Lackluster

Another November, another NaNoWriMo. I find myself entering this year's goal with a lackluster manner. Almost a "meh" mentality. Like I can't get myself to be excited about writing. Which seems so strange. After such a phenomenal year my senior year of college where I spat out book after book, I don't know how to get myself back onto the bandwagon.

I look back at my writing life and think about how it all happened. If I'm honest with myself, I see a pattern forming. I write a book (or several), and then take a five year hiatus where I don't write much of anything. That's what happened before. I wrote my first draft of my first book and then didn't do squat for close to three or four years. Then I word-vomited five books and a novella in a year. And now here I am, struggling to find the words to even write a short blog post.

I don't know if this is due to a lackluster view on life that I have at the moment, or if this is due to simply a lackluster view on my writing. You're always your worst critic - or so I believe - and because of that, I think I, like many others, am prone to thinking too little of myself and my talents. Part of that is simply because I don't want to be big-headed. But there's something to be said for having at least a little pride in what you do and how good you are at it.

So, essentially, I'm going to tackle another NaNoWriMo and this year my hope is that when it's over, I find myself enlivened to write something new. Or at the very least, to really reengage my pursuit of publishing. I lost that fire pretty quickly when none of the agents responded or turned me down. Which seems silly, 'cause I know that there's always a million no's.

If I'm brutally honest with myself though, I admit that those million no's have 100% gotten to me in the worst way.

Exhaustion is the New Normal

Holy CRAP it's been a while. Proof that I've been spending a lot of time at work.

So, as I said almost three months ago, I'm at a new store. It's been a pretty rough ride these past few months. Lots of changes in the building (some directly because of me pointing out problems), and a good deal of insanity has resulted in me becoming nearly burnt out.

Why you ask? Because last Tuesday, my district manager walked into the building and declared our store a radical recovery. That led to me working a twenty and a half hour day. That's right. I walked in at 6:45 in the morning on Tuesday. I didn't leave until 3:15 Wednesday morning.

Yeah.

I'll be honest though, I'm learning a lot. Sure, I'm exhausted and can't wait until I have a vacation. But at least I'm trying to remain positive. I know I'm running low on my personal battery known as energy, however I think that all in all, this whole experience will merit some good growth on my end. So as I was blocking my store at 2 am last Wednesday, I remember thinking, "God is preparing me for something. I don't have a clue what it is, but He's certainly getting me ready for it."

Now I'm just kind of wondering what that something is. It's around the corner, it's just beyond reach. I'll just keep walking until I get to whatever that something is.

Meanwhile, I've had Pinkerton almost three months now. He's a huge cuddle bug, eats too much, sleeps all day while I'm at work, likes to chase squirrels up trees, and has a new best friend in Niki's new puppy. Right now he's acting like a cat and oozing off my bed as he sleeps. And there's white fur everywhere. I vacuum three times a week and it never ends.

For you writers out there, get your pens ready! NaNoWriMo is on the horizon! In just one short month, the race to a completed novel will begin. Originally, I was going to rewrite my third book because it very desperately needs it. However the other night, I was talking with a friend and he requested that I write a story about his life. A biography of sorts. He's excited about it and I've never done anything like that before. And seeing as I've been exploring all sorts of new things lately, I thought, "Why not?"

So sharpen the pencils and get your pen refills kids. The adventure is only just beginning.

Currently Reading: Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief
Currently Listening to: "Clarity" by Zedd

Last Day

It's been an incredibly surreal week for me. My dog Pinkerton is acclimating well to my house (easy to do when half of his past week has been solely with me around and the rest of my family gone), and I've spent a good amount of time sort of revamping the way I do things around the house. What with tearing my room apart, getting a larger bed, trying to finagle way too much stuff into one tiny space, and shove too many books onto one single bookcase.

What's made it the most surreal is that as of 3 o'clock this afternoon, I no longer work at the Staples store I've called home since I started there in the summer of 2007. Sure, I took a hiatus while away at school, but obviously I came back. Now, a smigin over a year later, I'm getting super promoted (I'm bypassing a lead position and moving straight to a supervisor which is like, right under a manager) and leaving the store and the associates I've come to know and love.

It hit me hard yesterday when I started the goodbyes and I hugged one of the guys I've known since 2008. As he hugged me I anticipated a rough, "Now get out of here!" and then a jocular smile. Instead, he started saying how I was gonna kick ass and be great at the new job and how he was excited for me. I almost started crying. Because I respect this man a lot and to hear him very seriously say that to me on my last day working with him (for now), I suddenly realized what I was doing.

