I Need to Vent

I need to get this off my chest before I explode from the overbearing weight of anxiety falling down on me.

So, I spoke to my parents tonight, and the conversation was good. I laughed with them, and I made them laugh, which is good to know that I'm still capable of doing such things. They're glad to know that I'm enjoying school so much and glad to know that Houghton was a good fit, as they thought it would be.

My mom leaves for a few minutes and I'm talking with my dad, which is cool. I'm happy to talk with my dad. But then, I'm sitting there talking, and I mention that my friend already has a boyfriend. About two minutes later, I completely regretted saying anything.

It's bad enough that I don't have a boyfriend. It's bad enough that I'm 21 and haven't experienced half the things I would like to say I've experienced. It's bad enough that I'm terrified of trusting anyone with my heart that I can't even look at guys because I'm afraid that they'll just turn around a laugh that a girl like me was looking at a guy like him.

And then my dad starts talking about it. He begins by trying to sound encouraging, wondering if I'd found any guys I was interested in and if so, what I was doing about it. I told him that I hadn't, and that I really wasn't looking. I'm trying - really trying - to just let that be God's thing. Because I failed so miserably last time, and it's obvious He's the only one who will help me find 'that guy', if there even is one for me.

And then it turned into something where it's my fault. My father, for all his loving ignorance, says, "You know, it is okay for the girl to ask the guy in today's society."

My heart just about broke.

That's all well and good father, but that's not me. Okay? It never has been. I want a guy that will be willing to take that chance. I know it's a vast long shot. That anyone would think that it's worth taking a chance on me. I'm the most average person on the planet. I'm not pretty enough to be popular, but I'm not ugly enough to be ignored. Instead, I just float around, wondering if anyone will ever think about the average looking girl alone the corner.

It's bad enough that my next door floormates all either have romantic interests on campus, or a boyfriend, and my room mate has a romantic interest. My other friends from across the hall all have boyfriends or husbands, or blatantly express a disinterest in men at the moment.

And meanwhile, I'm still sitting here. I can't do this! I can't just walk on up to someone I don't even know and be like, "Hi, wanna go date me?" First off, it screams rejection, and second, why would anyone even remotely attractive want to look at me, let alone date me? I'm screwed up to the core, and I'm so insecure that I don't even know what I'm good at. I second guess every action I make and bury myself in fantasy to escape the reality I hate.

I need a Tyron right now. I just need someone to tell me it's okay and wrap me in their arms and just hold me until it's over. I envy my main character. I want to be her, that's why I can't help but write about her.

That tightness in the chest. It's been growing ever since the last of the girls on the floor told me about the boy she's now attracted to. It shoves me out of the club that everyone on the inside knows the language and the feeling and can sit there and giggle about how they feel, which makes me want to scream in envy. Why can't I be that lucky? To just go for a walk and stumble upon someone that's nice and sincere and cute?

Do I have the bravery to post this? Do I dare to see if anyone reads it, let alone comments? Do I?

Of course I do. Because no one will read it.

