Hearing

It's funny how God talks to us.

At the beginning of this school year, I felt pretty 'tight' with God. I went on nightly walks for an hour and just talked to Him. Out loud, unashamed of the fact that, physically I was talking to the air, but spiritually I was talking to my Father. Then the semester took hold and winter hit and it got cold outside. And then Spring semester came and I worried more about grades than I did my quality time with God.

Now here I sit, back at step 1 where picking up the Bible to read for even five minutes is a chore again. I'm frustrated with myself for having fallen into the trap that so easily offers an excuse. Time. It's something I hate and yet, I can do nothing for the time that has passed. Here on out, I can only change the here and now, hoping for a brighter future.

I was perusing friend's pages on Facebook and came across an old friend's page. For kicks and giggles, I decided to check out his tumblr (the more I search the web, the more I think I need a tumblr). Three entries long, I found myself captivated by the depth with which he wrote. The more I read, the more I felt like I understood exactly where he was coming from. He was merely putting it into words that I had never thought to formulate.

And then, somewhere around his third entry, I felt a soft nudge on my heart.

I was being confronted in a point-blank manner to accept that I cannot do anything to change the world, let alone the people that inhabit it. There was a necessary acceptance of the fact that my desire to change the world was actually getting in my way. I had to let God change people, not think that I could change people.

For about a year now, I've had this crazy notion floating around in my head that what I was writing were my books. And then at some point, I thought that wasn't right, and instead they were God's books. But I so easily slip back into the notion that somehow, I have come up with this vast insanity that in some way, might resemble a reasonable plot for a story.

How easily I fall.

I tend to get this absurd thought in my head that, "I'm good enough for now". Not that I don't need to grow. No, it's worse than that. It's more that I think that with my age, with my spiritual maturity, I am on a good foundation in comparison to other believers my age. I place myself above others, thinking that I'm somehow on a better foundation than they are.

I negate my own thinking just by thinking it. Pride riddles away at that foundation and before I know it, I'm back on the cold ground while the other 'lesser' individuals I thought myself so much better than are higher up, looking down at me saying, "What are you doing down there?"

All I can reply is, "I don't know."

Am I willing to be nothing? Honestly? No. I never have been. It's why it grates so harshly against me. I desire to be noticed, to be seen. Reality always shows me the opposite, but I still keep kicking my feet and hammering the ground with my arms in an attempt that someone might ask what's wrong. Worse than my impromptu temper tantrums are the times when I do something and instantly wish to be recognized for it.

How prideful am I?

All of these years I thought "I've got that whole pride thing down. I'm perfectly fine being the last one there, last one picked, least among the best, etc., etc., etc." It's merely through this new lens that I suddenly realize that pride is actually a rather large demon of mine. I just always thought that I was better than that.

I claim that I'm not here for me, I'm here on Earth for God. I avoid temptation as best I can, I say my prayers every day, etc. But somewhere inside of me, I still harbor those good things I do and stock them up. As if God is tallying me against others. Why do I care about the tally? Why do I care how much I may or may not have done?

For the past few months, I've thought that either God is being silent, or I'm not listening properly. I think that tonight (or this morning. I guess it's morning), I've realized I probably wasn't listening properly.

We all lose our way sometimes. I just need to learn to accept those stumbles as opportunities to learn how to make myself a better individual and a better Child of God.

Future World

Today I got the opportunity to speak with the writer Jeffrey Overstreet in my Writing About Film class. If you don't know anything about him, here's quick snippit: he's written a fantasy book series called Auralia's Colors and is well known within the film world as a Christian film critic. His book Through a Screen Darkly is essentially my textbook for class. It's been really intriguing to see him comment on movies from a Christian viewpoint, but not to the extreme conservative that most Christians tend to 'review' movies.

As he spoke about his film reviews or answered my questions about book writing, I felt within me the same feeling of 'home' as I did when I was at the Writer's Conference last summer. Talking with other authors, agents and editors and sharing experiences and discussing books is something I've missed. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I have missed that world. That future world I hope and pray I will one day belong to.

One of the questions I had asked Mr. Overstreet (it sounds so formal, but I don't feel right calling him "Jeff"), was how hard it was for him to construct his fantasy book series. It's something I've been struggling with personally - trying to create the world I'm writing about, yet feeling as though I'm missing something vital that most authors seem to understand. I've found that I feel inadequate at times to write the book series I'm writing. As though I'm under-qualified for such a task.

However Mr. Overstreet's response helped to put me at ease. He stated that the first draft of his novel was written in 1996, but it wasn't published until 2006. 10 years. Is that normal? 10 years seems to the be the magic time limit. He continued to say that he had started out with a 70 page short story, and it progressed into a 4 book long series. That change had occurred through he and his friends asking questions about the characters, the plot, the setting, etc.

So I'm not on the wrong path?

It always seems as though I am. From my limited perspective, it looks as though I'm wandering around, waiting for something to occur. Some magic bolt of lightning to strike my brain to change everything. But what if there is no bolt of lightning required? What if I merely need to keep plodding along until something within the story changes?

