Fall Is Almost Here

Thank God for that. Summer is far too hot for too long. I would really love summer if it wasn't for the heat. Tonight on my fifteen minute break I walked outside and decided to spend the time sitting against the wall of Staples and just breathe for a while. It was really relaxing actually.

Soon the leaves will crunch, the air will be crisp, and I'll be able to see my breath as I walk down the street. And, best of all, I can start to wear long sleeved shirts. Don't ask me why, but there's something about having a really comfortable shirt covering my arms is just the most excellent feeling ever.

I was trying to kill time this morning between classes, so I drove up to Quakertown to take a look at the new Best Buy up at the Target shopping center. And I must say, it's much smaller than I had expected. And, I once again was ignored by every associate in the building. Okay, one guy smiled at me and said 'hi', but that was it. I walked the whole building and no one really said anything, let alone asking me if I was looking for anything specific. Which is completely consistent with every other Best Buy I've ever been in.

My hair is getting far too long. I feel the need to cut it all off again. Although through a good deal of thought, I've decided that I'm just going to go and get it layered sometime soon so I can later donate again to Locks of Love. It's just a thought, but I'd like to do it again...as much as I detest the idea of having long hair again.

I've discovered that I'm basically 2IC (second in command) in Tech at Staples. Amy mentioned that when Bill isn't there I'm in charge and then vice versa. Which is pretty dang cool. I guess it makes sense; we're the only two techs. I have the feeling that things may change if and when we get more techs in the building. Who knows? Amy was pretty dang happy when I offhandedly said that I may want to pursue a management position with Staples down the road. But that's just Amy. Like I said, who knows?

My mom is pretty well cool with whatever I do for the rest of my life. She seems to think that my strange...habits...are cool and considers them a gift. I don't get how she sees that, but hey, she doesn't think I'm a freak. That's what I was worried about.

My story is coming along. I'm on chapter eight. I'm thinking maybe two or three more chapters left. Yeah, I think some of the chapters will wind up being cut down, but it is just a first draft after all. I'm half excited and half terrified. It's the idea that having someone else read and criticize the work I've put all of myself into for the past year and a half is pretty scary. I don't want to fear it, but I do. I guess that's normal.

I'm back to recording quotes. I took a break for a while and now my lfie seems so dull. So I broke down and started keeping track again. I've laughed too much between then and now to let those moments disappear into the recess of my mind.

I miss hanging with him. Is that a problem? I think it is.

What I've Been Up To

Absolutely nothing. Now, that's not to say that I haven't been working my tail off at Staples, but it goes to say that I've done next to nothing fun in the past...month?

Okay, okay, okay, so Nancy had some of her friends over and I laughed a bit. But it just made me feel lonely. I mean, I don't really have any friends anymore. It's rather pathetic really. I have acquaintances, yes, but no one that's like, ecstatic to see me and hang out with me. In fact, it seems to be that everyone I knew from high school, (with the exception of maybe, four people), has been perfectly fine blatantly ignoring me.

Yeah, about that random emo-depressive paragraph...sorry.

In other news, I, regretfully, am staying home for another semester. Then, God willing, I'll be able to transfer somewhere I actually want to be...maybe acquire a social life in the process.

Yeah, my life is rather dull. Sorry about that.

Maybe the next entry will be a bit more...entertaining? I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. And felt compelled to write. 'Cause that makes sense.

I really, truly, deeply, hate writers block. Why my mind comes alive at nightfall is beyond me. Curses.

OKAY! Enough. The next segment shall be how my mind set has been for the past couple of months and the countless hours and days and weeks I've been wanting to off myself from massive amounts of stress from working at Staples.
Example number one: "If I just keep working, maybe they'll give me a raise. I could use a raise. I could use more money. If I just save a bit more, stay at home and just do nothing and hope everyone I know is having fun, that'll make me feel a bit better knowing that they're having fun. That makes sense right? Yeah, it's not like I have to be with everyone forever...or all the time...yeah. It's fine. I'll just watch some TV."
Example number two: "Why am I bothering? Regardless, I'm still going to wind up being like, a trillion dollars in debt after school. I work my tail off, and still have to pay for my stupid car, and my stupid bills, and my stupid phone that no one calls me on. Why am I caring so much?"
Example number three: "AGH. What's the point? No one notices that I care, no one notices that I pray for them every night before I close my eyes to rest for the night. Why, oh why, must I harbor such unnecessary care for others?"
Example number four: "No one sees what I see. Why can't this stupid thing come together right?? Why can't I get one simple little thing like an idea to form into a coherent sentence so that some complete stranger can understand my thought process with all of this? Why am I stuck? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Should I be devoting so much time and energy to it? Is it worth it?"
Example number five: "My brain hurts."

