidding. I don't know how many times I heard that today. Each time I tried to quell their jocular energy, only to be met with wider grins. *Shrug* I guess that to some people, what I do is pretty awesome.

I can't lie either. I think what I do is pretty awesome.

Hope your adventures are always happy!

Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "Christmas Card" by Stephen Curtis Chapman

Day 3

Today I pitched to two editors. Yesterday, I pitched one.

They all want the first 50 pages of my book.

Not only did I discover that I'm the youngest person at this conference, but I'm also only one of two that has had all three editors request a part of our manuscript. The guy in charge of our group thinks my book is highly sellable after I gave him a little more information regarding the series and was able to - thank God for this! - keep Tilion.

Aside from some name changes that I'm kind of okay with, everything is the same. My characters are all in place, the setting is fine, and best of all, I haven't had to bastardize my story for the sake of the greedy market. (Yes, I did just say 'bastardize'. No, it isn't a curse. It's a proper use of the word in its definition.) Although I'm sure to get some push-back on my established back story - because it's Biblical - I think that I'll be able to spin it well enough that if and when my book is published through one of these houses, they won't scream and run and hide.

That's my hope anyway.

So this conference has been highly helpful for me. Not only has it validated that my book is highly marketable, but it also has given me a solid pitch, more confidence in the writing world, and best of all, I now have absolute faith in God that He's working in me the way He needs. Despite my occasional kicking and screaming.

To all my fellow aspiring writers, I would recommend you take the opportunities you have to branch out and stretch yourself. I know it isn't easy. I nearly got sick the first day because of my nerves. But, once you survive it (and you will), you will be wiser, stronger and far more confident and prepared for the task you have placed in front of you.

You have only begun your journey.

Happy adventuring :)

Currently Writing: Nada. The plan? After New Years, I attack Genesis and ensure it's battle ready and then I send it off to agents. 'Cause saying in your query that you've already got houses biting for it will make me a shining coin among world beaten pennies.

Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini

Currently Listening to: "We Three Kings" by Stephen Curtis Chapman

Day 1

Well, today I not only managed to navigate New York City, but I also made it to the conference with a half hour to spare, didn't have to eat lunch alone (making friends is good!), made it onto the correct train to get me back to my Uncle and Aunt's house safely, and did not explode from nerves as I pitched my book to my fellow workshoppers.

That's where the good news ends.

Today was all about laying out ground work for our pitches. Basically, we sat in a room, read our pitches one at a time and our group leader (a seasoned veteran of the publishing world), tried to help us craft it in the best possible way to make the pitch - and therefore the book - its most sellable. A lot of what he said was good to learn and even better to have validated.

However, he basically wants me to completely write a different story than what I've got. He thinks the concept of having another world in the mix is too confusing, he wants my character to not be a teenager, and he wants it somewhere exotic. Not America.

None of those changes sit right with me.

Is that stubbornness? I don't think so. I guess since I think God gave me this story, it doesn't make any sense to completely obliterate the story and tell something completely different. I mean, if I get rid of Tilion, everything I love about the story and the characters pretty much is thrown out the window. I can't have Grovix that way and I can't do any of the things I already have written out. That's not the end of the world, but we're talking about an entirely different story. A story that, to me, isn't End Game.

I might just be one of those authors that refuses to make changes. But, at the same time, nothing about those changes sit right with me. Also, I'm not in this business to make money. I get that my book is a hard sell. A lot happens in it and I require an intelligent audience. I require an audience of inquiring minds and curious intellect.

Basically, I don't know what to do. And I imagine that despite my exhaustion, I'm not going to be getting much sleep tonight.

Don't hold your breath people. This ride is gonna be a long one.

Currently Reading: Brisinger by Christopher Paolini
Currently Listening to: "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman

Up Next

Tonight was quiet at work. It was a nice change of pace after the past six days of non-stop running every moment I've been there. In the long lulls of nothing going on, I started mulling over what I was going to write next.

Naturally, this next writing adventure won't happen until after the new year. December is normally too busy, and this year I've got boatloads going on that I wasn't anticipating originally. I decided to start thinking about the offshoot stories I planned to eventually write, called The Human-Born Chronicles. I already wrote one (what was supposed to be my only piece for senior sem), but I'd really like the opportunity to write the other five remaining ones.

So, after I finish Arthur (which will definitely be happening!), I'm gonna start tearing into at least some of the HBCs (my affectionate nickname).

Yeah. I really want to beat my nearly 600,000 word total from last year.

Currently Writing: Nothing at the moment. Give me a few weeks.
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)" by Chris Tomlin

Time

The past two days of work have been draining. Not simply because I've stayed almost an hour over my scheduled time both days, but also it's been crazy busy. It also doesn't help that yesterday I cut a near perfect circle into my thumb by trying to use our grommet thingy (that's a perfectly acceptable descriptive word). Do you know how often you use your thumb? Pretty much for everything. Writing, reading, using your phone/iPod, eating, picking things up. The list goes on and on. However, it did give me a great excuse to buy fancy band-aids.

Now, for the purpose of this post.

Y'know what's a crazy conception? Time. We talk about it every day. How it crawls, how it flies. How it cheats us, robs us, lies to us, gives us an extra hour, takes away an hour, adds up. The many things that 'time' does can grow to infinity.

Well, personally, I think time is useless.

Sure, it helps us organize our lives. You know what it also does? It drives us mad. Everything is done by a clock. How fast can you get something done? How quickly can you get from point a to point b? How swiftly can you perform a task before the time runs out? Runs out for what? What, exactly, are we chasing? What do we gain from constantly checking our watches, our phones, our computer clocks?

Now there are logical things people will combat for time's necessity. It helps us mark the sunrise, the sunset. The end of one day as it bleeds into another. When to do something, when to eat, when to sleep. When to work, when to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Who, exactly, set these standards of when the right 'time' is to get these things done? For the most part, we eat when we're hungry. We sleep when we're tried. We move when we're antsy. We breathe when our body says to. Time, this great villain of our lives, doesn't hold us as fast as we seem to think it does.

So why do we let it?

I'm asked why I love the country. Because there isn't as much of a mad dash for a clock to always be glanced at. The world moves and the wind rolls and there's a peaceful movement. A natural movement. I never feel frazzled or rushed when I'm in the middle of nowhere, lying on my back, gazing at the stars. Why is that?

Because for a few moments, I let time be forgotten, and I appreciate the beauty of true infinity.

Currently Writing: Genesis pitch
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "We Three Kings" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Random Aside

I forgot how much I really don't like Ted Dekker outside of the thriller genre.

Yesterday I picked up Green and began to read it. In the first chapter, I nearly groaned out loud. It's not that he's not a good writer. It's just, I don't know. I guess I don't like his allegory. It actually makes me feel off-set and not at all comfortable. Narnia, the Grey Havens - they left me with the feeling of protection/perfection/peace. Dekker's allegory always 1) bored me to tears 'cause the plot twists were neon lights you saw 18 miles out (or in my case, 1/2 a book into the 3 book series), and 2) seems like it should be heartwarming but is really just kinda...weird.

I dunno. I may be singing a different tune when I officially finish Green. It also kinda bothered me that literally in the first paragraph of the introductory page he basically compared himself to Tolkien and Lewis. Like I said: their allegory I love. His, not so much.

But goodness, I loved Three and Adam. They were terrifying, but wonderfully written and portrayed. Those were twists I didn't see coming. Personally, I think he should stick to the thriller realm and leave allegory to others (not me, just others. I'll write a post about my feelings on allegory some other time).

In other news, I've about a week left till the conference. Only two days left until the holiday shop to promote my book, and only a few weeks until Christmas. The next few weeks are kind of like a snowball falling down a hill. Soon it'll be me stumbling over myself in an attempt to not fall smack into the concrete.

Happy adventuring everyone!

Currently Writing: I'm teetering between Arthur and the new story. I think I'll be veering a hard left and shooting for Arthur. 'Cause I really want to get to Thor.
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "What Child is This?" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Communion

It's just grape juice and a cracker, right?

Sure, if you're only looking at it as it appears. In truth, it's far more than that. Communion isn't supposed to be something we just do because it's always done. The idea behind communion is to remind our forgetful selves of the selfless act Christ was born to commit.

I wear this ring on my right ring finger. It says "Passion" on it, because I try to remind myself that I live for a greater purpose. That God's love abounds in my life and that I live to further His Kingdom. Yet, even with that reminder slapped to my hand, I forget exactly what it is that Jesus did. Not only did he accept the punishment of death, but he endured the torture that came well before death finally greeted him.

