The Wardrobe

My nephew is turning one year old in two weeks - holy wow. I don't know where the past year has gone! It feels like it was such a long time ago that my mom called me at six am to explain that I had to remember the name of the hospital my brother and sister-in-law were going to be having their baby because she couldn't remember.

So for the past month or so I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with an idea for my nephew's birthday present. I went through the usual: movies, music, books, toys, clothes, etc. And then I went shopping on Amazon.com (the only place I like to shop. Today I went out with my sisters to run some errands and nearly killed myself from the insanity that was found in parking lots and stores. It's times like those where I miss the middle of nowhere), anyway, upon shopping online, I decided to look for various versions of The Chronicles of Narnia for collecting. As I was looking through the available versions, I saw a pop-up book.

I'm uber excited.

I feel like I need another Narnia fan in the household. When I mentioned that, my sister freaked out and said, "I'm a Narnia fan! I just...haven't finished reading the books." I wanted to go reread the series solely because of her confession. She'll probably watch all of the movies long before she reads the books.

So I will attempt to steer my nephew toward them. He'll probably lose interest in them as he grows up - as that seems to be the normal turn of events for most people. I'm an anomaly.

It makes me happy that I've got another person to share the month of June with in the family! For the longest time it was just me out there all by my lonesome. Mallory is really close to my birthday too, but she's a July birthday. We tended to do things together anyway - like when we went to Red Robin and got free sandwiches for our birthdays :)

So two weeks or so after my nephew's birthday I'll be turning 23. Oh gosh. That feels weird. Before I know it I'll be in my thirties. And in two years my brain matures. That's a scary thought.

I've found myself frustrated lately at my lack of work ethic when it comes to working on my books. The crazy thing is, I'll get in a car and drive for a few hours (I've been driving to Williamsport to help my brother and sister-in-law with move in stuff), and get all of these great images flying around in my head that I want to expand on. Then I get out of the car and start working on something entirely different. By the time I get to a computer, the images are gone and the drive to write has left me.

I've been going through my room since I have to move back into it next weekend and came across all of the notes, scraps, and previous copies of my first book. It all fits into a copy box, and as I set it aside against the wall, I thought, "If I don't do this soon, I'll never finish it."

That thought scared me. Mostly because that's probably true.

So am I supposed to dive into it and let it consume me? Or does God want me elsewhere? Should my attention be on my books, or somewhere else? I feel no pull in any direction, which is probably my own fault.

I get so easily distracted. Maybe I should learn to turn off the internet. Seeing as that's where most of my distractions originate from.

In other news, this summer is packed. If it's up to me, this is how it will look: my nephew's birthday, going up to Crogan, NY for my friend Dana & my birthday (we share the same day), a week down at Ocean City, my best friend Shelly's wedding, work for a month straight, head back to Houghton for my final year.

Things will finally slow down in August. And that's if I'm given the opportunity to do everything I want to do. Right now I'm struggling to find a job for the summer. My usual job seems impossible to reach regarding when I'll be available to work. And on top of that, they probably won't be too keen on giving me a lot of time off.

*Sigh* It'll be okay. I just need to trust that God's going to lead me where I need to go. And hope that where he leads me is where money is - because otherwise, my father will have my hide.

"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

2011 Here we Come

Oh boy, has 2010 already passed? Are we already a year closer to the end of the world in 2012? Does anyone actually truly believe that when 2012 hits the world will end? Or does everyone see this as a farce?

I've been looking for internships for the summer. While I've found quite a few that are incredibly promising, I find myself timid. I tell myself it's because most of these internships (if not all of them) are located in big cities - mostly in New York City. If I did land these internships, I would have to look into housing for a few months and have to actually live in these concrete worlds.

But is that an excuse?

I think I've allowed it to become one. I'm afraid of taking an internship, I think, because I think 'internship' and automatically I feel like I need to go buy new clothes that are more professional looking - skirts, dresses and poofy, frilly blouses. All things that make me cringe at the thought of wearing. In dresses I find myself feeling uncomfortable and restricted. In skirts, I feel like I'm exposed. In blouses, I feel like a clown wearing a suit that's supposed to inflate, but instead it just hangs on my body, the fabric worn out and tired - even if it is brand new.

