I've been looking for internships for the summer. While I've found quite a few that are incredibly promising, I find myself timid. I tell myself it's because most of these internships (if not all of them) are located in big cities - mostly in New York City. If I did land these internships, I would have to look into housing for a few months and have to actually live in these concrete worlds.
But is that an excuse?
I think I've allowed it to become one. I'm afraid of taking an internship, I think, because I think 'internship' and automatically I feel like I need to go buy new clothes that are more professional looking - skirts, dresses and poofy, frilly blouses. All things that make me cringe at the thought of wearing. In dresses I find myself feeling uncomfortable and restricted. In skirts, I feel like I'm exposed. In blouses, I feel like a clown wearing a suit that's supposed to inflate, but instead it just hangs on my body, the fabric worn out and tired - even if it is brand new.
Why does this terrify me? Because if that is the protocol of what I should be wearing to look professional, then I will be uncomfortable (granted, after months of wearing it, I might actually get used to it and deal with it), and with being physically uncomfortable, it'll make me even more likely to feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable.
One day, I might be taking a book to one of these houses, and as a writer, it's not quite as big a problem to look good - I mean, I'm sure it helps a lot, but at the same time, if you are caught on a bad hair day and you've already met these big corporation people, then it's not that big of a deal - it's a bad hair day. If you look like a beehive is sitting on your head and it's the first encounter...I'm sure I'd be sent to the 'discard' pile immediately.
I keep trying to remind myself that God will put me where He needs me and when He needs me. So, I work away and try to plot out an outline of what I have planned, but keep myself open to His calling and His plans for me.
Which is so much easier said than done.
Today I got the sudden inspiration to write my antagonist's life before he went bad. I know it's necessary, but I like him now. I felt nothing when I wrote about him getting hurt or something, but now I actually feel a connection with the character. Will this make it harder for me to justify hurting him? Or will I still be able to let the gunshot hit him in the arm and cause profuse bleeding?
I feel as though this entry was a long winded, not connected, rant about nothing.
Maybe it has something to do with recently watching Titan A.E. and laughing profusely at the soundtrack (or lack thereof). I find myself suddenly wanting to watch a good movie - like Inception. Perhaps in the next few days.
This weekend we've got more wedding planning in Jamestown - which promises to be fun and relaxing now that Shelly's found a place she likes for her reception.
Good night cyber space.
Resolutions: Write a skeleton draft of book two, grow closer with God, read more of the Bible, give more, ask for less.