Worse still, he experienced separation from God. For however long that lasted, I don't know, but he endured it. He looked death square in the face - and with some fear too (I mean, look at his prayer in the Garden the night of his arrest) - and triumphed. The sad thing is, God even knew we'd need the reminder of communion thousands of years ago. Despite Jesus' amazing triumph, we need something to tell us to remember what he did. What he accomplished.

Because he did accomplish something that day. He created a way for us to experience his Father's love in a way never known before. Even greater than that, we're given a purpose. I can't imagine living life without something guiding it. That something is the Spirit. And yet I need a reminder of Christ's sacrifice?

How absurd. How Human.

In months (and years), past, I've always approached communion in this sort of "Okay, get right with God" thing. It was the day I wasn't allowed to get angry or frustrated. I just needed to get myself in line and once again, grovel before my Heavenly Father for forgiveness. And recognizing sinfulness is a good thing, I'm not saying it isn't. I'm just saying it's not necessarily what's at the root of communion.

I think I've been wrong about that. I mean, maybe I haven't. I don't know. This is probably one of those things I'll realize I still got wrong a few years down the road. But I think communion's supposed to be about remembering Christ's atoning sacrifice more than anything else. I mean, he even says in Luke 22:19, "Do this to remember me."

Why is that so hard to do all the time?

Currently Listening to: "Idumea" by the Millikin University Choir

Hodgepodge

That's my life at the moment. Or so it feels.

As you can tell by the lovely little counter to the left of this post, I finished NaNoWriMo. With two days to spare, I finished the final chapter to Unity and began, almost immediately, trying to plan a cover. Not because it's ready for publication - simply because it's immensely cheaper to get the book printed through Createspace and then use that to edit vs. anywhere else.

Reflecting back on this month is kind of difficult. It feels like a blur. This whole past six months have felt like a blur. I mean, graduation happened and then BAM, reality. And then I fell into this sort of rhythm of life. I get up, go to work, I go home, I write. Occasionally in there, I get the chance to see some friends, though that's difficult.

So to only look back on November is kind of like asking me to look back at last week. I can barely remember what I ate yesterday, let alone what's transpired over the past month. All I know is that every night (or nearly every night), I sat at my computer and hammered against a keyboard, trying to bring still images in my head to life via words on a screen.

In spite of my efforts though, I think I've let myself down. Sure, I rewrote Unity in record time - 28 days. But at what cost? Quite a bit, I'm afraid. Even as I sit here writing this blog, I know I missed some things, forgot others, and blatantly ignored others still. It's a more coherent draft, yes, but a better one?

Well, the judges will be my friends and family that will gladly tear it apart and help me put it back together again.

Currently Writing: Nothing. I'm gathering my wits and then either attacking Arthur (and actually finishing it), or hitting Zero Point some more.
Currently Reading: Green by Ted Dekker
Currently Listening to: "Into the Open Air" by Julie Fowles (I may have spelled her name wrong)

Home Stretch

With only five days (including today) remaining of NaNoWriMo, I'm in the downward spiral of the rewrite. Essentially, I'm reaching the first chunk of falling action. Because Unity kind of has a couple of falling actions.

Anyway, I'm trying to take one day at a time. I won't deny that I feel super-dee-duper stressed, but I've gotta come up with a way to handle it better. Freaking out obviously won't help. So I'm gonna try to take each day as it comes. I tend to look into the future and try to have things planned out as best I can, and I'm pretty prone to freaking out when things go awry.

Once NaNo is over, I think I'll be able to  breathe easier. At least for a short bit. I've got a full plate in the next month, what with the giveaway, craft show and writer's conference. But, at the end of December I've got a trip to Florida for some Disney World and a wedding. If that doesn't scream vacation, I don't know what does.

It'll be a nice reprieve to get away - far away - from everything. That's my reward I'm working toward. I'll work my 35+ hour weeks and write and edit and perfect as best I can and survive. And, Lord willing, I'll have some fun along the way.

To all you Wrimos out there, good luck! These last few days are the most stressful, I'm sure, but you can pull through! It's a rewarding experience, so don't give up yet. Even if you're far from the goal of 50,000 words, keep trying. Every step you take toward finishing your novel is a step forward, so everything counts, no matter how long it takes you. Keep pressing on and keep your chin up. You are equipped to write the story you're telling and you can do this.

Happy adventuring everyone!

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Sleep" by Polyphony and Stephen Layton

Curse My Short Attention Span!

I had such high hopes for this evening.

First off, I'm sick (again?! Why does this keep happening?!). And not just like, "*cough cough* now I'm all better" sort of sick. I'm losing my voice. One of my managers kept making fun of my inability to speak today and a few of my coworkers were laughing at how I could totally do a Batman impression just by talking. Then I made my brother nearly die of laughter when I tried to go falsetto and basically squeaked like a chipmunk.

Anyway, because of this, I'm lethargic. All I wanted to do today was watch Stargate and let my brain ooze. I can't do that. I'm a little behind on my writing and I still have around 30,000 words left to hammer out of Unity. Assuming Unity is around 120,000 words long when it's all said and done. That's just my rough estimate. It might wind up being more or less. Whatever. So long as the story's told properly.

Due to my lack of discipline today, I pretty much have had no control over my normally steadfast ability to just sit down and write. I kid you  not. I've just spent two hours playing around in Photoshop trying to make up a mock cover of Unity.

'Cause I have time for this.

NOT. I have an event coming up in like, two weeks to promote Genesis (at my old elementary school no less!), the giveaway on Goodreads ends in a few days, and I have the Writer's Conference in New York to prepare for. And I want to finish the Unity rewrite. AND I'm getting a hankering for trying to nail down more histories for Zero Point.

Sometimes, I think I try to tackle too much at any given time.

As though this all isn't crazy enough, today's Thanksgiving. Which means tomorrow is Black Friday. Which means Christmas is in like, doomsday looming distance. Goodness gracious, what kind of pill have I decided I'll swallow? One of my friends was right, I am an overachiever. But only in this area of my life.

I wonder what that says about me...

Thankfulness:
I'm incredibly thankful for a myriad of things. My family, my friends, my job, my creativity, my story, my characters, my God who controls all things and holds them all in His hands, my freedom (however long it may last), my car, and a trillion other things. I'm grateful for the fact that I can celebrate my Savior's birth and that I can have the financial ability to buy my family members and friends something nice. I'm blessed to know that there are people who love me, albeit far away, but they love me none the less. That somewhere out there, regardless of where I go and what I do, I can always return home and have someone who understands who I am and what I feel. I'm so far beyond thankful for the chance I have to give my characters life, to tell their story, and to pursue my dreams AND have the support of friends and family behind it. Not everyone is so lucky and somehow, God gifted me a bunch of different people who provide nonstop encouragement in all I do.

Be thankful everyone. And have a happy adventure this Thanksgiving.

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: Music from Disney's Robin Hood playing over and over in my head. Don't ask me why. It just is.

P.S. - I feel like I need to explain why it takes me months to read easy books. It's cause I only read when I'm at work. When I'm home, I'm writing or creating. I love reading, I really do. I have a bookcase that proves that. But I don't give myself the free time to dive into a story. I did it with Hunger Games and was sorely disappointed. So I think now, I'm super wary to devote prime writing time to someone else's story. Although Lawhead's Hood has been good so far.

Holy Validation Batman!

About a week ago, I was telling my mom how discouraged I was regarding my book. I guess I need to check Goodreads more often.

Not only did some random person rate it (with 4 outta 5 stars!), but over 200 people entered into the giveaway of 5 copies and over 100 people want to read the book. I'm excited. It's a stupid thing to get excited over, I suppose, but it shifted me straight into the tippy top of my happiness radar.

See, for me, just knowing that somewhere out there, someone read it and enjoyed it makes me happy. And knowing that they read it of their own volition and then chose to rate it toward the higher end of the scale is even better. I can't even describe it properly. I'm shivering with excitement.

It definitely didn't hurt matters that as I was looking at this, "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen came on my iPod. I kid you not, this song is one of my absolute favorites. I could listen to it on repeat for days and never get sick of it. Whenever it comes on, I get so inspired to write and do great things, even if I'm not capable of them.

Well, that's all. I really just wanted to sort of spew my excitement, and it's like, 2am. Normal people are sleeping now.

Not me!

Happy adventuring everyone :)

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Proud Nation" by Immediate Music

Limbo

I'm in this strange in between of life.

See, I really don't want to make a career of working in retail. I could do it, but I really don't want to. For a myriad of reasons. The hours, the lack of weekends off, feeling stuck in this time-warp of never ending stuff that must be done to appease the higher ups (even though it's tedious). Now that last one I understand will happen everywhere. That'd be fine and good if I could just figure out what to do.