Why does this terrify me? Because if that is the protocol of what I should be wearing to look professional, then I will be uncomfortable (granted, after months of wearing it, I might actually get used to it and deal with it), and with being physically uncomfortable, it'll make me even more likely to feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable.

One day, I might be taking a book to one of these houses, and as a writer, it's not quite as big a problem to look good - I mean, I'm sure it helps a lot, but at the same time, if you are caught on a bad hair day and you've already met these big corporation people, then it's not that big of a deal - it's a bad hair day. If you look like a beehive is sitting on your head and it's the first encounter...I'm sure I'd be sent to the 'discard' pile immediately.

I keep trying to remind myself that God will put me where He needs me and when He needs me. So, I work away and try to plot out an outline of what I have planned, but keep myself open to His calling and His plans for me.

Which is so much easier said than done.

Today I got the sudden inspiration to write my antagonist's life before he went bad. I know it's necessary, but I like him now. I felt nothing when I wrote about him getting hurt or something, but now I actually feel a connection with the character. Will this make it harder for me to justify hurting him? Or will I still be able to let the gunshot hit him in the arm and cause profuse bleeding?

I feel as though this entry was a long winded, not connected, rant about nothing.

Maybe it has something to do with recently watching Titan A.E. and laughing profusely at the soundtrack (or lack thereof). I find myself suddenly wanting to watch a good movie - like Inception. Perhaps in the next few days.

This weekend we've got more wedding planning in Jamestown - which promises to be fun and relaxing now that Shelly's found a place she likes for her reception.

Good night cyber space.

Resolutions: Write a skeleton draft of book two, grow closer with God, read more of the Bible, give more, ask for less.

Thanksgiving

So what am I thankful for from this past 12 months? Oh, so many things.

I'm thankful for my re-dedication of my life to Christ. I'm thankful for a family that supports me in whatever I do and encourages me in the various things of life that sometimes cause me to worry. I'm thankful that my brother and sister (in law) have a healthy, lovely little boy who is teaching me a whole new kind of love I never thought I would understand. I'm thankful for the eye opening experiences I've been given just in the past six months of my life. I'm thankful for being so incredibly blessed by God with a father who works his tail off to supply me with the ability to go to college. I'm thankful that, even with the drama of school, I can attend a Christian college that challenges me in my faith. I'm thankful for 8 other girls at school who challenge me. I'm thankful for the trails and pain that I go through that only pull me closer to God. I'm thankful for the progress (or sometimes lack thereof), of my books. I'm thankful for the ability to wake up every morning, safe, warm, and knowing that I don't have to worry about where my next meal comes from. I'm thankful for a God that loves us so much that He became flesh and died for us so that we might know Him and join Him in Heaven.

And that's a short list.

But it's Thanksgiving break, and primarily, I'm thankful for the ability to be allowed to stay up till my lovely 3am and sleep till 9 and not have to worry about missing class. I got home around 11pm last night after dropping off two friends from Houghton and then was up till 3 attempting to work on anything, and then when higher brain function decided to allude me, submitted myself to sitting on my computer and played Bejeweled Blitz for an hour. In that hour, I was attempting to solve the world's problems, yet terribly inefficiently.

And then today I just slept in and then allowed myself the simple luxury of lying in bed till noon and rereading the Chronicles of Narnia. (FYI: December 10th The Voyage of the Dawn Treader comes out in theaters - be there!) And then I visited my good friend Carlen Wirth who will be gone for a year and a half in the mission field, and I can't wait to see her after her time there! It will be such a rewarding experience for her; I know it.

For now, I'm home until Sunday and plan to work on homework tomorrow (ah homework; the bane of my existence), and then have some turkey with the family and probably play a game while the football game screams from our backroom.

In other words, we will attempt to have an 'easy' Thanksgiving day and it will probably turn into chaos. Yep, that's how things normally are at the Markloff house. (Funny story, this blog's first suggestion for spelling of my last name is "Markdown". Because that makes sense.)

For now, I bid thee farewell and will attempt to work some more on my book proposal in case I get the nerve to send it out to another agent. (Rachel Kent sadly will not be my agent as she did not know any publishers or editors that would be print my kind of 'heavy fantasy'. Oh well, God's got it under control.)