Houghton College

If you don't know now, then you haven't known. I'm currently stationed at the lovely little Houghton College in Northern New York state. And, to be brief, it's awesome here. The first night I was here, a bunch of girls from the floor, (who are all transfer juniors by the way), myself included, got together to watch Beauty and the Beast. It wound up setting us all up for becoming a group that goes everywhere together.
It's actually really reassuring. I still feel as though I don't know many people outside of my floor, but in actuality, I'm only a week in and know a good deal of people and am continually walking up to someone I don't know and being like, "Hi! My name's Susan! What's yours?"
And the classes? Phenomenal. Really, these are absolutely astoundingly wonderful classes. At the beginning of each of them, my professors will say, "Okay, before we dive into the lesson, let's just quickly give a word of prayer up to God for the next hour of learning".
Whoa!
I almost screamed, "What are you doing? You can't do that in a school"! And then I remembered where I was, and saw that everyone around me bowed their heads and began to pray along with the professor. It warmed my heart to see so many people - even if it was only twenty or so students - bowing their heads in prayer before class started.
And then my floormates and I went off to be part of the Sunday night worship service, called Koinonia. It's not required, it's not even strongly advised. It's just a community thing that everyone plans to do on Sunday nights. And to see the chapel packed with students worshipping God was...breathtaking.
The only thing that's making me freak out is my writing classes. And it's not because of the assignments. No, it's because in both of them, the professors constantly are asking for us to share our work, or pass it to another student and let them read it and see what they get out of it.
*Gulp*
Yesterday it happened in both my Literary Non-Fiction class and my Fiction class (my fiction class is short stories. I'm not so good with short stories). In Non-Fiction, I had to pass off a reaction paper to another girl and let her read it and, essentially, see what she got from it. Whether or not I was capable of portraying what I wanted or not. The whole time I was sitting there, dreading everything. All that was running through my mind was, "What if she hates it? What if she thinks I'm completely weird? Why do we have to do this? Can't it be anonymous? Can't we pass the papers all around the room multiple times so no one knows who Susan Markloff is and where she's sitting? Can't I leave? Can't I just not pass it off to someone?"
I don't know how she, or my professor, reacted to it. Mostly because she wasn't asked to read about what she thought of my paper. Every time his eyes drifted to her, I felt my heart beat faster in terror. I was, truly, terrified.
And then what's worse, but I had to then go two floors down and read something of fiction I'd written!
Please, my life is boring and I can use that as an excuse in Non-Fiction writing, but in fiction, I'm calling the shots! I can be a terrible writer and no one will care in non-fiction because I can blame in on poor life experiences. But in fiction, I can be a terrible writer and then everyone will know it!
So as I read it, to a small group of only two other people, my hands trembled and my throat became dry. My face got red, I'm sure, because I could feel it getting hotter the more I had to speak. I was waiting for my voice to crack, but thank God it was only two pages long.
I continued to sit there, hoping to anything that I could just black out and not have to sit through the class. But then, to my complete and total terror, my professor - as kind as she seems - told us to read aloud a small section of an exercise we were doing. Taking a deep breath, so as to appear calm, I read my sentence, purposefully cutting it down so maybe it would go unnoticed amongst the others that would follow it, or precede it.
After we were all done, we then were allowed to make comments, whether or not we found something to be interesting that another student wrote. To my surprise, my professor commented on mine, saying that it was a good way to illude to the story's premise.
She looked at me, waiting for me to answer, and I just nodded that she was correct - it was a time travel story. But I was surprised that, in such a short sentence, she chose to hang onto two little words at the tail end of it.
I suppose that this whole experience of sharing what I'm creating is God's way of making me feel more - or less - confident in what it is I wish to do. I hope to be able to come out of this more confident than before. We will see that outcome in the coming years. But I truly have been terrified the past two days, wishing to not have to show anyone what I write. I fear it's inadaquare, just as I am.
Who knows, maybe there's hope for me yet.

The Harry Potter Rant

And now, for the long awaited (WRONG!) rant of mine on Harry Potter.

I do this so then I don't have to continually restate my reasons for finding it hard to understand why Harry Potter is entertaining/amazing/worthy of awards out the wazoo.

Now, as I stated in my Twilight rant, just because I'm writing this doesn't mean that I condemn J.K. Rowling's idea. And just as I enjoy the premise behind the Twilight books, it's the same idea with Harry Potter. I like the idea behind bringing the legends and folklore of wizards and other magic-ish ideas into the modern age. I can actually really appreciate it.

But that doesn't mean that Harry Potter is the greatest work of fiction ever.

Now, before anyone goes and reads this thing, I want to throw this out there; I will be going over things that can be considered spoilers. So if you haven't read all of the books and you don't want the endings spoiled in any way, then you should probably stop reading this. If you don't care, then read on!

