Thoughts On Life and Death

What is the purpose?

I pondered this question as I strolled into work today. As the rain began to fall on an abnormally warm day, I just began to wonder, in the grand scheme of things, what's the point? Why waste so much time, energy and overall stress on working at school, a job, getting money, etc, when in the end, none of it matters? I am going to die one day. I've accepted that fact and almost, in a way, welcome it. When I die, I'll go to heaven and live for eternity - so why work my butt off earning money that will not follow me into the real life I've been destined to lead?

These are the things I think about on a daily basis. I know; I'm kind of screwed up.

It's just that I don't understand the idea God's got behind me working so hard at school and spending all of my energies towards working so as to be able to pay off said school bills only to have it one day, ultimately, amount to nothing? I know this question will never be answered. I'll probably wonder about it endlessly until the day my heart decides to stop pumping blood into my brain. It's one of the things I can probably never, truly, grasp.

As a human being, I suppose we're just too stupid to understand our own purpose. Our own meaning behind our actions. Finding solace in the fact that God does is enough I guess. I'm just too stupid to admit that it is enough that He's got a better idea what's going on than I do.

As I've said in past entries, I really have come to enjoy TV shows like Bones, Heroes, and Fringe. As I watch these shows, I just have to wonder, do these people, that I sit down to watch on TV every week, ever grapple with the same questions I do? Do they ever contemplate their soul and what it means? Do they ever wonder what'll happen when they die?

I like to think that, eventually, the thought pops into people's heads where they think, "I'm gonna die one day. I wonder what'll happen". But the reality, I suppose, is that most people just don't care. They're content with the here and now and don't want to think too far ahead.

I just wonder how they survive like that.

"I have to poke you a couple of times first. And then when you didn't wake up, that's when I yelled Billy." "I'll just say, 'Hi, my name's Susan, and I'm a robot'." "Here's your new name tag." [holds up a piece of paper that says "Big Mouth] "Hey! Jack of all trades, master of none!" "Get happy." "Football players should not have their heads chopped off and continue to play." "How hard is it to write about yourself?"
"Oh, kajoodles!"
"So, apparently, three things all sound the same; trains, tornadoes, and a raging inferno."
"So what, it's the Father, the Son, and the Niece?"
"Who knows, maybe they [The Trinity] all have special names for one another. Maybe Jesus' special name is...Harry."
"Hey, God loves tone def people!"
"There's no brownie in this brownie."
"And then there's a song in between. It's like a good musical."
"A giant Jesus will come and stomp on people."
"It's only a lie if people believe what you say is the truth."
"Man, I wish I had footnotes."
"I just like how it says, 'the terrible wrath of God, who, by the way, lives forever and ever'."
"You'll love me dangit."
"I walk around and say, 'Hey Mac Daddy'! And no one knows what I'm talking about."

"It's the Devil's Bible?"
"It's the evil Bible."
"What, does it go 'muahaha' when you open it?"

"Everyone knows the song of Moses. In Heaven you kind of just know."
"Yeah, the worship leaders get their guitars and lead us in singing."
"It's kind of like in movies when everyone starts singing along - because they all know the words - and when the song ends everyone goes back to like, sweeping."

"It's the second book."
"That's the beginning."
"No, the beginning is Genesis. Hence the name."

"That's what causes people to commit suicide."
"Migranes?"

"Why do you think no one's allowed in the temple?"
"'Cause it's filled with smoke?"

That Accursed Borg Mentality

Is it so much to ask for people to have their own, individual thoughts? Or must everything be a shared consciousness?

This, of course, is regarding people - customers specifically. I could be standing around, twittling my thumbs, waiting for something to do. Enjoying time to just think, maybe get some cleaning done. And then, out of the freakin' woodwork, everyone decides they need this, that and the other thing, all right now, right away. It's especially frustrating at Copy Center, and what can make it worse is when they all require different machines and time.

It's almost as if people are afraid of doing things alone. Even standing at a counter waiting for something. Everyone seems so terrified of making their own single decision, and would rather walk around aimlessly, waiting for someone else to make a decision and then follow it.

But beyond this, what drives me nuts about people is their inability to admit that they screwed up. Some customers I have to deal with, I'll do diagnostics on or a tune up that tells me I should do a data transfer or a reformat or virus removal, but then they'll say, 'no I can do it'. Then, a couple of weeks later, they'll come in, the computer's crashed, and then they yell at me.

