Hearing

It's funny how God talks to us.

At the beginning of this school year, I felt pretty 'tight' with God. I went on nightly walks for an hour and just talked to Him. Out loud, unashamed of the fact that, physically I was talking to the air, but spiritually I was talking to my Father. Then the semester took hold and winter hit and it got cold outside. And then Spring semester came and I worried more about grades than I did my quality time with God.

Now here I sit, back at step 1 where picking up the Bible to read for even five minutes is a chore again. I'm frustrated with myself for having fallen into the trap that so easily offers an excuse. Time. It's something I hate and yet, I can do nothing for the time that has passed. Here on out, I can only change the here and now, hoping for a brighter future.

I was perusing friend's pages on Facebook and came across an old friend's page. For kicks and giggles, I decided to check out his tumblr (the more I search the web, the more I think I need a tumblr). Three entries long, I found myself captivated by the depth with which he wrote. The more I read, the more I felt like I understood exactly where he was coming from. He was merely putting it into words that I had never thought to formulate.

And then, somewhere around his third entry, I felt a soft nudge on my heart.

I was being confronted in a point-blank manner to accept that I cannot do anything to change the world, let alone the people that inhabit it. There was a necessary acceptance of the fact that my desire to change the world was actually getting in my way. I had to let God change people, not think that I could change people.

For about a year now, I've had this crazy notion floating around in my head that what I was writing were my books. And then at some point, I thought that wasn't right, and instead they were God's books. But I so easily slip back into the notion that somehow, I have come up with this vast insanity that in some way, might resemble a reasonable plot for a story.

How easily I fall.

I tend to get this absurd thought in my head that, "I'm good enough for now". Not that I don't need to grow. No, it's worse than that. It's more that I think that with my age, with my spiritual maturity, I am on a good foundation in comparison to other believers my age. I place myself above others, thinking that I'm somehow on a better foundation than they are.

I negate my own thinking just by thinking it. Pride riddles away at that foundation and before I know it, I'm back on the cold ground while the other 'lesser' individuals I thought myself so much better than are higher up, looking down at me saying, "What are you doing down there?"

All I can reply is, "I don't know."

Am I willing to be nothing? Honestly? No. I never have been. It's why it grates so harshly against me. I desire to be noticed, to be seen. Reality always shows me the opposite, but I still keep kicking my feet and hammering the ground with my arms in an attempt that someone might ask what's wrong. Worse than my impromptu temper tantrums are the times when I do something and instantly wish to be recognized for it.

How prideful am I?

All of these years I thought "I've got that whole pride thing down. I'm perfectly fine being the last one there, last one picked, least among the best, etc., etc., etc." It's merely through this new lens that I suddenly realize that pride is actually a rather large demon of mine. I just always thought that I was better than that.

I claim that I'm not here for me, I'm here on Earth for God. I avoid temptation as best I can, I say my prayers every day, etc. But somewhere inside of me, I still harbor those good things I do and stock them up. As if God is tallying me against others. Why do I care about the tally? Why do I care how much I may or may not have done?

For the past few months, I've thought that either God is being silent, or I'm not listening properly. I think that tonight (or this morning. I guess it's morning), I've realized I probably wasn't listening properly.

We all lose our way sometimes. I just need to learn to accept those stumbles as opportunities to learn how to make myself a better individual and a better Child of God.