On one hand, I really don't mind working at Staples. I like my coworkers, they seem to tolerate me (despite the fact that I'm very obviously an outcast due to my Christian beliefs), and I bring home a somewhat respectable paycheck every week. I can go to church every Sunday and tend to have Fridays off. It's a pain to get a weekend off, but eventually I get to see my friends up north (and the few down south) again.

But it really isn't what I want to be doing. Is that so bad? I feel as though it is. Like I'm not being content with where I am. Now here's where I struggle: I'm frustrated with where I am because there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Things I think would help a myriad of people far more than me trying to make copies every day and not get yelled at or reprimanded or treated like a 2 year old for doing one thing wrong.

I think that's what bothers me the most. These stupid little things that people nit pick on. Never do they cause a cataclysm of destruction. Never do they really hang up the well oiled machine. But somehow I'm still berated like I hit the button of doom. Treated like a child, I'm scoffed at as though it's okay - like I won't care that I'm being trampled across and ridiculed.

I'm twenty-four. I have a four year degree and I think, a pretty good head on my shoulders. I don't get everything right - I admit when I screw up and I admit when things don't get done due to my inability. Doesn't this entitle me to a little respect? That's all I really want. Respect. And I feel like, sometimes, I just don't get it where I am.

Sometimes, I feel like that doll thrown into the corner again. It's not to anyone's fault. It's probably my own doing. I don't know how to relate to people, I guess. I'm the odd one out and I don't know how to change that without completely destroying my spiritual life.

How do I change my approach without the sheer destruction of who and what I am? Or is this a losing battle? Can my one little light of attempted goodness really help someone? How am I to know?

I guess this is life. Move ahead and look for the doors that open. And I guess when none open, start searching for the window.

Happy adventuring.

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "For the Beauty of the Earth" by Barlowgirl

Halfway There

Well, as I think you can see, I've fulfilled the NaNoWriMo challenge. Woohoo! Another certificate to add to my growing collection :) And for those who are wondering; yes. I do frame them and hang them. It's an achievement after all!

Even though I've accomplished Nano, I'm only halfway through the book. I just cracked the two chapters past that point in the story. I knew that Unity was going to be long. As my brother said, "Her second book is basically The Council of Elrond."

That's a fair assessment.

So I have my work cut out for me. Unity, I feel, is going to be the book that I write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite and scrap and rewrite. It's a hodgepodge book. A lot needs to happen in a short amount of time and even more is thrown at the audience during this time period. It's a lot for a general reader to take in. I might be asking too much of my readers. But, well, if I can follow it, I imagine anyone can. Though, I've had over ten years to meddle in this story and these characters.

To be fair, I've really only known the other Human-Borns well for about two years. Up till then, they've just been floating enigmas.

Well fellow Wrimos, I wish you all luck! Keep plugging away through whatever obstacles come your way and persevere. It'll be worth it in the end to have that manuscript finished. Trust me, I know! Keep pushing on and never give up. I believe in you!

Happy adventuring everyone.

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Throne of Divinity" by City of the Fallen

Breather

I'm taking a brief respite from writing to...write a blog.

This is a different kind of writing. Like stream of consciousness.

7 days into Nano and I'm over the halfway mark for the month's goal. (And honestly, I'm sitting on a 3 chapter buffer of at least another 10k words just in case I don't get a day to write). I'm pleased with the pace I've been taking. The rewrite is going well and I finally tackled the major hurdle of the book. I stalled for a day because I still had no clue what was going on. Then I threw caution to the wind and said, "That's what editing's for!"

So here I sit. I just hammered out 4k in about 2 1/2, 3 hours. I have about three more hours until I'm calling it bed time, so I have the potential to get a nice chunk of the rewrite done tonight. Which would be a pleasant change. It helped that I got off work at two. I'm near dead tired, but thankfully the story keeps my mind reeling regardless of my sleep-deprivation.

How are things going with my fellow Wrimos? Everyone plowing along through their stories and having a blast? I sure hope so. The challenge behind NaNoWriMo is daunting, but incredibly fulfilling. Keep pressing on my fellow writers! There is much more of November left. Don't let the weather fool you!

For those that don't know, it's currently snowing outside. If I wasn't in writing mode, I'd totally be listening to Christmas music.

Happy writing!

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "New World Order" by City of the Fallen

Outside the Comfort Zone

So today I was checking my emails (because I have like, four), and discovered I've been accepted to register for a writer's conference in New York City. It's a pretty hardcore one. It's basically four days of me sitting in front of editors and pitching my book.

When I applied for the registration (that's how selective this is: I had to apply to be allowed to register), I didn't expect to make the cut. For one reason or another, I thought I wouldn't be good enough. Either my age or inexperience or whatever was going to limit me in the mind of whomever was choosing the participants this year.

I'm freaked out of my mind! Because I didn't expect to make the cut, I didn't prepare at all. I have about a month, but still. This is the kind of nervousness that chews at my insides and makes me quiver when no one's looking. This isn't where you go to get praise or to get a pat on the back. This sort of conference is where you go and have editors of high end houses sit down and say, "Why should I back your book?"

Now I'm busy mapping out my money and seeing if I can spare $600 for the four day excursion. It's in mid December too, so getting the time off of work will be...tricky. I'll probably have to sacrifice a lot to get the time off, especially since I need a huge chunk of Christmas off 'cause my family's going to Florida.

I have a lot of praying to do to determine if this is the right step to take. I have a few days to figure this out and determine if I can swing the conference. A part of me really wants to do this. The scared child part of me wants to run away screaming.

But I guess this is how it is. I need to have confidence in my book and in my characters. Being published through an actual house (HOLY WOW), would be amazing. I mean...who knows what might happen.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is the one scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Indy needs to step into the unknown (literally), before he can find the Holy Grail. This is one of those times where I have no clue if there's a rock ledge to stand on, but I guess I'll step out anyway.

The beauty is, even if I fall, God will catch me. That's always a comfort. Kinda makes me wonder why I shouldn't just take the step. Can't lose anything, right?

Happy adventuring everyone!

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Ascencia" by Jo Blankenburg

P.S. - You would think I had been searching for the Holy Grail this afternoon. All I wanted was my Chocolate Mocha coffee made by Gevalia. And every store I went to that had power carried every other variety they made, but not mine! I had to settle on something that cost like, four dollars more than I was expecting to spend. This Godiva Chocolate Truffle had better be worth it.

Disaster, Discipline and Defrosting

Hurricane (then turned into Tropical Storm) Sandy did a good number on my local area. Which seemed surreal for me. My house was barely affected by the storm. Some blown transformers in the area and occasionally surges, but nothing disastrous.

But when I was told on Monday that Staples was closed, and then again yesterday, I was a little surprised at the widespread devastation around the local area. Then I drove up to Quakertown.

Downed trees, street lights off for miles, store signs blown to smithereens, telephone poles ripped to the ground from uprooted trees, whole shopping centers in the black.

Sometimes, I get a "home bubble" when I get stuck inside. Even though I read the reports and Facebook updates of friends, it still feels miles away from me. Not a block up and around the corner (where a tree was practically thrown across the front lawn of a nearby house). We have yet to find out the situation with our shore house down in Ocean City, NJ. My dad is fully prepared to lose everything on the first floor.

And with this storm came cold, biting weather. The kind that forces people to finally turn on their heaters and huddle around them. The kind of cold that freezes your toes and no amount of shuffling them under your covers will warm them again. Normally, I love this weather. But this was brought about with damp and dreary wetness, which only accentuates the cold in the air.

Now I have to remind myself that I need to be ready to leave for work five minutes earlier, just to defrost my car.

In other news, at midnight tonight, NaNoWriMo starts in earnest. I have a few writing buddies to join me on the journey and hopefully I'll stick to my schedule. I know as of late, my discipline has been lacking. So, to keep myself in check, I wrote up a calendar and forced myself to schedule time for writing. It sounds so childish to me, but I need to do it.

As of tomorrow, every day at 10pm, I will retreat to my room, plug in my headphones, and write until I can't write anymore. I have a pretty insane goal this time around: rewrite Unity. That should be easy, right?

Well, for those that weren't around last time, Unity is over 102,000 words on its own. That's close to 15,000 more words than Genesis. And in this rewrite, I know many, many words will be added on. My goal during November is to rewrite Unity in its entirety.

Wish me luck, fellow Wrimos, and I hope to see you on the battlefield of writing.

Happy adventuring!

Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Hope Will Lead Us On" by Barlowgirl

P.S. - Barlowgirl is one of my favorite bands. For 10 years, they've inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me through the darkest times and given me voice in the joyful times. Their concert was one of the most love-filled events I've ever been to, and I'm sad to see them go. I do, however, look forward to where God takes them next. If you've never listened to their music, I highly encourage you to look into them. You'll be glad you did.