The first point I want to make is the idea behind Harry's "unbelievable" power. This was a relatively interesting plot for maybe a book or two. But then it got boring. Especially when we found out why. The only reason Harry has any real power is because Voldemort inadvertently gave it to him. Voldemort is the only wizard at all in the entire series that has any true power unprecedented t the wizarding world. Without that, Harry's kind of a bumbling idiot.

The next point is the idea of the scar. Why a freaking lightning bolt? Because it was easy to have someone make-up on a human being? It's not like she ever explains why it's in the shape of a scar, or even why the scar is important by means of a physical ailment. Yes, I know, it sets him apart, it makes it evident that then he can sit there and say, "Ow! My scar!" But scars don't hurt! It's his brain that's hurting more than anything. A scar is merely a remnant of a past pain. True, this is meant for children, but there are people that are actually in their 30s and 40s that are going nuts over these books.

"Only I can defeat Voldemort!" Why is that exactly? Oh, right, because Voldemort put a piece of his soul into Harry, along with his power. So otherwise, no one can even try to fight Voldemort. Even though, I'm sure that if Harry were the strong wizard that he his (which he isn't), then he'd be able to train and help teach other people about what he knows. Instead, he just sort of sits around and mooches off of Hermione. I mean, think about it, Hermione is the only young witch with any real ability to use spells and be even remotely intelligent about fighting with little pointy sticks.

This then leads to the fact that Harry is, without a doubt, the worst leader ever to have been used in a story where a leader is crucial and important. Seriously, he's the most horrible choice out of everyone in the books. I mean, even Nevil eventually steps up and becomes a strong leader. But throughout all 7 books he's still the same whiny little child that gripes and moans about all of the stupid little things that happen to him. Leaders, true actual ones don't allow themselves to be affected by the frustrating/angering/upsetting/annoying things that happen in life. But instead, Harry lets literally everything get to him.

Take the beginning of book 4 for example. So Harry let's Sirius know about the whole "someone put my name into the Goblet of Fire and now I'm in the game" thing and Sirius, being an overprotective oaf, tells Harry he's coming to Hogwarts right away. A moment before getting this note, Harry had been happy talking with his friends. But the moment he reads the note, he suddenly, out of nowhere, decides that the best course of action is to punch the table in front of him and scream about how horrible he is for having told his godfather about the Goblet of Fire thing.

And thus, we as readers are then stuck with "Angsty Harry" for the rest of the freaking series.

And people want to call him a good leader? How do they see this? I'd love to know where they get that notion. And it doesn't have anything to do with the whole, "He has no choice, he has to be a leader against Voldemort". No, he really doesn't. Technically, Harry makes the choice that he's a leader and the only one who can lead anyone to victory against Voldemort. But in actuality, anyone of the kids from Hogwarts could stand up and be a leader - like Nevil does in the last book. But instead, everyone just goes along with the 'fact' that Harry knows better than everyone.

Okay, Harry's an idiot.

And don't go saying "it makes him believable". No, it really doesn't. It just makes him look stupid. I mean, what 11 year old decides to take matters into his own hands and go after the diabolical madman that's trying to kill everyone in the world? Not even actual stupid children do things like that! Kids in the real world, especially at 11 years old, don't think that they're better then the rest of the world that no rules apply to them. Rules, like when teachers/parents/authority figures tell you to go to bed and stay there, shouldn't be disobeyed. I mean, think back to book number one. When Harry, Mr. 'I'm-the-boy-who-lived-therefore-I-know-better-than-anyone-and-can-beat-a-seasoned-evil-wizard-but-no-one-else-can', decides that he'll take matters into his own hands, go mess with a huge Cerberus named "Fluffy" (how dare you name an awesome mythical creature THAT?!), go risk his best friends lives, risk his own life, and hunt down the man that already almost killed him. If Harry had just stayed in his room, like he was told, then Dumbledore would have come back to Hogwarts and stopped Voldemort or whomever he was fused together with at the time, and the whole thing would have been over!

So this means that stupid children do not grow up to be amazingly awesome leaders in battles for earth!