I see a major difference between my experience and Mr. Overstreet's. He had friends asking questions. Inversely, I stand alone. My brother occasionally will approach me with a question or a comment, but those times are few and far between. And now that he's down in Tennessee for the summer, well...that means that the island I stand on is drifting farther away from other people.

Perhaps it's my own doing. Perhaps it's not. Maybe I just need to be patient. For some reason, I always think that I've got patience down to an art. Silly me. Patience is something that I can do well in some instances. But when it comes to my books, I find that I am so impatient I may as well be throwing a tempter tantrum at God. Yet He stills waits for me to calm down and then tells me that everything's going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Oh, and if anyone out there happens to know of a job I can have over the summer, I would greatly appreciate it. Apparently I'm inept at having one. I know God provides and all, but with my dad breathing down my neck about a job, it seems as though I might get killed if I don't find something.

Patience and trust. Oh how often I stumble.

For now, here's a pretty picture I found here: http://allthekngshorses.deviantart.com/favourites/43269878#/d27sjjj

EDIT*

Jeffrey Overstreet is one of my favorite people now. Why? Because he finds problems in Harry Potter that really SHOULD NOT be ignored. Children should not do things counter to what they're told (aka, break rules), and then be praised for it. I was so happy when he said that this morning.

The Wardrobe

My nephew is turning one year old in two weeks - holy wow. I don't know where the past year has gone! It feels like it was such a long time ago that my mom called me at six am to explain that I had to remember the name of the hospital my brother and sister-in-law were going to be having their baby because she couldn't remember.

So for the past month or so I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with an idea for my nephew's birthday present. I went through the usual: movies, music, books, toys, clothes, etc. And then I went shopping on Amazon.com (the only place I like to shop. Today I went out with my sisters to run some errands and nearly killed myself from the insanity that was found in parking lots and stores. It's times like those where I miss the middle of nowhere), anyway, upon shopping online, I decided to look for various versions of The Chronicles of Narnia for collecting. As I was looking through the available versions, I saw a pop-up book.

I'm uber excited.

I feel like I need another Narnia fan in the household. When I mentioned that, my sister freaked out and said, "I'm a Narnia fan! I just...haven't finished reading the books." I wanted to go reread the series solely because of her confession. She'll probably watch all of the movies long before she reads the books.

So I will attempt to steer my nephew toward them. He'll probably lose interest in them as he grows up - as that seems to be the normal turn of events for most people. I'm an anomaly.

It makes me happy that I've got another person to share the month of June with in the family! For the longest time it was just me out there all by my lonesome. Mallory is really close to my birthday too, but she's a July birthday. We tended to do things together anyway - like when we went to Red Robin and got free sandwiches for our birthdays :)

So two weeks or so after my nephew's birthday I'll be turning 23. Oh gosh. That feels weird. Before I know it I'll be in my thirties. And in two years my brain matures. That's a scary thought.

I've found myself frustrated lately at my lack of work ethic when it comes to working on my books. The crazy thing is, I'll get in a car and drive for a few hours (I've been driving to Williamsport to help my brother and sister-in-law with move in stuff), and get all of these great images flying around in my head that I want to expand on. Then I get out of the car and start working on something entirely different. By the time I get to a computer, the images are gone and the drive to write has left me.

I've been going through my room since I have to move back into it next weekend and came across all of the notes, scraps, and previous copies of my first book. It all fits into a copy box, and as I set it aside against the wall, I thought, "If I don't do this soon, I'll never finish it."

That thought scared me. Mostly because that's probably true.

So am I supposed to dive into it and let it consume me? Or does God want me elsewhere? Should my attention be on my books, or somewhere else? I feel no pull in any direction, which is probably my own fault.

I get so easily distracted. Maybe I should learn to turn off the internet. Seeing as that's where most of my distractions originate from.

In other news, this summer is packed. If it's up to me, this is how it will look: my nephew's birthday, going up to Crogan, NY for my friend Dana & my birthday (we share the same day), a week down at Ocean City, my best friend Shelly's wedding, work for a month straight, head back to Houghton for my final year.

Things will finally slow down in August. And that's if I'm given the opportunity to do everything I want to do. Right now I'm struggling to find a job for the summer. My usual job seems impossible to reach regarding when I'll be available to work. And on top of that, they probably won't be too keen on giving me a lot of time off.

*Sigh* It'll be okay. I just need to trust that God's going to lead me where I need to go. And hope that where he leads me is where money is - because otherwise, my father will have my hide.

"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

2011 Here we Come

Oh boy, has 2010 already passed? Are we already a year closer to the end of the world in 2012? Does anyone actually truly believe that when 2012 hits the world will end? Or does everyone see this as a farce?

I've been looking for internships for the summer. While I've found quite a few that are incredibly promising, I find myself timid. I tell myself it's because most of these internships (if not all of them) are located in big cities - mostly in New York City. If I did land these internships, I would have to look into housing for a few months and have to actually live in these concrete worlds.