The End of the World!

Or so many in the northeast seem to think.

I live in eastern Pennsylvania (in case you don't know), so that means that Hurricane Sandy is moving right on through where I call home. Every state office is closed, the government has declared a state of emergency, and even the mall closed. I, however, don't know if I'm working tomorrow yet or not. Even though I seriously doubt I'm gonna have someone coming in "needing" to get some copies made in the middle of a hurricane.

Although, if it comes down to me braving the elements and one of my coworkers, I'm gonna volunteer. I was saying to my parents as we watched the weather report, "I know this might sound reckless and stupid, but I'd much rather that I risk my life just to watch the store than one of my coworkers."

Yeah, there will probably be power outages. Yeah, there's gonna be flooding and I'm sure a good bit of devastation  My brother's already on call for catastrophe claims work and my dad's getting himself ready for a boatload of claims to hit his computer sometime next week when this all blows over. Yes, I'm sure there will be casualties and there will be problems that arise in many, many people's lives.

However, I don't view this as the end of the world. Even if I'm without power and the water shuts off and we have to move by candlelight and my cell phone dies, it won't be the world caving in on itself. Yes, it'll be uncomfortable and might even drive me slightly bonkers. But I will still be converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Honestly, I just hope people use their brains. Don't go driving around to run errands. Stay inside, stay safe. Use your head and keep yourself informed. Prepare, but don't freak out. When an evacuation is ordered, leave. Keep yourself alive. Things can be replaced - people can't.

And that's why tonight I said to my parents, "I know where I'm going when I die. And I know where many of my coworkers are going if they were to die tomorrow. So I'd much rather be the one that bites the bullet if I know it'll buy them a few more years to see the light and hear the News."

Hey, if the power goes out, it gives everyone an excuse to finally work on that story they've always wanted to write. Or better yet, plan it out so they can join me in NaNoWriMo :)

Stay safe everyone. And happy adventuring.

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen

The Rough Days

Today I wanted to take a sledgehammer to every copier in existence.

It was one of those nights where everyone and their mother must have thought, "Let's go to Staples and bog up the Copy Center." There was literally one moment where I had eight customers all waiting for me to help them. That wouldn't be too bad, if they wouldn't all just stare at me. Or worse, rock back and forth with this listless, bored and slightly agitated expression on their face.

So when eight pm rolled around and suddenly both copiers were eating the paper they were supposed to be copying, I gave up. Right then and there, I hung my head, fought the urge to scream, and began to pray a stream of prayers for God to take over. And all I could think of was, "God's not my GPS, He's my driver. Move over to the passenger seat idiot."

That helped boatloads. Not only did God grant my plea for things to slow down, but the rest of the evening went by quickly. Thankfully a day like this happened before I had my day off. So I was able to leave work in the dust and know that I wouldn't have to return until Saturday afternoon. Sometimes that's a nice relief - knowing that I can basically take the next day and a half and use it for my own goals.

I can't say that I get it right. After all, it took me seven of my nine hours of work to finally give up trying to control the night's workload before I nearly got on my knees and prayed. But I can say that in that one moment, once I let the chaos go from my grasp, I felt better. So I encourage you, in your chaos, remember that sometimes it's best to just stop trying to hold the reigns and instead, hand them off to someone with far more experience.

In other news, I'm excited. I have off today, which means that after some morning archery practice, I'm going for a quick shopping trip, and then the rest of the day I'm writing. At least until the evening. Then I'll be preoccupied with some serious Killer Bunnies gameplay.

Happy writing everyone! Remember, NaNoWriMo is right around the corner. I expect to see some new faces.

Currently [re]Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "What Makes you Beautiful" by One Direction

P.S. - This is Killer Bunnies by the way.

It's That Time

Dust off your keyboards. Renew your interest in a dried out story. Shake out your writing pads & notebooks. Track down your favorite pen or pencil.

NaNoWriMo is back!

In several short days, November will be here. Crazy to imagine that we're already nearing that threshold of a new challenge. For those new to the party, NaNoWriMo is the opportunity for writers (of all ages, genres, levels of expertise, etc.), to band together and attempt a goal that might be insane. In the course of the month of November, hit 50,000 words on a novel of your choosing.

What will I be doing? Well, the rewrite of Unity. Unless if this new story idea hijacks my attention. Or possibly Zero Point. Or I might finish Arthur. This is the first time in a long time that I've left projects hanging. Literally, ZP & Arthur are just chilling until I work up the courage to drag them back into the sunlight.

If you happen to be interested in my goal timeline, this is it. November: rewrite Unity. December: Actually finish Unity (and go to Disney and see one of my favorite couples get married). January: Finish Arthur. February: Knock out a few more stories of Zero Point.

And that's as far as I'm planning ahead. God knows I hate making any plans, let alone ones that have the possibility of cementing into some sort of foundation.

The event today went well. I got the chance to talk with a number of people, both about Genesis and about future events. I've made a lot of connections and contacts now, so that should help open something up for later in the coming months.

So, to tie this back to my original reason for writing: join me! Sign up for NaNoWriMo and give a crack at something insane, but mighty fun. There's a great community of writers out there to help encourage you as you trudge along. Trust me, we understand the pressure of that goal. I'm really going to be fighting to be diligent about it. Crazy - I have to actually find time to write? Ugh, please, can I have my final semester of college back?

Happy adventuring everyone :)

Currently Writing: kinda rummaging through the possibility of this new story. Nothing major yet, just...mishmash plot stuff.
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Thankful for You" by TobyMac

P.S. - The TobyMac kick, there is a reason. I just bought his new album and it's kinda been on repeat.

Take 2

I need to be up in five hours. (Aside: I hate that I'm one of those people that counts how much sleep I'll get). Tomorrow/Today, I'm appearing at another event to try to get some more PR out for Genesis. It promises to be a fun day, filled with all sorts of adventuring. This offers a different experience and atmosphere from the first show I did. Not only is this indoors, but all I've got is an eight foot table.

Quite a drastic change from the ten by ten area I had outside in September.

In other news, my rewriting has been stagnant for about three weeks. Whether that's due to my own laziness of late (fighting against lethargy in a myriad of ways), or because I'm actually starting to get a new idea completely unrelated to End Game, I don't know. The other story, by the way, may or may not see the light of day. It might not even be written. But every now and then it pops into my head and I mull it over. I honestly don't think I'll venture far down it simply because there's still so much for me to unwrap with the Tilion world.

Since I really should get to bed, I'll say goodnight/good morning. Have a beautiful day, whomever you are, and if it crosses your mind, wish me luck.

Happy adventuring!

Currently Rewriting: Unity
Currently Reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead
Currently Listening to: "Eye on It" by TobyMac

P.S. - Anyone good with websites care to explain why my domain won't use my index.html file to automatically connect to the enter page of my site and instead will only display a directory? 'Cause I really am frustrated by the stupid thing. Is it simply 'cause I capitalized the word 'index'? If it is, I'm gonna throw a fit with myself for it being such a simple answer.

P.P.S - Anyone good with websites care to tell me how to link keywords to the site?

Civil War

Hi. Susan Markloff here.

I'm a Christian. What does that mean? I love God. I follow His holy Word known as the Bible. I listen to Christian music (which doesn't always say God's name or Jesus'), and I pray whether audibly or just as a mantra in my head. I try to not criticize others or judge their hearts. Judgment is God's job at the end of all things. I'm not perfect, nor do I think anyone other than Jesus was or is or ever will be. I don't have all the answers and I still ask myself many a question. But I have faith - which is where the heart of my "religion" comes from.

What's this post got to do with anything?

We're a sick, twisted and horrid race. Humans, I mean. And not just 'cause we're sinners. It's more that we are so ready to jump onto someone else, judge someone else, blame someone else, that we're in a state of civil war. It doesn't seem like war because we haven't resorted to physical violence. Yet. Political parties are literally at one another's throats verbally. Christians attack other Christians for so many different reasons, it's staggering and mind-boggling. Saying "I'm a Christian" has gone from being a good thing to being offensive.

Everything is awesome, and no one is happy.

The blind scream atrocities at the arrogant and the arrogant call the blind dumb. The lost cry out for more 'stuff' when at the heart of their cry is a yearning for their brokenness to be healed by the only thing that can heal it. Those that are meant to be lighthouses are becoming battery-dead flashlights that flicker in a moment or two of a good whacking. Those who follow idols (sins of any sort), are marching across this world as leaders and those attempting to follow righteousness hide in small corners, saying they shouldn't be loud.

Up is down and down is up. Wrong is right and right is wrong. The ones drowning kill the lifeguards as inexperienced swimmers with floaties try to rescue those wandering off at sea. Those with megaphones scream falsehoods and paint backwards pictures of truth while the would-be disciples take the brunt of the hit.