This has been a moment in the mindset of a psychopath. Join us next week where we discuss my inability to hold a relatively close relationship with anyone without destroying it for no reason whatsoever other than to cause unrelenting pain and feelings of worthlessness.

If anyone actually read this, I'll give you a cookie the size of your head.

Where's The Goodness In The World?

The wold is not justified, nor will it ever be. The good people get smacked around and abused while the bad are encouraged and cheered on. What's good is bad and bad is now good. When did this happen? When did we as humans decide to glorify cheating, stealing, lying, and the downright wrong? I feel as though it never was this crazy, this twisted, this corrupt.

I come home, my father struggles, I go to work, my coworkers struggle, I hang out with friends, my friends struggle, I talk with my sister, she struggles. They're all good people. They all do the right things, they're honest and true and just. They believe in goodness and love and happiness. Yet are harked upon and used and beaten until they don't want to fight anymore.

Today I wanted to scream out loud. Hearing that one of my friends found out her boyfriend she's living with is cheating on her. She's said enough's enough, but I don't get it one bit. She's a nice, caring, loving person. When was it decided that this jerk would think she not worthy of his attention and devotion that he would turn to another?

What does love mean anyway? Not as it should be meant, but as it is meant. It should be that when you say you love someone, that you are in love with someone, that it was true and deep and full of meaning. But somewhere along the lines, it's become this...dead word we throw into conversations to "show" someone we care. To "voice" our "love" for that person. We say "I love you" while laughing and joking around.

Would you take a bullet for every person you've said you love? Personally, I would. But I'm stupid, I believe in right not wrong and that there is a line between them. I'm the idiot that believes to spare another is to save a life and possibly allow it to grow and flourish. I'm the moron that would take a bullet for a stranger. And I mean that to the core of my being.

I suppose I'm just another person hoping that their voice will make a difference.

I'm so fed up with this planet and it's "justification" to things.



“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Decisions, Decisions...

I am attempting to create my own business/networking cards. See, Staples has this lovely thing called the Business Card application over in Copy Center, and while messing around over there, I've decided that I'd like my own card. Mostly, it'll have a link to this website and my phone number and name. And the background a picture I took. Here's one of them:

I'm not entirely sure if I like these or not, I've made about six different designs each with a different picture I took or manipulated in some fashion. I've thrown around the idea of doing the Gallery in the Park this year (even though I'd have to pay for it), in hopes of possibly advertising my services. At the very least, let people know that I like to take pictures and that, if they wanted, I could make prints available...it's a thought.

Feedback is welcome. Very, very welcome. I can post more of the different layouts if you're interested :D. I would like some feedback on this. One of my managers said that I could basically print off some business cards and use it as an advertising bit for what Staples can do for our customers by means of our 'custom print' avenue.

I've also been toying with the idea of business as my major...possibly trying to get into the advertising industry...I think it'd be fun?

Who knows, I'm confusing myself more often than not.

The book isn't finished. I'm at a standstill in chapter seven...

I Obviously Don't Write Enough

I used to. Something must have happened to make this 'writing' habit I had disappear. Could it be work perhaps?
It seems the most likely culprit.
I was standing at work - once again bored - and noticed how I dwell on things. I never really have considered myself a shy person, but I suppose I am. After seeing my coworkers and interacting with them over the past 11 months, I've discovered that I seem to have contracted a fear of really interacting with people. I guess it would have something to do with all of my close friends leaving when school time came around and me staying home with no one to talk to or hang out with.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why I seem to get...nervous...around others. What's the point? It's like that's the first thing that pops into my head - why bother?
But I want to bother. I want to be okay with walking up to a coworker and saying, "Wanna go grab a bite to eat after work and hang out?" But for some reason my mind instantly rejects that notion - as if it were completely absurd.
It isn't absurd, is it? To crave interaction and knowing another human being? To want to delve past the every day monotony we've found ourselves in and find something beyond a body with a few sarcastic comments along the way?
As I stand around and watch my coworkers walk up to one another and just begin to laugh and instantly strike up a conversation with no timidness to it, I can't help but envy them. They're friends and for some reason...
It's like just about everything is right, but a few cogs are missing the slots. Like there's always something going to be missing for me, personally.
I guess I am just shy. I don't know where it came from, really. It seems to just have manifested itself recently and decided that it was time for me to worry about whether others liked me or not. For all I know, it may have something to do with a constant fear of rejection.
...
Now we're getting somewhere.


I really need to get out more.