The next point is the whole "Ron & Hermione" relationship thing. Now, I've already had debates about this with people, and they all say the same thing: "I know they're meant to be together because they end up together in the books!"

Woopdee-freaking-doo. I know that they end up together. I'm not an infant. I did read the books. That however, does not mean that they would actually live a happy, long life together. I say the two together because they'd either have marital problems that led to a divorce or an affair, or they'd kill one another. Seriously; I have never seen two complete opposites like them get together and stay together for the rest of their natural lives. I know that this is fiction and what not, but Rowling did base the story in the real world. So therefore, the logical end to this is that IT WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

My last point, because I'm tired of typing, is about the ending. This alone will take a while for me to go on about. The first thing I'd like to say is: a trainstation? With Dumbledore? What kind of crazy kid is this?

Anyway, the final battle. I don't think there's any way that any writer or random obligatory person in general could screw up a great epic battle more than Rowling did in book 7. For those of you that didn't read the books yet and are still reading this, essentially, the whole huge battle that we've been waiting years and books to get to, ends like this: Harry and Voldemort stare at one another, a few minor words are exchanged, they both scream their favorite spell, (which, by the way, Harry was told to NOT do; make a trademark spell), and Harry kills Voldemort.

Seriously, that's how it ends.

I wanted to scream. I had been reading these books for months, waiting to get to the end, sufferieng through Angsty Harry and all of the stupid thing that were randomly thrown into the books, and it took all of a paragraph to finish. I kept flipping the page back and forth, wondering what I had missed. Surely Voldemort would get back up. I mean, it can't end like that. So I continued to read the book and upon reading the last chap - oops, I mean "Epilogue" - I sat in my chair and said to myself, "Yep, it actually ended like that. What a letdown."

I mean, who in their right mind makes two characters that, for like, five books, you claim are really powerful and "neither can live while the other one dies" or whatever, and then have the whole major confrontation go down in a paragraph! You don't freaking do that! You just don't. It's anticlimactic. You've spent books - really, really long books - waiting to get to this moment, and you threw it on the ground and spat on it! I know that a lot of people believe that she got tired of writing the books. Okay, I can understand that, so screw up on the rest of the book. Heck, make me hate the entire first half like whatsherface that wrote Twilight. Don't mess up the ending of what you've already made up in our minds as an epic battle!

Then the last thing is that last, stupid, little sentence. It's been engrained into my brain ever since I read it. "Harry's scar hadn't hurt in 12 years" (or however many years, I can't remember exactly how many). To that I literally said out loud, "Well no duh! Voldemort's dead!" If the cause of the problem is gone, poof, then of course his freaking scar isn't going to hurt!

So please, someone, other than Adam Turck, explain to me why these are your favorite books. Even after all of this.

And for clarification, I have read all 7 books, I have seen every movie that's come out and I will see every movie that continues to come out to theaters (my sister-in-law is a Harry Potter fan). So it's not that I hate the books. I just don't understand the whole "Harry Potter is the greatest" stuff.

STAR TREK

So, yes, I saw Star Trek. My reaction?

It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen in a long time. The writing truly was excellent. A perfect mix of humor with seriousness and catastrophe. There were a number of times when I was cracking up so much that I almost started crying. I really did love the writing, because they could have butchered it, but did a great job making it entertaining.

The cast?

I think I'm going to have to point them each out individually. Because they were all wonderful. Only read if you don't care about spoilers.

Chris Pine, for me, was a very pleasant surprise. He was amazing in his ability to just make me crack up. There's a point in the movie when he has an allergic reaction and the interactions between himself, Zoe Saldana, and Karl Urban are spot on and a great spot of humor in the middle of the story. I loved watching him play Kirk as he tries to find his way through the world. And the Kobiashi Maru test? Hilarious! Towards the end of the movie, Spock, (Zachary Quinto), is quoting the probability that they will be successful is under 5%. Kirk then says, quite simply, "Spock, it'll work". Pine's delivery of the line sounds remarkably like Shatner. It was a quick trip down memory lane.