All of these metaphors are my frustrations at the moment. I apologize for those that have no interest in reading this. But I have to say something now or I'll bust. We're so busy accusing someone else of their sin that we can't even begin to recognize our own. No wonder people stick their fingers in their ears and go "LA LA LA" whenever the word "Christian" is uttered. We've become mirrors of those we're meant to be leading to Christ. And that's another thing - we've forgotten that Christ is the one it's all about. We're so busy thinking that we've done all this stuff ("Saving someone", "doing mission work", "knowing scripture"), that we've lost sight of the reason for our being here. We're meant to help lead other sheep to the shepherd,  not try to take the shepherd's staff and lead the sheep on our own. All you get are a bunch of wandering sheep with the shepherd still trying to get them on track.

*Deep breath*

Alright. I'm done. None of this made sense to anyone else but me.

Currently reading: Hood by Stephen Lawhead

Currently listening to: "Me Without You" by TobyMac

Colds

I think God is testing me. Because not 24 hours after I told a coworker that I tend to not get sick often, I come down with some nasty head/nose/throat thing that has stuck to me like glue for the past six days. Normally that'd be no biggie. I'd just sleep and it would go away. I so wish I could just do that and it would this time. Because not only am I working nothing but closing shifts this week, but it's inhibiting my ability to write.

My head just feels inflated and breaking off any creativity I might have. It's even kind of difficult to write this blog right now. But I'm trying. And I think that's something everyone should do.

Sometimes we hit road blocks that make us stumble on what we're doing or trying to accomplish. Especially, I think as creators (artists, crafters, writers, etc.), we have to make time for our fun job. And sometimes we get sick or family emergencies crop up or we're just basically told "No, you can't do that" by the world. Because there's not time for something fun or creative in this world. Right? That's what we're told, right?

Well, it's wrong. I love being creative and I love having the opportunity to delve into a world unknown to others except the readers that follow with me. That, I think, is a gift not enough people encourage in others. So I encourage you, whoever you are, to be the best creative person you can be. Strive for something extraordinary despite what gets in the way. And above all, have hope & faith. God's got this.

In a closing note, I have no clue if any of this made sense. Foggy brain...

Happy writing!

Currently (re)Writing: Unity
Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: THIS.

Old Haunts

I feel as though the End Game thread of my world is becoming that old house you used to know so very well.

Have you ever been in a place that when you were little, you used to go to all the time? A place with many old memories, but not so many new ones? That's sort of what rewriting my second book is like. It's going back and seeing all the people you used to hang with and spending time in their life for a few moments again. I get to hang with Jen and the gang all over again and explore their adventure like it's brand new.

That's kinda why I like editing so much. I can get caught up in everything again. It's a whole new adventure, even though it's just a retelling (hopefully a better one), of a story I already know. See, I'm someone who rereads like a fiend. I love visiting old stories that I know like the back of my hand. Because I always see something new each time I go back to it.

Thankfully, I never get old of my books. My dad asked me tonight if I was sick of it, and I told him, "No, I'm actually really enjoying it." And I am.

Another metaphor would be that moment when it's finally cold enough to wear your favorite sweater or hoodie. Pulling that over your head and feeling the fabric ball around your hand as you snuggle into a seat. It's comforting and wonderful. It's a feeling of...home.

Funny that I find that in my own characters.

Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen

Music

I write what I see in my head. One of the biggest things that inspires those images in my brain is music. Specifically, of the orchestra kind.

Have you ever heard of Thomas Bergersen? I've had my "listening to" music occasionally fall under his category. He's someone who works for the movie trailer music company called Two Steps From Hell. Recently, he released a solo album titled "Illusions". It's a phenomenal selection of music he's composed. You get a wide range of scores across this album and it's by far my favorite among my orchestral playlist.

There's a song on there called "Promise". I adore it. In that one song, I can fully visualize Agerius and Tilion and End Game and a million other things all related to my books. Music has the ability to, if we let it, convey emotions without the use of words. Especially within finely composed orchestral pieces. I know that the sweeping strings of an orchestra can bore some people. Naturally some genres of music don't cater to everyone. In fact, most genres are pretty selective for certain people.

But I think everyone should give this stuff a chance.

See, as a writer, I think the best way we can gain inspiration is when we're in the quiet moments. When music blasts into our ears and through our bodies and lifts us away from reality and to a different place. A place where only our minds can take us. And I think, in those moments, we can truly feel and see our story unfold and the world embedded in our hearts actually take form.

This might be nonsense to some people. But I think everyone can agree to one thing: music moves people. Whether with words or without them, music has this carnal ability to invoke feeling that sometimes words and pictures can't.

It's been an interesting week. I can only imagine what the coming months will bring. 10 books went to homes this past Sunday, 6 of which were complete strangers. I welcome the feedback, by the way. In case any of those strangers happened to look here.

Happy writing (and reading), everyone! Hopefully in the next day or so, I'll have a new fangled website up for End Game. That's exciting.

Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Writing: Kind of Unity. But not as much as I'd like.
Currently Listening to: "Beethoven's 5 Secrets" by The Piano Guys

Step One

On Sunday, I'm making what's always been in my head a reality. I officially begin to market my book. T-Shirts have piled into boxes neatly, 50 copies of my book sit in wait, boxes of ceramics work are packed and ready to go. Two ladders sit outside ready to be turned into "bookshelves". Sheets of wood are currently covering the dining room table with traced outlines of wings to be cut tomorrow. My business cards are sitting for the first time to be used in a professional atmosphere.

It's kind of surreal.

I have absolutely no idea what's going to come of Sunday. In a way, I'm trying not to get too excited about it, simply because I might get my hopes up. Honestly though, I'm not expecting anything astounding to happen. I anticipate a few books getting sold, maybe a T-shirt or two. But I'm not expecting awards or prizes or even for lots of books to go flying. I'm doing this mostly for PR. To get my name out there and my book on someone's mouth.

So I'll do my darndest to make the most of this Sunday. I'm a little bummed that I'm missing church, but I just have to have faith that this will be worth it. My pastor helped me out tonight in getting a canopy for me to use, and he was excited for me. I guess I'm just lucky to have the support I do. After all, my house is currently filled with my siblings (minus one - bummer too!), and they're here to show their support and offer their encouragement.

My parents have been super helpful in every aspect of this whole endeavor. Saying "I'm blessed" only marginally covers how truly lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. I only hope everyone else has the same kind of support I get on a daily basis. Because I know at any moment, I can text my friends or family members and know that they'll respond with words of encouragement and a prayer on their hearts.

That kind of thing isn't something to take lightly. I try to remember that as often as possible.

May all your writing (and reading), adventures be happy :)

Currently Writing: Nothing at present. After this week, I'm hoping to have more time for Unity's rewrite!
Currently Reading: Finally getting around to finishing The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: "Starvation" by Thomas Bergersen

PS - Sometime next week (or possibly the week after), I'll be unrolling a website for End Game. It's a wonderfully exhilarating experience!

Amongst the Chaos

I'm telling ya, this month has been hard.

Initially, I thought this month was going to be cake. I'd write every day and I'd totally cream that 50,000 word goal of Camp Nano and I'd have a blast with my friends at a wedding earlier this month and I'd enjoy work and I'd do a million other things and still have time to do what I wanted.

That was wrong.

Not only am I way behind on my Arthurian lore piece (which has been a blast), but I've thrown another major weight onto my shoulders. In less than a month (WHAT?!), I am embarking on self-promoting my book hard core. I'll be attending an art show that my town does every fall and broadcasting my book as much as possible. That means coming up with marketing and advertising and figuring out if I can afford to buy everything that people need when they start a business and...and...I don't even know what else.

Do I buy T-shirts? What about a banner? And how about business cards? Who should I get to endorse my book? Will anyone endorse my book? What will grab someone's attention? Will what grabs my attention grab someone else's?

And all the while, I'm scraping by to meet a goal that should have only taken me a couple of days to complete. My brain feels like mush half the time and the other half I'm running rampant with ideas and thoughts and wishes and oh gosh I really should work out and I should rework my cover art and maybe I should...

This is what I've signed up for.

This is it kids. No one said it would be easy. The bills will come. The money will be tight. The nights will be long and the hours will be strenuous. You will feel stretched as you write in the odd hours. You'll feel exhausted after coming home from 9 hours of physical labor. But it's the greatest of writers, I think, that persevere through this difficulty and become something more.

Don't shy away from the challenge. Believe in yourself, even if you can't find the faith to. Somehow I do. And I think that's simply because I get by with a little help from my friends.

Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Writing: Arthur
Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Steven Bergesen

Unsuspecting Answers

Next month, my hometown is throwing what they call the "Gallery of the Arts". It's basically this huge gathering of artists to showcase what they do and sell some of what they make. It mostly attracts painters and photographers, but crafters show up too and you get a pretty wide array of talent. I participated years ago as a Junior artist and actually won an award (shocking!).

All of this to say: they've never had a writer. So my parents and I were talking about it a few nights ago and decided to look into it. Upon asking the director of the program about it, they gladly welcomed the written word into the fold, so long as I put down on the application a craft or artistic genre to technically fall into. But they'll let me sell my book there.

The gathering tends to attract a good deal of foot traffic. It's a little crazy, but I'm going to give it a shot. This naturally will require work though.

I need an editor. As I've said before, I've been looking for over a year now and applying since two summers ago to agents. For some reason, I always thought I had to go through this long, arduous process to get there. Silly me, I have friends.

One of my very good friends is incredibly good at editing. While she didn't major in writing, her mother ingrained in her brain how to properly construct, well, everything. She would be ideal to ask to edit. She thinks the story is strong and will be able to (hopefully), fly through the material and get an edited copy off to me in a few weeks, leaving me time to edit and upload a proper copy before I buy a bunch for the gallery.

So this is my advice: don't shy away from the seemingly easy answers. Even if this adventure proves fruitless, I'll have a far better polished manuscript at hand to give someone. It always helps to have a second set of eyes look over your book critically and analyze where it's strengths and weaknesses are.

Because as the writer, you can read and reread your story a million times over and you might still miss the same typo or the same grammatical error. It's why in all of my writing classes we always read each other's pieces. It gave outside advice and opinions. It also helped to catch problems that the writer might have missed.

Search for your editor. Whether it's a professional or a friend, it'll help your manuscript in the end.

Happy writing!

Currently Writing: Arthur
Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: "Sticks and Stones" by Sigur Ros

Things I Learn

"Maybe you don't need the whole world to love you. Maybe all you need is...is one person." - Kermit the Frog.

Not even kidding. Ever since I first saw the newest Muppets movie, that quote has been among one of my favorites. It's such an honest thought. But it's one I think we forget.

Today at work, one of my coworkers decided to (once again), tell me how he thought every woman that was coming in the door was hot, "And not jailbait" he added. I hate hearing guys talk like that. Basically constantly scoping every woman out to see if she looks good enough in their eyes. It bothers me because it immediately makes me wonder what others think of me: my biggest downfall.

Then later in the evening, when it was quiet and I had nothing to do but think as I cleaned up and closed the Copy Center for the night, the thought popped into my head. It doesn't matter if every guy thinks I'm beautiful. I don't need to be beautiful to the whole world. I just need to be beautiful to one person.

Naturally that led to the Muppets quote mentioned above sounding in my head in Kermit's ever so noticeable voice.

Anyway, all of this to say: everyone out there who struggles with how others view them. Don't. I know, it's a hard bill to meet. It's like saying don't be afraid of spiders to someone who's terrified of them. But seriously, there's someone out there who thinks you're the most beautiful thing on the planet. You just might not have met them yet.

Sometimes customers ask me if I'm married. I tell them this: "I'm married to whomever my future husband is." And I'm waiting for the day I meet him and he tells me I'm beautiful. Because I'll know that that's what I've been waiting to hear for years from him and him alone.

This random tidbit from the life of Susan Markloff is brought to you by "Peanuts" by Charles Schultz. 'Cause it was the first thing in my room that my eyes set on.

Have a happy day in whatever you do.

Currently Writing: Arthur

Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Currently Listening to: The Japanese Digimon intro. Not even kidding. It's hard core stuck in my head.

PS - I once got an A on a racquetball paper because I referenced Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson.

Accuracy

I've never written a story that has historical fact to it.

Okay, so Arthurian lore isn't historical fact. But, there is a universally known bit about Arthur. He was king of England at some point. He may or may not have worked with Robin Hood (who is also a fictional/possibly real character from history), and his tutor/educator was a wizard named Merlin. He had a half brother named Kay and a step-father/uncle named Sir Ector. He pulled the sword from the stone and was crowned king of England at a young age. In some levels of the myth, he's a bastard child of Uther Pendragon. He has a sword called Excalibur and spoke with a lady in a lake. He married Guinevere. She may (or may not), have had an affair with Lancelot, depending on which time frame you're talking about for the lore.

It's a lot that people tend to know or have some basic carnal knowledge of. While yes, I've written of real places before, this is different. There was a lot of research involved. It's kind of how it was when I wrote my novella. I sat down and read a lot before I actually started writing. I had cheat sheets to help guide me in the story and the characters.

This is a bit harder though. At least for me. Trudging through the sludge of may haves and may-not haves is difficult. Granted, it leaves a lot of room for play. I can mess with things because, technically, there's no real hard core proof that Arthur ever existed. He had a magician call snow out in the middle of summer for crying out loud. Probably a work of fiction that acted as a good story for kids back in the day.

So I keep reminding myself to have fun with it. Take what I know (and what the world knows), and make it your own. After all, we're messing with the way the world views things already in the current world-stream from the series.

Oh yeah, this story deals with the same world as my 5 book series. At this rate, I'm never going to be done with this world. Is it alright if I say that makes me smile? I'm having some fun though. Because I'm learning more about my characters along the way. There's a flip to that and that's simply this: plot holes! There's the potential for many of them to pop on up. I'm trying to squash them though and fill the cracks before they become craters.

That may prove difficult.

Happy writing everyone!

Currently Writing: Arthur
Currently Reading: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Currently Listening to: "What Makes you Beautiful" cover by The Piano Guys

PS - The Hobbit movie is going to be a 3 parter. I don't think I like that one bit.

Where'd July Go?

Holy crap it's almost August.

You know what that means: another month of Camp Nano! And, crazily enough, another wedding! My August looks packed and I'm actually not sure if I'll reach my 50,000 word goal for the month. With a wedding, a sister coming back from a summer gone working stage design for a theater, and a week down at Ocean City with my family...

It'll be tough. But I think I can do it. So long as I'm dedicated. And that's the important thing. Just keep plugging away. My breaks will become time to scribble notes, small scenes and what not down while I'm away from my computer and I'll just learn to drink coffee.

July has truly flown past. It's been good, but shockingly busy. With getting into a stride having regular work (and with that, regular money), and all of the craziness at church with Philly Extreme and VBS, it's been hard to get into a routine. It also doesn't help much that despite the many ideas floating around my head, I took this past month off to not write.

I'm itching to get back to it. Writing the outline for the Arthurian tale has been fun, but a lot of it is foggy. There's a lot that I really don't know what's happening. It's kinda how I felt when I started trying to figure out my fifth book.

Well, as always, happy writing everyone! Anyone interested in Camp Nano should check it out. I highly encourage everyone to embark on it. You never know what you're capable of until you try.

Currently Writing: Absolutely nothing (sing it again!)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Idumea" by the Millikin University Choir

Sometimes I Say Things I Don't Think Come From Me

It's a long title, but fitting.

I've been having a lot of conversations like the one I'm currently having with a friend. We're both struggling with the uncertainties of life and growing up. Finding our paths in life and where we're meant to be. The answers elude us and we're left with shrugs and blank stares at the sky as we ask, "Okay, now what?"

As I was talking with her, I realized there wasn't anything I could really say to bring her comfort. So I told her the only word I knew that might help, which was to have faith.

To me, faith always requires some level of blindness. Some level of complete trust in something unseen.

In the midst of talking with her about this, I said, "It's when we're blind that we begin to see."

At first I thought, "That's stupid. Why would you even say that?" Then I thought about it. To me, it resounded around my head for a few seconds and then settled into my heart. It was true. It was something that I didn't really believe when I wrote it, but when I read it again, I realized it was something I needed to hear.

Become blind so then you can see.

Currently Writing: Arthur outline
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Finale" from the DragonHeart Score

Tragedy, Joy, and a Little Hope

Holy wow. What a week. And I haven't even reached the week mark yet.

On Thursday night I saw The Dark Knight Rises at midnight showing. The following day I found out about the shooting in Colorado. Not only was I shocked into silence, but it sort of rocked me upon seeing the movie on Friday with some friends. All I can do is pray for both the victims and the man who thought this was a good idea. I simply cannot fathom someone doing something like that. It doesn't compute to me.

The crazy thing is, this sort of insanity jars people into inspiring hope and goodness. For a day, we act kinder. We see the world beyond our sphere. We might even pray and not condemn the God who gives us breath. For about a day, we remember this awful thing, offer up our condolences via social media, and hope nothing like that happens again.

Then the second day comes.