I love it when customers tell me that their stupid moronic ability to not listen turns into me ruining their computer. Even at copy center we'll have jobs like this, where customers get angry at us because they didn't listen to our advice.

I don't get paid and come into work to lie to people. I really don't. I don't sell stuff to people in false senses of security just because I like to laugh about it later when I'm sitting in the break room. We're retail people. Me, my coworkers, my managers, we're trying to help people. But naturally, everyone, in today's society, is so worried about spending too much money that they can't listen to reason.

I wouldn't sell something I don't believe in.

*Sigh*

Anyway, what's new in my life? Absolutely nothing. I spend my time at work and school, sleep very little, and am on the verge of getting sick with whatever has circulated through the house. Next week I start a horse riding class, which I'm looking forward to, but I'm somewhat frustrated at my choice of class times. I'm barely going to have time to sleep. I know I'm going to have to put my book on hold.

That's what's frustrating. All I want to do is write my book, get it into another draft, and then eventually publish it. But I can't do that in school. Not while working thirty-five hours a week at Staples. It just doesn't seem viable. Or healthy.

I'm done for now. Gonna go watch Bones some more before going to work.

It's Been A While

My life is relatively consistent. I've been spending a good deal of time watching the TV show "Heroes", which is essentially X-Men, but in a cool TV show. And the bad guy is immensely cooler. I guess I really watch the show for the character of Sylar. If you ever watch Heroes, I recommend not thinking too much.

I was reading reviews on imbd.com to see what some people thought of the show, and too many people aren't allowing themselves the ability to just sit and watch something unfold. To be taken away and swept away in a storyline. These people that hate the show all say the same things; 'the plots are too complicated', 'the characters are too predictable', 'they spend too much time with filler', etc. etc.

What do they expect? The writers and creators are trying to make it seem like a plausible, real world scenario. Lives occasionally get boring. Little mundaine things happen in everyones lives, and in the search to find the happy medium between 'always high adrenaline', and 'realistic storylines'.

But like I said, I'm mostly watching the show for Sylar. Some of the comments say that he only ever uses the one power that he stole, rather than using all of the powers he's taken. But what people need to remember is that Sylar's kind of screwed up. The reasoning behind his ability is that he wants to see how things work. It's not so much that he wants to use the abilities he takes, (he does, but it's not the main factor), he wants to know how their brain allows it to work. That's blatently obvious in season three, episode one.

But what do I know? I love fantasy and scifi stuff regardless of whether it's good or not. However, if Heroes lasts a while, which it definitely has the potential to, then I obviously was right about the show's ability to be amazing. Yes, there are some episodes that are boring as all get out, but every series has those episodes. I mean, Stargate, in it's ten seasons, had a good twenty or thirty episodes that were dull. It happens.

I enjoy the show. It's captivating. The backstories on the chracters are the best. There are occasions that I don't care for where they're taking the chracters, but I don't have any real influence against them. I'm just a viewer.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this show, for a number of reasons. But I guess I just thought it would be best to, instead, just kind of point out that every show has it's good and bads. And too often people don't allow themselves to get caught up in the mystery of a show. More likely than not, they continually say things like, "there's no logic". No duh! Logic flies out the window when you bring anything fantasy into the mix. Reality gets slightly skewed and most of the time, logic is gone. Sometimes it stays for a while, but normally, because we are human, and because the writers try to create characters that are believable and real, they allow them to get frustrated and make the wrong decisions.

Okay, now I'm done.

Oh, and by the way, the guy who plays Sylar is pretty much gorgeous. Like I said, the main reason I watch the show. He's got the best background and the actor is amazing at portraying him. It makes me smile. Good actors seem to be in short supply anymore.

Fall Is Almost Here

Thank God for that. Summer is far too hot for too long. I would really love summer if it wasn't for the heat. Tonight on my fifteen minute break I walked outside and decided to spend the time sitting against the wall of Staples and just breathe for a while. It was really relaxing actually.

Soon the leaves will crunch, the air will be crisp, and I'll be able to see my breath as I walk down the street. And, best of all, I can start to wear long sleeved shirts. Don't ask me why, but there's something about having a really comfortable shirt covering my arms is just the most excellent feeling ever.