I was leaving home.

That's what this is. I'm going to a larger, darker, and slightly disasterly store. My commute isn't much longer so that's not an issue. It's simply the fact that I'm walking on in as a supervisor to these people and I don't know who any of them are. I've been so spoiled this past year by walking back into my old store, knowing 60% of the staff and becoming fast friends with the remaining 40%. Now, I like to think I'm easy to get along with, but nonetheless, I had it easy coming back.

Everything is about to change. I pray for the best. I hope this winds up being exactly what I need. But above and beyond all of this is that I'm sincerely hoping that somehow, someway, I find my way back home again.

Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Listening to: "The Call" from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Rejected

If there's one thing you learn to handle well as a writer, it's rejection.

Although that can be said for most jobs in the creative world. Acting, directing, writing, sculpting, drawing, etc. all come with a requirement that whoever the creator is had better be prepared to get a million "no"s. I've heard back from two agents and they've both told me that my book wasn't a good fit for them. Which baffles me, because based on their profiles it should have been.

This is an area of the writing life that can be incredibly disheartening. Getting told over and over again that your world isn't meshing with someone can make you re-evaluate everything. That's where doubt begins to run its rampant storm in your mind. What if no one likes it? What if it isn't good enough? What if I never get someone to support me? What if, what if, what if.

What a horrible two word phrase.

Ever notice how 'what ifs' always steer toward the negative? Why can't we say, "What if the book is so awesome that it gets a fanbase of its own and I can't keep up with them all?" Well, I know why we can't say those things. Those sorts of things can be considered "arrogant" and "pompous". I like to think that "what ifs" are the natural progression to keep our egos in check. For some people though, the 'what ifs' are so overwhelmingly frequent that they can't even begin to look on the bright side.

I know everyone hears it, but take it seriously: take rejection with a grain of salt (where did that phrase even come from?). Seriously. You're gonna hear it a lot. Regardless of your field, you will hear it. Rejection is a part of life and sadly, it's gonna be huge part of your book's life too. One day there will be a 'yes', and when that day comes, it won't matter how many 'nos' you got. 'Cause all it takes is one 'yes'.

Currently Editing: Unity
Currently Listening to: "Galaxies" by Owl City

Turning 25 Eh?

This is gonna be a good bit of reminiscing.

When I was eighteen and had just begun to formulate the general idea of what the End Game series would become, I remember thinking through what I hoped to do by the time I turned thirty. I had just read Eragon by Christopher Paolini and, though I felt a good chunk of his book was a rehashing of Tolkien, I still felt like somehow I too could be empowered to write a book and become published before I was thirty. In fact, I had this little daydream that was all about how I would become a published author before I turned twenty-five. I turn twenty-five on Friday.

Obviously, that little daydream didn't come true.

Although I don't feel like I'm approaching my birthday. I know I'm approaching a celebration because I'm going to New York state to spend three days with a good chunk of my college friends. But do I feel like a doomsday-esque mile marker is on the horizon? Nope. Can't say that I do.

At the same time, I feel as though I've let myself down. I had such great aspirations when I was nineteen and wrote the first (awful), draft of Genesis. I thought I'd at least have the first book published by this point and that there would be great anticipation for the following books. Now, reality has a way of laying things out differently then we think is best. I've found that these instances are the times when I need to be content with what's happening because in the end, whatever is around the corner is better than what I originally had planned.

Roughly every week (I'm gonna be taking this week off 'cause I'm getting myself ready for my dog and will be spending the latter half of the week in New York state), I've been sending 2-3 queries out to agents. Naturally, I haven't heard back from any of them. It makes me wonder if perhaps I've done something faulty in the process of sending the query. But getting caught in the "what ifs" never helps me in the slightest. So I try to stop myself as quickly as possible to keep from wandering down that rabbit hole.

So I'm gonna embrace the age of twenty-five. It's just another day. Just another year I happened to experience. It was a wild year, that's for sure. But I'm grateful for all that it's offered. The ups and the downs. 'Cause all along the way I've been learning.

Adventure well everyone! This'll probably be the only post I do. Especially come Wednesday. I'm rather excited for the weekend.

Currently Editing: Unity

Currently Listening to: "When Can I See You Again?" by Owl City