Zachary Quinto, as many already know, is someone I respect as an actor from watching him play Sylar on Heroes. Once again he did a great job portraying my favorite Star Trek character - Spock. Seeing Spock's origins was very nice to experience. Yes, we've seen in the show and movies little glimpses into his past, but not quite as much as we were allowed to see in the new movie. But for me, the most wonderful thing to see was the performances of both Zachary Quinto and Jacob Kogan, who played the young Spock. The struggle to find a balance between Human and Vulcan was something that we as fans have never been allowed to see before. It was refreshing to look into a different side of the character. My favorite Spock moment? Hm. Probably when Pine makes Kirk 1st officer and Spock says "Captain, I'm sorry. The complexities of humor escape me."

Karl Urban as Bones. Talk about someone getting the diction down! The moment he started on the screen talking about his "fear of dying in something that flies" and the effects of Angorian Shingles, it was like listening to DeForest Kelly all over again. And like I said when talking about Chris Pine in the allergic reaction scene, he was brilliant. "I can fix that!" I completely believe that he's just beginning to figure out where he belongs on the Enterprise. When Spock informs him that obviously he's going to have to assume the roles of Cheif Medical Officer, and he's already assumed that was the case and took over. It was a step into his role that he didn't need to be told to do, which is so like Bones.

Now, in order to talk about Zoe Saldana, I'll have to take a moment to talk about the whole relationship thing. If I saw her getting together with anyone, it was Kirk. Yes, in the series and the movies they did hint at something possibly being there, but back then, they hinted at everything. The only true reason I actually accept it was her and Zachary Quinto's performances. They made it completely believable. Because of that, I can take what used to be impossible and make it possible. I may not be the biggest fan of it, but hey, if that's the only blip on the radar, then I'll take it.

But Zoe Saldana. She was wonderful. I had forgotten that she had stared in X-Men: The Last Stand, until I watched it again this past weekend. Regarding Star Trek however, I loved the slight pause she gave Pike when he told her to relieve a Lutenent on the bridge. That slight amount of unease was all I needed to see. For the remainder of the movie, she seems much more at ease with her sudden promotion, but at that first moment, where she seems unsure of herself for the slightest second. That meant the world to me. It showed me that she may seem tough as nails on the outside, but inside, she's probably terrified of screwing up. My favorite moment for her was the scene when Kirk runs to her with his allergic reaction. "Oh my God, what happened to your hands?!"

John Cho as Sulu. His introduction was great. Trying to go to warp and forgetting something that only took a second to fix. His reaction was excellent. He just sat there, looked frustrated with himself and pushed a button, "We're ready for warp". My favorite moment for him was probably when Kirk asked what kind of training he'd had and he replies simply, "Fencing". What a great throwback to George Takai!

Anton Yelchin as Chekov. Okay, first off, his accent was dead on. Like, I know he doesn't look quite like Walter Koenig, but his voice sounded exactly like what I remembered from the movies and series! And I totally believed that he was seventeen. His unparalleled enthusiasm showed that more than anything. His excitement at finding out that he knew how to save Kirk and Sulu was so superb. The announcment over the ship about the mission was fantastic!

And Simon Pegg? Do I need to say more? When he said Scotty's trademark line, cheers errupted from the audience mixing with laughter. Which was the case when anyone said a line we all as fans recognized. Pegg as Scotty was a great bit of comic relief. When Kirk first meets him and hears about the failed experiment, I was cracking up. "I'll tell you when he reappears."

Eric Bana as Nero was terrific. A man so misguided by revenge for the death of his world that he can't see beyond the possibility that he had already changed what he preceived as history. But it's compellingly believable. When Pike says that he's mistaken, that Romulus was fine, he screams in both anger and agony, "Don't tell me it didn't happen! I saw it happen!" You half want to cry and half want to kill him. You understand his side of the story, you understand his pain. But on the flip side you just saw Spock's complete torment, (I started crying. Whenever I see Zachary Quinto start to cry I want to bawl my eyes out).