But is that an excuse?

I think I've allowed it to become one. I'm afraid of taking an internship, I think, because I think 'internship' and automatically I feel like I need to go buy new clothes that are more professional looking - skirts, dresses and poofy, frilly blouses. All things that make me cringe at the thought of wearing. In dresses I find myself feeling uncomfortable and restricted. In skirts, I feel like I'm exposed. In blouses, I feel like a clown wearing a suit that's supposed to inflate, but instead it just hangs on my body, the fabric worn out and tired - even if it is brand new.

Why does this terrify me? Because if that is the protocol of what I should be wearing to look professional, then I will be uncomfortable (granted, after months of wearing it, I might actually get used to it and deal with it), and with being physically uncomfortable, it'll make me even more likely to feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable.

One day, I might be taking a book to one of these houses, and as a writer, it's not quite as big a problem to look good - I mean, I'm sure it helps a lot, but at the same time, if you are caught on a bad hair day and you've already met these big corporation people, then it's not that big of a deal - it's a bad hair day. If you look like a beehive is sitting on your head and it's the first encounter...I'm sure I'd be sent to the 'discard' pile immediately.

I keep trying to remind myself that God will put me where He needs me and when He needs me. So, I work away and try to plot out an outline of what I have planned, but keep myself open to His calling and His plans for me.

Which is so much easier said than done.

Today I got the sudden inspiration to write my antagonist's life before he went bad. I know it's necessary, but I like him now. I felt nothing when I wrote about him getting hurt or something, but now I actually feel a connection with the character. Will this make it harder for me to justify hurting him? Or will I still be able to let the gunshot hit him in the arm and cause profuse bleeding?

I feel as though this entry was a long winded, not connected, rant about nothing.

Maybe it has something to do with recently watching Titan A.E. and laughing profusely at the soundtrack (or lack thereof). I find myself suddenly wanting to watch a good movie - like Inception. Perhaps in the next few days.

This weekend we've got more wedding planning in Jamestown - which promises to be fun and relaxing now that Shelly's found a place she likes for her reception.

Good night cyber space.

Resolutions: Write a skeleton draft of book two, grow closer with God, read more of the Bible, give more, ask for less.

Thanksgiving

So what am I thankful for from this past 12 months? Oh, so many things.

I'm thankful for my re-dedication of my life to Christ. I'm thankful for a family that supports me in whatever I do and encourages me in the various things of life that sometimes cause me to worry. I'm thankful that my brother and sister (in law) have a healthy, lovely little boy who is teaching me a whole new kind of love I never thought I would understand. I'm thankful for the eye opening experiences I've been given just in the past six months of my life. I'm thankful for being so incredibly blessed by God with a father who works his tail off to supply me with the ability to go to college. I'm thankful that, even with the drama of school, I can attend a Christian college that challenges me in my faith. I'm thankful for 8 other girls at school who challenge me. I'm thankful for the trails and pain that I go through that only pull me closer to God. I'm thankful for the progress (or sometimes lack thereof), of my books. I'm thankful for the ability to wake up every morning, safe, warm, and knowing that I don't have to worry about where my next meal comes from. I'm thankful for a God that loves us so much that He became flesh and died for us so that we might know Him and join Him in Heaven.

And that's a short list.

But it's Thanksgiving break, and primarily, I'm thankful for the ability to be allowed to stay up till my lovely 3am and sleep till 9 and not have to worry about missing class. I got home around 11pm last night after dropping off two friends from Houghton and then was up till 3 attempting to work on anything, and then when higher brain function decided to allude me, submitted myself to sitting on my computer and played Bejeweled Blitz for an hour. In that hour, I was attempting to solve the world's problems, yet terribly inefficiently.

And then today I just slept in and then allowed myself the simple luxury of lying in bed till noon and rereading the Chronicles of Narnia. (FYI: December 10th The Voyage of the Dawn Treader comes out in theaters - be there!) And then I visited my good friend Carlen Wirth who will be gone for a year and a half in the mission field, and I can't wait to see her after her time there! It will be such a rewarding experience for her; I know it.

For now, I'm home until Sunday and plan to work on homework tomorrow (ah homework; the bane of my existence), and then have some turkey with the family and probably play a game while the football game screams from our backroom.

In other words, we will attempt to have an 'easy' Thanksgiving day and it will probably turn into chaos. Yep, that's how things normally are at the Markloff house. (Funny story, this blog's first suggestion for spelling of my last name is "Markdown". Because that makes sense.)

For now, I bid thee farewell and will attempt to work some more on my book proposal in case I get the nerve to send it out to another agent. (Rachel Kent sadly will not be my agent as she did not know any publishers or editors that would be print my kind of 'heavy fantasy'. Oh well, God's got it under control.)

Good night and happy Thanksgiving! You can officially listen to Christmas music and not look crazy :)