As if waking from a stupor, we go back to how we really are. Tragedy doesn't truly shock our core anymore. It's just part of the world. However, if one celebrity dies through their own stupidity (or through natural causes), it's like the world swallowed salvation. For days we'll get media coverage. People will play their songs, watch their movies, read their books, etc. till we're sick of them. Facebook pours with how horrible it is that that one person is gone.

But a man comes in and kills many, injures more, and it's only worthy of one day? Only worthy of one moment's thought? How have we gotten to this point? Are we that desensitized? Or is it simply that we cannot imagine multiple deaths? Is it that the higher the toll is, the harder it is to believe or what? I don't understand.

But enough of this musing and doom and gloom.

This week is VBS (Vacation Bible School), at my church. We do an evening one, so I'm working morning shifts and then shooting home to eat then I'm off to church till about 9 in the evening. It's a great experience and uplifting to see young kids learning verses, singing songs of praise, and getting excited as the hour arrives to start. I can't help but smile at some of these kids and their enthusiasm.

And because of how sleep-deprived I'm becoming from this past weekend/week, I am boldly going into the realm of coffee. I'm a bit afraid, but I find it'll be necessary tomorrow with my 4:45 wake up call. So tonight I went to experiment at Wawa to ensure whatever I get tomorrow morning won't make me gag.

Niki and I were standing there, talking about what I might try. I've never done this. How expensive is one cup? What's hot, and what's cold? Can I mix flavors? How big of a cup should I get? How tired am I? Do I really want something hot when it's 96 degrees outside?

Then this one man offered help. He pointed out the prices, joked with me about how to get my hot coffee cold, and the like. I went up to pay for my $1.35 coffee and he was two people in front of me. He's paying for his and points toward me and says to the cashier, "And for her too."

I smiled.

That never happens to me! I'm the person that hears about others doing that sort of thing - random strangers paying a bill, offering a hand, etc. It brought this bit of hope into my heart. A random act of kindness. Can we achieve that? What if we all just took a moment, an action, a smile, and gave it to someone else? What if we all decided to buy the next person in line a coffee?

How much greater could this world be?

I pray a special blessing for that one man. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I think he deserves a good dose of God's blessing. Because that one action made my tiring, headache induced day a whole lot better.

Currently Writing: Nothing. Just jotting down ideas for the next story (which starts next week!!)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Awakening" by Chris Tomlin

P.S. - This was my 100th post. Just FYI.

Sinking

I think everyone reaches points like this throughout their lives.

I need more hours in the day. I need to not require sleep. I need to stop worrying. I need to relinquish control. I need to stop giving in to fear. I need to try harder. I need to try less. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough. Or am I doing too much?

This crazy juxtaposition of emotions is what I'm falling into at the moment.

Not a single book has been sold in almost two weeks. That shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. It shouldn't bother me because I'm not in this for the money. If I was looking for money, I would have tried harder in school, networked better, and done about a million things differently. I'm in the publishing industry because I want to tell a story and I want the world to know that story. Money - eh, who cares. In the long run, it means little. I only want what I need to get by. I only want to have enough to eat, have a roof over my head that's preferably my own, and a dog. That's it.

I need to find an editor. I've been talking about this for nearly a year now. The problem I face is simple: I don't have enough time right now. Between wanting to read my Bible (and a book Niki and I picked up called "The Story"), working, trying to help around the house, seeing friends before they move to Timbuktu (figuratively), staying on top of new worship songs and VBS next week...

I need to not need sleep.

I haven't touched my Writer's Market Guide in almost a week, and it's grating against me. I feel like I'm not taking steps in the right direction.

Y'know, initially I was going to have my book up for sale on CreateSpace for a limited time. I was only going to keep it up for a month, let those that really wanted it buy it, and then take it down. It would save me time in worrying about it and I'd have what I wanted - a physical copy of my book. Then I thought that was stupid. Then everyone was so excited about it. Nearly everyone I talked to was saying how they wanted to get a copy.

*Shrug* Now what? Is this God blatantly putting up a block, telling me it's not yet time? Is this Him saying to stop - this isn't the avenue? Why can't I get neon lights? I never notice the subtle things. Ever. I need the foghorn.

Maybe that's my problem.

Currently Writing and/or Editing: Absolutely nothing. And I think I might go mad.
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "When the Stars Burn Down (Blessing And Honor)" by Phillips, Craig and Dean

One of Those Silly Little Things

Writers of Fantasy and Science Fiction are bound to know what I'm talking about.

When we crazy writers decide to start writing a story about an ancient culture, new species, alien race, off-shoot Human culture, etc. we tend to come up with wacky names. Not only for our characters, but for the countries, roads, houses, mountains and the like. So, us being the semi-OCD people we are, we make our word processing software learn all of these names. Simply because the little red squiggly lines irritate us.

At least, I do this. For all I know, I'm completely alone on this front. Something tells me I'm not though.

Here's an example:

All names copyright to me :)

See what I mean? It's that one little thing that puts a hiccup into a computer transfer that most people don't need to worry about. Even very Human names, like Skylar and Alaster (which, by the way, are incorrect for Google Chrome too), come up as misspellings. Though they're used and, I think, fairly recognizable. At least Alaster is. Skylar is unique.

This is just one thing Science Fiction and Fantasy writers get to do. We get the honor of massive red squiggly lines adorning our manuscripts when we open them on other computers. We get to see special characters (like mine for book three), turned into some other random font the computer thought best fit that missing font. We get to teach our computer about our world just like we do our audience.

It's kind of fun doing insane things.

Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Sleep" by Polyphony and Stephen Layton
^Random tidbit - this is my most listened to song on my iPod. Not even kidding. It's my absolute favorite.

The Seasons

Right now I'm not at a job I necessarily am enthused about. Working in retail for the rest of my life doesn't sound like my ideal position, but I'm always trying to remind myself that I'm where I need to be for the moment. Every day I make as valid an attempt I can at asking God to show me why I'm where I am. To help me endure the rough days and to praise Him for the good ones.

Yesterday, two good things happened.

The first of which was, three of my customers asked me about my necklace. I have a crown of thorns necklace that I've had since the year the Passion of the Christ came out. When I was younger (and even now), I'd had cross necklaces, but they always felt empty to me. The world had lost the understanding, the weight behind what the cross meant. How it could be beautiful and awful at the same time. I liked them enough, but I wanted something different. Something people would ask about.

I've taken to wearing the necklace every day at work. Just something small (like my promise ring), that can set me apart and maybe, just maybe, help witness to others. I'm sure I fail on a regular basis. But I still try.

Then yesterday, those three customers asked what it was. It opened the doorway for short conversations with each of them. One was definitely a believer, while one was obviously not. The last person that asked me was a woman who was faxing the death certificate of her best friend and sister-in-law.

I can only hope that somehow my brief talks with each of them helped them in some way.

The other good thing that happened was: I got a job nibble. One of my customers (not only is the mom to a once-fellow associate), has to clients that are editors for magazines. One of them is interested in me. So last night I emailed off my resume to her. I'm excited to see what happens with it. Because working retail, while it's great to have a job right now, is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. There's far too much I want to accomplish outside of these cramped walls and massive windows.

So wish me luck. And prayer. Prayer is always a good thing in times like these.

Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Promise" by Thomas Bergersen

Apologies

I've been taking my time in reading through Genesis via physical copy and have found many a mistake. So for those that have bought the book, I wish to extend my deepest of apologies. Not only have I probably put my worst foot forward, but I've wasted your time and well-earned money. You deserve better, as do my characters.

If you truly feel slighted, let me know. I will gladly purchase a new one for you and mail it to you. No one should be forced to keep something they don't like/can't use. And to be honest, I hope that my books keep you coming back to revisit the story. I know that they constantly beckon to me, but I've also written a story I knew I wanted to read.

News unrelated to my sorry excuse for a first publication:

Arthurian lore is eating at my brain. Reading The Once and Future King doesn't help matters. However, it still calls to my attention at nearly all hours. I can't wait till August so I can let my fingers fly across my keyboard in story-telling again. Exploring this story gets me excited. Many questions will be answered for me and even more will be posed, of this I'm sure.

With every road I travel down regarding my world, I find stories, characters and histories I find captivating. It's why I think I'm always searching down those roads. There's always more story to tell, if I really wanted there to be. Every world, I think, has the potential to grow into something harking of reality. It draws us in and can, if the author allows it, to enthrall and devour a reader's attention.

And that is my sincerest hope for you when you read my books. If I have not done this, well, then I have obviously forgotten something. Or perhaps something was lost. Regardless, it won't be recognized by a larger audience until I get a story that doesn't just grab me. Because boy, does it ever snatch my attention away. I was five minutes late from my lunch today at work because I was so caught up in a story I wrote.