Bruce Greenwood. He has some great lines. Now Pike in the original series only was around, if you count the first pilot, for three episodes. So we don't have much of a feel for him. But Greenwood seems to reach out, trying to bring Kirk under his wing. The relationship that he has with Kirk is pretty wonderful. He does change Kirk's life, and puts him on course to become at least somewhat of the man that we know.

And last, but most certainly not least is the marvelous, legendary Leonard Nimoy. How extraordinary is it to see him back on the big screen? Pretty extraordinary. I loved to see Kirk's reaction to "Spock Prime" and his version of the past. And naturally, when he did the Vulcan salute, I, being the nerd I am, showed the Vulcan salute to the screen. It was nice to see Spock at peace with himself and his duality, which technically we haven't seen yet. I will never turn down seeing Leonard Nimoy on screen as Spock. He did introduce the world to my favorite character.

The last comment; JJ Abrams. I don't think he's ever going to make anything I hate. I think, from here on out, I'm going to just blatently trust him.

The music was...well, I'm a pretty bad person to ask about music from movies. But the theme, I think, was great. Very memorable. All the way down to Philadelphia, the theme was stuck in my head. It's the next score I plan on buying. It was defintely sweepingly epic, and every now and then the slow, quiet, emotional music just displayed that the whole thing was amazing.

Overall, Star Trek was brilliant. The casting was great, the interactions of the team was great, and long live the magnificent seven! Me being crazy was so psyched for the movie that as the music began to play and the Paramount screen showed up, I thought I was going to pass out from excitement. I know, I'm a dork.

I'm sorry if I screwed up the story for anyone. This movie is all I can think about. And I did see it twice in one day. 7pm with the family and a few friends and then 11:40 in IMAX with Tara. Pretty amazing right?

To cast, crew, and everyone that helped to make this movie and ressurrecting Star Trek, thank you!!

It's Late, But...

It's late, and I'm exhausted, and I wish I had more energy.

My brother, oldest of us four, became a married man as of 3 something today. It's exciting and amazing to think that we've been blessed with someone who not only wants to willingly join our messed up family, but on top of that she actually likes us!

I'm completely blown away. As I said, I'm exhausted, and want nothing more than to sleep, but at the same time want to just sit and write for hours in my journal or on this blog about this major change in our family. The first of us is married, and is beginning to look at a house for them to live in. It's unbelievable, and extraordinary, to think that much time as really gone by.

The bride, a wonderful and very, very sweet young woman named Mallory has, as I said, willingly joined our family (and the horror of becoming an alliteration; Mallory Markloff). And, even though she was absolutely terrified at the prospect of getting up in front of people and having to be the center of attention for the day, did an amazingly awesome job. She even let me take pictures of her.

Although I must say that while we were in the midst of taking pictures in the chapel, after the service, her best friend's mom said, "Mallory, put your hand on your hip like you had before, and look like you're disgusted with us."

Mallory replied, "I am disgusted with you."

I couldn't help but laugh. She's got a great wit that just fits so perfectly with our family. I don't think any of us could search the world over and find a better mach for my brother to spend the rest of his life with. She is absolutely perfect for him. And I am so honored to be able to call her my sister-in-law. I've enjoyed, greatly, the past 7 months getting to know her and her habits. And it's been a joy.

My nerves are restless. I truly do wish I were a Vulcan where I wouldn't need to sleep. Especially on days like this. But I, being human, need the rest. Especially after the past week of stress-filled preparation. But thank God for the small things. Everything today worked out perfectly. Everyone was great, and I thank everyone that had a part in it, on behalf of the family. Without you guys, and your tremendous support, we wouldn't have been able to pull this off. Your care, devotion and love to my brother and new sister mean the world to us. From the bottom of my (and our) hearts, thank you.

I may write more later, who knows. But for now, it is late, and I should be off to bed. The next blog will probably be my Harry Potter Rant. I've already written it up, it just need to be typed.

Good night world. And once again, thank you to all :D