Good night and happy Thanksgiving! You can officially listen to Christmas music and not look crazy :)

I've Been Away

So much time has passed since the summer, and especially since my last post. Quite a bit has transpired since then, not much to the cause of 'holy crap my life has changed dramatically', but things have occurred.

My good friend Dusty Jo has become Mrs. Cradduck, and that was a very packed, yet fun filled three days. It was a great chance to see my very close friends from Houghton and spend some time with them outside of school and outside of work obligations.

Jon and Mallory now have a son named Caleb Reese Markloff who, as of today, is 3 1/2 months old. He's mostly muscle and enjoys trying to stand when given the chance. He's just like his dad. And as of his last doctor's visit three days ago, he really does not care for shots, (I can't say as I blame him).

My adventures at the Christian Writer's Conference down at Philadelphia Biblical University were eye opening and further solidification that the publication world is the world in which I wish to belong one day. I met with many charismatic agents and editors, all of which had good things to say about my first book. Currently, I have a book proposal off at Books & Such Literary Agency, and I pray that God has implemented the timing to be His and for the actions from here on out to be His. As the days pass and people ask how the book is coming and I inform them of the proposal out to Rachel Kent, (who was a fantastic person to chat with for 15 minutes, and I was honored to get to spend the time with her), I find the momentary worry of 'what if'.

And then I stop myself and remember that God has everything under control. He created the world, He can surely handle one book proposal.

While this semester at Houghton has been stressful to say the least, I have found more opportunities to learn who I am in Christ, and who God is as my Father, and His plans for me. While at times what He has called me for seem daunting and nearly impossible, when I speak with Him, He reminds me that through Him all things are possible. And I am grateful that He is so very patient with me at every turn.

I am tired, and as I said, stressed, but know that in the end of it all, this will seem like a small blip on the radar compared to what lies ahead. While the future is unknown to me, it is not unknown to God. He holds it all in His hands, and I can rest comfortably, (even if only for six hours a night), that my Father in Heaven watches over me and protects me. And with someone like that walking before me, beside me and behind me, who else need I fear?

Holy Heck!

To borrow the phrase from my good friend Shelly Manhart; holy heck!

To believe that the conference is next week is mind boggling to me. Is it already that time? Have we already approached mid August? Okay, so technically, no, we haven't, but I feel as though we have! Mostly due to the fact that this next week will probably fly by.

I stand currently on a draft number 4 of my novel, and I feel comfortable with it. I hope, pray and believe that this is what God wants from me, and that He will take this conference and mold it to His will, and not my own.

I just wish that I had more time.

I'm being perfectly honest. I feel exhausted, and I have work in ten hours (so I've got some time to sleep), but regardless, I've been running on far too little sleep, and at this precise moment, all I want to do is go ahead and write, edit, and revise. I don't want to go to Staples and wander about a building for eight hours, I want to pursue my book, I want to find God in it. I want to make sure that it's what He needs it to be, not what I want it to be. And it's hard to find the time - or rather make the time - to edit and revise the current draft I have. I'm proud of myself for reaching the landmarks that I have, and I feel accomplished, I would just love it if I could spend more time in it.

Technically, from drafts 3 to 4, there aren't many changes. A glossary, a few small edits here and there where grammatical errors were appearing and problems with my choice of description (which sucks by the way), and a prologue and minor chapter that will probably be axed because they really aren't necessary, I just felt they needed to be there. So for all I know, an editor or agent will look at them and say, "Why are these here?"

"Because I like them?" I don't know. I'm making this up as I go along. I'm only twenty-two after all.

Regardless of my age, however, I feel a cross between content and on edge. I know that the feeling of apprehension and the never ending nerves are things I need to turn to God for, because He'll take care of me, and I'm working on getting that to constantly be the case, not merely when I acknowledge that it is the case.

*Sigh* It's been a while since writing, and I felt I wanted to write some about where I was, if only for my own benefit. But as it is quarter after 1 in the morning, I should get to bed so as I'm not completely exhausted at work tomorrow...today...whatever.

Here's to God's grace and His plans to me. Let's see where He's leading :)