As absurd as this is, I was giggling at my own writing - not because it was bad. But because I actually found it funny.

Lord willing, all will be as I strive for.

Currently Editing: Genesis
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets

Waiting...

The other day I wished an unofficial cousin a happy birthday. She wound up replying that she was excited about my book. I then replied that I was excited to see where it was God was going to take it. Then I sat back and thought about things.

I've been waiting my whole life to see where God will take this story.

That might be a gross exaggeration.

Regardless, I've been waiting a long time to see where it is God will take the story I've written. At first, when I hit submit on CreateSpace's website and nearly was pinching my eyes shut in terror, I was more scared than anything. But as the days have passed and as I've grown accustomed to my coworkers and friends asking how things are going and many people telling me how proud they are of me, I'm not so scared anymore. It's hovering somewhere out there, but I choose not to acknowledge it.

Now, I'm simply excited. I have no clue where this is headed. I don't know to what end this all will bring me. Only that I've done it. Only that I have faith that this will somehow be a doorway for my future. And if it turns out that this is actually a brick wall, well, then we'll start over. Try something different.

Life is a grand adventure. If we allow it to be.

I'm currently bombarding my room with noise and book-related stuff (poems my friend wrote, artwork, Nanowrimo awards, etc.). Every now and then, I really like when I'm the only person in the house. Later tonight I'm gonna try my hand at drawing concept art again. I'm on a kick with that.

Eventually I need to get back to reading The Once and Future King. August will eventually arrive and as I've mentioned before, I don't feel like just glossing over my next book.

Happy writing everyone!

Currently Editing: Genesis (via physical copy! It'll be a fun copy when I'm done with it.)
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "God's Not Dead (Like a Lion)" by Newsboys

P.S. - There's now a Kindle edition of book 1! Link is on the right for those who want to read digitally.

All Grown Up (Sorta)

The highest high point of my life has arrived.

Graduating college was great. Watching my best friend get married was fantastic. Writing all five books of the End Game series in a year was phenomenal.

But holding an actual, professional bound copy of Genesis takes the cake (and probably ate it too).

Every time I see it sitting on my bookshelf or take it to show a family member that has yet to see it, I start grinning. Holding it in my hand, fingering through the pages, reading the story in this new medium. It's all so exhilarating. I sort of want to jump around and dance and scream. I even tried to take a picture of myself with the book. My webcam sucks and I don't look recognizable without my glasses on.

So you'll just have to make do with this lovely picture of me.

My book is all growed up. Kinda. I explained to my brother that it's as though my book just graduated high school. In a few years, it'll graduate college, be picked up by a publishing house and go off into the real world.

Meanwhile, I'm reading The Once and Future King like a crazy person, though I don't plan to follow that framework for my Arthurian lore story. That's a little more romanticized and, I'm fairly certain (don't quote me on this), that it's through this version of the story we get the whole idea of Lancelot and Guinevere having a love affair behind Arthur's back. Which is not happening in my version of the story.

Oh, and I redesigned the blog. Obviously. I'm attempting to figure out how to transform this into my official author website. Right now I feel like I've got two jobs: one pays the bills and the other is scraping along meagerly. And, of course, the meager one is what I want to do for the rest of my life. How silly is that?

I'd say only a crazy person would do it.

Happy writing everyone!

Currently Writing: Nothing. And it's driving me a little bonkers.

Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White

Currently Listening to: "Hymn to Life" by Thomas Bergersen

Find the Target

Today, my brother bought me a bow. Not just any bow, but a Bear Archery Inc. Recurve bow called the Cheyenne. It's probably around 4 feet tall, 45 pounds, and is absolutely beautiful. See?

See?! Isn't is stunning? Totally expensive and it's my birthday/Christmas present for the next five years. I'm super grateful though. Not only is this my new favorite toy, but it's also tons helpful for my next book. I'm learning broadsword work, but now I've got a phenomenal bow. My arrows are great, and aside from the quiver, I've got everything I need.

This post isn't just me talking about how awesome my brother is to go spend oodles of money on me, but because of how important I think getting physically into your character's surroundings is. Holding what your character holds, feeling the weight of their weapons, clothes, and environment helps not only put you, but your writing (and then naturally, your readers), right into your characters shoes.

The next book I plan on writing is based on Arthurian lore. Naturally, learning broad sword & shooting arrows will help me get into my character's mindsets. It's why I want to travel the world for my character's understanding of where they come from. Naturally, at the moment, I can't afford that.

Well, I just wanted to let the world know I got a bow :) That's about it.

Oh, and my book is going to be for sale. Starting tomorrow, it'll be available. I'm excited, and I hope to fight for the book as much as possible. Wish me luck. It'll be the start of an interesting adventure.

Happy writing!

Currently Reviewing: Unity
Currently Reading: The Once and Future King by T.H. White
Currently Listening to: "Las Vagas" by Two Steps From Hell

Faith

It's a funny thing. You have to just have blind faith sometimes about some things. Faith that something will work out the way you've been dreaming of. Faith of a promise being fulfilled with absolutely no proof that it'll actually come to pass. Faith that one day, your hurting friends will find peace.

I have to remind myself of these things. Because I can do very little on my own. All in all, I'm a fairly helpless creature.

Thus I have left the ledge and jumped off a cliff. Will I fly? Will I die? Will this be the end of a dream, or only the beginning? Or neither?

The absolutely beautiful, crazy thing is: I'm not worried.

Huh.

Happy writing everyone :)

Currently Rewriting: Unity

Currently Reading: Auralia's Colors by Jeffrey Overstreet

Currently Listening to: "Stars Burn Down" by Phillips, Craig & Dean

Leaping, Hoping to Fly

Have you ever heard of CreateSpace? Two days ago, I hadn't.


Apparently, as a winner of NaNoWriMo, I can get 5 free copies of my book. Bound, pretty, and with a cover printed and all sorts of professionalism-ness that I'm yearning for.


The catch is, now it's out there for the masses too. Which means...inadvertently, I have unleashed End Game: Genesis into the world. In theory, I could cancel the account once I get my 5 free copies and maybe travel down this road later on in life. Or, I can just let it sit out there as I search for an editor. Does that make sense? Would an editor want someone who already has the book out for the masses through CreateSpace?


Now, almost at 3 in the morning, I find myself in this tangle of emotions. I'm elated and timid and excited and a little worried and a lot unsure. Have I made the right step? Is this where I'm meant to travel? Have I veered off the path I'm meant to stick to, simply because I'm impatient? Or, by some great grace of God, have I, in my terrified stumbling, wandered right where I need to be?


I simply don't know.


However, I'm not going to lie. When that proof comes and I have my book in professional bound-ness, I very well may scream out loud so high in pitch I won't recognize myself.


Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Reading: Auralia's Colors by Jeffrey Overstreet
Currently Listening to: "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real


P.S. - Today is my birthday. Around 7 this morning (only 4 hours away!), I turn 24. Let's hope for another amazing year filled with God's promises and possibly even some unknown adventures.

Inspiration

I think most writers strive for one of a few things: some level of acceptance of their stories (and by extension, themselves), self-actualization, and to inspire others.

At least, that's what I think. The truly greatest writers weren't writing because they wanted to be looked at as the greatest. They were writing stories they liked and they wanted to drive others to do something extraordinary. Even if that extraordinary thing might simply to be to save a seat for someone on a bus. Personally, I really want to inspire people.

I want my stories to make people sit back and go, "That was great. I want to write a story like that/draw a picture based on this/write a song about this/etc." To fuel someone else's creativity would be fantastic. Additionally, if I could help someone realize their talent, well, then that's phenomenal.

Once again, I count myself blessed. See, I've already attained that goal of mine. In a few ways, but among which is that this past weekend, one of my friends gave me a drawing she did based on my book. Then she went into a long talk about how she has all of these other drawings she wants to do of scenes from my books. It's crazy enough that a year ago, she wrote me a poem based on the first book, but to know that she's still becoming inspired to now draw things from the stories...that's just...

Indescribable. It's awesome and wonderful and gives me this great fuzzy feeling. I guess it's what reaching a goal feels like. To arrive at a finish line you didn't really know existed. It was this thing that floated around in space that I knew would be cool, but I never actually assumed it would reach some level of actuality.

I guess I'm just lucky.

In other news, I completed Camp Nano. For the next month, I plan on spending my free time editor hunting. Or...terrifyingly enough, possibly using CreateSpace to self-publish. Oh the possibilities.

Currently Writing: Zero Point
Currently Reading: Auralia's Colors by Jeffrey Overstreet
Currently Listening to: "Pharaoh's Throne" by LittleKuriboh