I was trying to kill time this morning between classes, so I drove up to Quakertown to take a look at the new Best Buy up at the Target shopping center. And I must say, it's much smaller than I had expected. And, I once again was ignored by every associate in the building. Okay, one guy smiled at me and said 'hi', but that was it. I walked the whole building and no one really said anything, let alone asking me if I was looking for anything specific. Which is completely consistent with every other Best Buy I've ever been in.

My hair is getting far too long. I feel the need to cut it all off again. Although through a good deal of thought, I've decided that I'm just going to go and get it layered sometime soon so I can later donate again to Locks of Love. It's just a thought, but I'd like to do it again...as much as I detest the idea of having long hair again.

I've discovered that I'm basically 2IC (second in command) in Tech at Staples. Amy mentioned that when Bill isn't there I'm in charge and then vice versa. Which is pretty dang cool. I guess it makes sense; we're the only two techs. I have the feeling that things may change if and when we get more techs in the building. Who knows? Amy was pretty dang happy when I offhandedly said that I may want to pursue a management position with Staples down the road. But that's just Amy. Like I said, who knows?

My mom is pretty well cool with whatever I do for the rest of my life. She seems to think that my strange...habits...are cool and considers them a gift. I don't get how she sees that, but hey, she doesn't think I'm a freak. That's what I was worried about.

My story is coming along. I'm on chapter eight. I'm thinking maybe two or three more chapters left. Yeah, I think some of the chapters will wind up being cut down, but it is just a first draft after all. I'm half excited and half terrified. It's the idea that having someone else read and criticize the work I've put all of myself into for the past year and a half is pretty scary. I don't want to fear it, but I do. I guess that's normal.

I'm back to recording quotes. I took a break for a while and now my lfie seems so dull. So I broke down and started keeping track again. I've laughed too much between then and now to let those moments disappear into the recess of my mind.

I miss hanging with him. Is that a problem? I think it is.

What I've Been Up To

Absolutely nothing. Now, that's not to say that I haven't been working my tail off at Staples, but it goes to say that I've done next to nothing fun in the past...month?

Okay, okay, okay, so Nancy had some of her friends over and I laughed a bit. But it just made me feel lonely. I mean, I don't really have any friends anymore. It's rather pathetic really. I have acquaintances, yes, but no one that's like, ecstatic to see me and hang out with me. In fact, it seems to be that everyone I knew from high school, (with the exception of maybe, four people), has been perfectly fine blatantly ignoring me.

Yeah, about that random emo-depressive paragraph...sorry.

In other news, I, regretfully, am staying home for another semester. Then, God willing, I'll be able to transfer somewhere I actually want to be...maybe acquire a social life in the process.

Yeah, my life is rather dull. Sorry about that.

Maybe the next entry will be a bit more...entertaining? I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. And felt compelled to write. 'Cause that makes sense.

I really, truly, deeply, hate writers block. Why my mind comes alive at nightfall is beyond me. Curses.

OKAY! Enough. The next segment shall be how my mind set has been for the past couple of months and the countless hours and days and weeks I've been wanting to off myself from massive amounts of stress from working at Staples.
Example number one: "If I just keep working, maybe they'll give me a raise. I could use a raise. I could use more money. If I just save a bit more, stay at home and just do nothing and hope everyone I know is having fun, that'll make me feel a bit better knowing that they're having fun. That makes sense right? Yeah, it's not like I have to be with everyone forever...or all the time...yeah. It's fine. I'll just watch some TV."
Example number two: "Why am I bothering? Regardless, I'm still going to wind up being like, a trillion dollars in debt after school. I work my tail off, and still have to pay for my stupid car, and my stupid bills, and my stupid phone that no one calls me on. Why am I caring so much?"
Example number three: "AGH. What's the point? No one notices that I care, no one notices that I pray for them every night before I close my eyes to rest for the night. Why, oh why, must I harbor such unnecessary care for others?"
Example number four: "No one sees what I see. Why can't this stupid thing come together right?? Why can't I get one simple little thing like an idea to form into a coherent sentence so that some complete stranger can understand my thought process with all of this? Why am I stuck? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Should I be devoting so much time and energy to it? Is it worth it?"
Example number five: "My brain hurts."

This has been a moment in the mindset of a psychopath. Join us next week where we discuss my inability to hold a relatively close relationship with anyone without destroying it for no reason whatsoever other than to cause unrelenting pain and feelings of worthlessness.

If anyone actually read this, I'll give you a cookie the size of your head.